Christ-like forgiveness in marital counseling: a clinical follow-up of two empirical studies.

DiBlasio, Frederick A.

Increasingly approaches to marital counseling have emphasized methods of helping couples to move past their conflict and to forge a new way of relating that resolves the presenting problem. However, the old hurts have a way of tearing at the fabric of future unity and need to be resolved prior to the forward motion of reconciliation. On the other hand, if the counseling stays overly focused on past hurts, for example, through prolonged and on-going ventilation of frustration between the spouses for several weeks or months, then the counseling can bring more harm than good. The answer for Christian couples is to move towards each other in Christlike love, forgiving each other and thereby reconciling the past and setting into place a plan to prevent the hurtful behavior for the future.

In two empirical studies of marital couples (DiBlasio & Benda, 2008), it was found that a decision-based therapeutic forgiveness session was successful in promoting forgiveness, increasing marital satisfaction and decreasing depression. These studies are unique because they use actual therapy sessions conducted by therapists, and compare the target forgiveness intervention with alternative treatment and not-reatment control groups. Further, it was found that devout Christians receiving forgiveness treatment far outpaced the findings for other subjects in the studies. These findings are con sistent with those reported in the practice literature over the years (e.g. Cheong & DiBlasio, 2007; DiBlasio, 1998, 1999, 2000; Worthington & DiBlasio, 1990) and reported at national paper presentations. This article further elaborates the steps involved in the session for researchers wanting to further test the model and for clinicians who are looking to provide a forgiveness intervention for willing couples. This clinical follow-up uses the case of a couple who participated in the Christian study group to elaborate each step. Also included in this analysis is the couple's report of the effects of the session for them four years after the completion of the study.

Scriptural Overview Utilized with Christian Subjects

Approximately 24 verses are found in the Scriptures that directly use the word "forgive" (or some variation of the word) and a handful of interpersonal examples of forgiveness, such as the prodigal son (Luke 15: 11-32), that do not directly use a variation of the word forgive. The overwhelming and connecting theme of Scriptural forgiveness is that we are to forgive as the Father has forgiven us (Col. 3:13). Jesus taught that humans must forgive one another, and that God's forgiveness is associated with our forgiveness of others (Matt 6:12; 6:14-15; 18:21-22; 18:35; Mark 11:25; Luke 6:37; 11:4).

Since unbelievers and believers can make a decision to forgive in a moment in time (for example at the bed side of a dying person), we therefore know that God has created humans with the free-will ability to forgive immediately, despite possible countervailing negative emotions. This decision process is enhanced for Christians because they have the power of the indwelling Holy Spirit. Jesus said, "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses (Matt 6: 14-15, New King James Version). Interestingly, these verses immediately follow the Lord's Prayer (Matthew 6: 9-13) and in context can be considered Jesus wanting to bring a special emphasis to the importance of interpersonal forgiveness. Additional Scripture teaches: (a) unforgiveness is sin (Rom 1: 31; 2 Tim. 3:3); (b) Christians have been forgiven a great debt (symbolic of forgiveness through Christ) and therefore we may not be unforgiving of others (the story of the unforgiving servant found in Matt 18: 23-35); (c) Christians are to interrupt their prayer and take care of forgiveness issues (Mark 11:25) (given that we are to pray "unceasingly" (1 Thes 5:17) immediate forgiveness is implied); (d) resolve offenses before bringing gifts to the altar (Matt 5:23-26); (e) love suffers long (keeps no record of wrongs) (1 Cor 13: 4); (f) must forgive frequently (Matt 18:21-22) and even if offended multiple times (Luke 17: 3-4). No Scriptures were found to show that God promotes a process of making a decision to forgive over a period of time (for a more detailed treatment of Scripture and forgiveness see DiBlasio, 1999).

Selected Subject Couple

Sharon (38 years of age) and Frank (49 years of age), an African-American couple, came to be part of a research study on counseling techniques at the University of Maryland. Because of research procedure for experimental design, the couple was only told they were coming for a long marital counseling session and would be paid for their participation (DiBlasio & Benda, 2008). Upon arrival, they were told about their selection for the Christian forgiveness intervention group. A case from this study is used because it isolates the effect of a single forgiveness session. In addition, the results of this session were typical for the Christian couples of the study. Details of the case will be unfolded below to illustrate many of the steps.

Conducting the Forgiveness Session

The actual forgiveness session is lengthy (at least three hours) and includes 13 steps. The steps are organized into three sections: (1) defining and preparing (Steps 1-3) which involves a discussion between the couple and counselor; (2) seeking and granting forgiveness (Steps 412); and (3) the session concludes with designing the ceremonial act (Step 13).

Step 1: Definitions of Forgiveness are discussed. It is difficult for Christians to get a real understanding of God's love and forgiveness because they are deeply involved in the hurt and pain of their current situation. Intuitively, the human condition gravitates to self-protection, wanting to be understood, and most importantly wanting the pain to stop. These desires are understandable and are not wrong, unless of course they conflict with Christ-like love and forgiveness. Forgiveness sounds right to Christians because it is a central heartbeat of their faith. Before taking people through a process of forgiveness, it helps to establish their objective thoughts about forgiveness and what it means to them. The counselor requests permission of the couple to take a few moments to discuss the topic of forgiveness and to explore ideas and beliefs. For example, the counselor might inquire: "Since forgiveness is central to our faith, I thought it would be best to talk with each other about what forgiveness means, not so much in the context of your marriage, but let's discuss forgiveness from an objective point of view."

Often couples use phrases like letting go and not holding the offense against someone. Couples know that one cannot simply forget, but understand that they do not have to emphasize the memory. They know that Jesus died for the forgiveness of sins and that love and forgiveness are central to the Christian life. After thorough discussion of clients' viewpoints, the counselor then discusses Scriptures on forgiveness and love. The counselor presents the definition of decision-based forgiveness, and asks the couple if they agree with the thought that the decision to forgive includes not only the cognitive letting go of resentment, bitterness, and need for vengeance (Eph 4:31), but also include the self-sacrificing acts of forgiveness and love, just as Christ has forgiven and loved them (Eph 4:32-5:2). Thereby understanding that forgiveness involves a willful decision to imitate Christ, they accept that forgiveness is not primarily driven by feelings, but instead, is driven by a decision to follow Christ. Even mature Christian clients find it insightful (and freeing) that they can choose to forgive, despite hurtful feelings.

Additional points to consider are: (a) forgiveness is an act of the will; (b) it is possible for people to have emotional pain, but determine to control revengeful thinking; (c) emotional pain and hurt will be addressed throughout the duration of counseling; (d) a forgiveness decision is a beginning, not an end, to counseling; (e) there are internal and interpersonal benefits of making a forgiveness decision; and (f) each person must make their own decision about forgiveness issues.

Frank and Sharon believed that Christ died for the forgiveness of sins and that forgiveness is central to the Gospel. Sharon believed that prayer was needed and that most things could be forgiven. Frank said that a request for forgiveness needs to come with direct efforts of the offender to do better. Both fully embraced the Scripture used by the counselor and believed in the decision-based approach, which highlights a free-will choice to forgive at any time.

Step 2: The focus on each person having the opportunity to seek forgiveness for his/her wrongful actions is established. Spouses have an opportunity during the session to seek forgiveness for their own offenses. The session becomes a time when spouses can choose to confess their wrong doing to each other. Confessing to one another and taking responsibility for one's actions in resolving conflict has strong biblical support. Defensive posturing of each mate toward the other often hinders routine marital counseling. It is difficult to genuinely grasp one's own participation in the problem, while simultaneously defending oneself from the accusations of another. The opposite is true in forgiveness sessions, because one releases control and expectations of the hurtful behavior, and instead, concentrates on his or her own culpability. This leads to a deeper understanding of wrongdoing and makes a repentant attitude easier. Forgiveness is also easier for the offended spouses because one's heart is more forgiving in situations where the offenders are repentant and recognize their wrongdoing. However, one can forgive another without repentance of the offender (Enright & The Educational Study Group, 1990). Interestingly, spouses who choose their own offenses will usually pick those offenses that their partners would have chosen. Spouses seem to own their offenses when the intervention is designed to give them the opportunity to focus on their own hurtful behavior. This is a welcome relief from routine counseling where spouses take turns revealing all the problems and sins of their mates, leaving counselors often feeling like referees. A counselor could say: "We need to set a guideline to direct the session. Couples often bring many concerns to the counseling about the hurtful behavior of the other, but seldom do they automatically concentrate on their own wrongdoing. If you decide to proceed in the session, are you willing to focus on your own contribution to problems when it is your turn to go through the steps and give up expectations of what your partner should be confessing? If your partner does not bring up the issue that is important to you, we can address that at a later session". If clients focus on what they hope to receive from the other, the forgiveness session can become egocentric and diminish the sacrifice being made by each. The gift of forgiveness has more worth when it is sought and granted without overt or implicit coercion or emotional demands. For example, if the wife focuses on how her husband should seek forgiveness for his neglect of her, however subtle, she adds a coercive element that reduces the power of the husband's request as a complete free-will act. And worse, she can inadvertently spark defensiveness.

The presentation of this step was well received by both Sharon and Frank. They strongly believed that each had to be accountable before God and should take ownership of their offenses. They agreed to the guideline set that each would concentrate on self-culpability.

Step 3: Introduction to the forgiveness treatment and decision whether or not to participate. Given that the session has a task orientation, it is best to review the sequential stages so that couples can make informed decisions whether to participate. It is the experience of the author that Christian couples are eager to attempt the session and find it in line with Scriptural teaching.

If the couple agrees to the session, then one partner is chosen to go first. It is usually best to start with the spouse with the more serious offense. Therefore it is helpful to get each spouse to decide on a few things that they may want to seek forgiveness. The counselor can help to see if the items have a common theme, and therefore can be condensed into one major area. If the offenses are relatively equal, then perhaps the spouse who is best able to stay on target (in this case it was Sharon) should go first in order to set a task-oriented example for the other partner.

The counselor might say: "The structured forgiveness session does not resemble a typical marital counseling session. If you agree to proceed, Sharon will go through steps 4 through 12 in sequence, and then we will give Frank a turn [the counselor gives out a printed copy of the steps and briefly summarizes them]. I will play an active role during the session, keeping the session on track and with your help decide what information will be fruitful to pursue during the forgiveness session and what might be saved for a later time."

Step 4: Statement of the offense. The statement of the offense is an opportunity for the spouses to be very clear about the hurtful behavior. By verbally stating the offense, the spouse implicitly demonstrates awareness that he or she has done something wrong. The offense needs to be specifically stated in a way that shows culpability. The counselor helps clients to state just their part in the dynamic. For example, consider the husband who states that he wants to seek forgiveness for verbally criticizing his wife in public because of her erratic and volatile nature. By including his perception of his wife's role, it takes away from the culpability and increases defensiveness on the part of the wife. In these cases the counselor helps spouses to reduce the statement to only include their part. It is helpful for the counselor to ask "was this offense wrong." If offenders hedge, the counselor should point out the hesitation and suggest that an offense be chosen that they believe is wrong. This elicits reconsideration by the offender who becomes more convinced that the offense was wrong and wants to proceed on that basis.

Sharon had difficulty at first, since she focused on both her problem and Frank's. With the counselor's help she removed Frank's portion of the problem and stated that she wanted to seek forgiveness for planning social events without her husband's awareness. For example, instead of a restful Sunday afternoon, a crowd of family members and friends invited by Sharon would show up at the door without Frank's prior knowledge. After Sharon completed steps 4 through 12, Frank clearly stated that his offense was that he was a "couch potato" and was not social enough. In many cases, the original offenses comprise a host of other major issues that are revealed during the session. For this couple, the offenses above included issues of control, betrayal, lack of emotional intimacy, dysfunctional teamwork, and problems in spiritual unity.

Step 5: Offender provides explanation. When couples struggle over offenses, they seldom truly listen to each other for insight. Seldom are people in a genuine receptive mode needed to compassionately understand the other. Without intervention, defensive posturing normally results as each person implicitly gravitates to self-protection and thereby misses the opportunity to connect at a deep and insightful level.

The counselor begins this sequence by getting permission from the offended person to try to get at the core explanation of the offense. By giving permission, offended persons are actively involved in a proactive situation where defensive reactions are minimized as they join the counselor in the goal of achieving understanding. Whenever one grants a process to occur, they now have a bit of ownership and gain a concomitant advantage toward objectivity. The counselor makes clear that most offenses in marriages have explanations, but that the explanations are sometimes lost because of the hurt and pain that is experienced. The counselor cautions that the explanation will not be considered an excuse, but rather a search for information that will allow a thorough assessment of the offense.

The counselor now begins to find out the reasons for the offense. Often an offense is not from malice, but instead springs out of a combination of factors. In Sharon's case, her manipulation of her husband came, in part, because she had a need to socialize with others. Since her husband was less than accommodating to this desire, she intuitively drifted to having guests without checking with him. The counselor wanted the wife to explore further to see if the problem existed prior to meeting her husband. Sharon was able to make painful connections to how she would organize and coordinate her family of origin. For example, although she was the youngest, at 13 years old, she was responsible for taking public transportation to visit her older brother weekly in jail on behalf of the family. With the counselor's help she understood how she had a life-long pattern of over-functioning for others. Although having altruistic and self-sacrificing intentions, she understood that over-functioning can have the downside of manipulation and control of others. It became apparent to her that in giving and organizing to the degree that she did, she got to control what things are done and how they got done, giving her power that she never understood until that moment. Hearing the loneliness and heartache of his wife's childhood, brought Frank to a new understanding. Because the problem existed prior to their marriage, Frank felt less personally attacked by the manipulation. In fact, his resentment turned to empathy, as he began to comfort his crying wife.

After Sharon completed steps 4 through 12, Frank brought up his self-described "anti-social nature". He confessed to being dull, emotionally unavailable, and socially withdrawn. During the session, Frank realized that his isolation started when he returned from the Vietnam War. Upon his return, he was spat upon and called a baby killer by a protestor. His thoughts and dreams were filled with horrific memories of the death and destruction of war. His response was to withdraw and avoid people. The counselor extended his hand and said, "I do this with all sincerity--I want to thank you for your service to our country." As he and the counselor shook hands Frank said, "In all these years, you are the only one who said thank you." Frank started to cry and released more of his feelings about the war. Sharon gained a deep understanding of Frank's contrary social desires as she listened to his emotional account of his war experiences.

Step 6: Questions and answers about the offense. Most couples are not able to have a meaningful and objective discussion about an offense. Getting past the surface issues to the more substantive issues of the heart is critical but difficult. The hurt and pain associated with the offense usually results in a reduction of both intimacy and communication. When defensiveness and sarcasm is added to the dialogue, spouses rarely get enough objective information needed to answer their questions. Additionally, the many closed-end questions asked during marital conflict are unwittingly used to make a point rather than seek out objective information.

Whereas many questions would prove helpful, there are some that may be inappropriate and destructive. The counselor attempts to screen the questions to avoid the unhelpful ones. On the other hand, sometimes the couple will avoid asking important questions or not ask enough questions. Because this type of loving and objective communication is not the norm for marriages in conflict, the counselor needs to provide coaching. The counselor may say: "As strange as this may sound, seldom do couples get objective answers to their questions because of the defensive atmosphere around the offense. Previous questions tend to be asked harshly and/or asked in a way to lead to a point. This is the time to get to the information in a spirit of love. Let's all work together to really understand this problem by asking questions."

If the proceeding steps of the forgiveness session have been successful, an atmosphere of objectivity and love has been established. In some cases forgiveness in spirit has already occurred as partners listen to the explanation phase. It is easier to forgive, when one has enough information about the offense to make an informed decision to let go and forgive. Accurate information is important in bringing clarity and thus avoiding more negative imagination or assumptions. Giving the answers and facts about the offense also provides the offender with a sense of cleansing. It is important for offenders to reveal all the truth at this time even if the additional information will cause more hurt. Forgiveness built on partial truth leaves seeds of deception that will grow and cause spiritual harm for the transgressor, and significant interpersonal harm with the spouse if the truth is revealed in the future.

After Sharon provided an explanation of her actions, Frank was given a chance to ask his wife questions about the offense. He first asked if the reason for not approaching him with social events was because she was afraid that he would say no. Although this was an obvious question, Frank needed to hear the answer to help him understand his wife's motivation. He then had a series of questions relating to two of her relatives who were inconsiderate and "disrespectful" whenever they would come to their house. With the counselors help, he was able to articulate the following question: "Knowing that these two people are disrespectful, why do you invite them to the house?" The wife explained that they were still family and she felt that she could not just exclude them and that she was at a loss as to what to do. Now that the couple was not responding to each other defensively, this was the first moment that they understood that they were a team facing the same problem. The couple wanted to talk more about solving this problem, but the counselor interrupted and asked if they could save that part for a later stage (solving this relative problem later became part of Sharon's plan--see below). Keeping couples on track is important to the success of the intervention.

Step 7: Offended person gives emotional reactions. Intimacy includes the sharing of one's heart with another, even if the content shared is hurtful. Humans find connectiveness as they share their hurts, pains, and other deep emotions. In the case of an offense, offended spouses want, at some implicit and explicit level for the offender to hear and understand their hurt. Whereas, on the surface it may seem to clients that this is counterintuitive to achieve intimacy, in fact it is one of the building blocks of an intimate relationship. Empathy with offended persons concerning their suffering and point of view is one way spouses can love like Christ.

Considerable care and time is spent focusing on the hurt feelings. In fact, clients may find it difficult to verbalize their feelings fully, and may at first show discomfort expressing themselves. Patient and gentle exploration by the counselor is usually necessary.

The counselor promotes a spirit of non-defensiveness by stating: "Although it may be difficult for Frank to express his hurt for fear of causing you heartache, will you grant him permission to fully speak his heart to you about his hurt?" When spouses give permission for the other to express feelings, the brain shifts from a self-protective to a receiving mode. Now the offended spouse becomes a team participant to help the partner to ventilate.

Something special happened for Frank when asked to give his emotions about his wife's manipulation. He said, "I am a bit confused, do you want me to tell her how I felt about this before I came in here today, or how I feel about it now?" It was obvious that as Frank heard his wife's explanation, his emotions and thoughts were moved to love and forgiveness. He stated that he learned things that day about his wife that he has never heard before. He told her that previously he felt upset and angry over her selfishness and control. After the explanation, he saw the pain she was going through and his emotions shifted to empathy for her.

When Sharon expressed her emotions she mentioned the disappointment that she felt in the marriage. After being raised by an alcoholic father and controlling mother, she wanted to have a different type of family life, only to find that in some ways things had not changed.

Step 8: Offender shows empathy and remorse for the hurt he or she caused the other. Normally in marital treatment, both people are hurting, making empathy for the other a difficult task. However, the conduct of the session puts the couple in a new position with one another of understanding and love, and by so doing creates unity. A by-product of unity is empathy, and empathy increases unity. Having the offender thoughtfully reflect the hurt gives an acknowledgement that the spouse's suffering is understood. Therefore, the usual course of each person overly focused on self hurt is avoided and is replaced by empathy. Injured partners do better when they receive empathy (Worthington, 1998) and a sense of remorse from the spouse (Olson, Russell, Higgings-Kessler & Miller, 2002).

Some offenders find empathy difficult because they struggle with egocentric personality styles, or worst, personality disorders. Achieving empathy is possible, but requires attention by the counselor and reduced expectations as to the amount of empathy that will be demonstrated. Because empathy comes relatively easy to counselors, they must resist over-functioning for spouses. Instead, their strategy should be to coach and encourage client empathetic expression. For example, a counselor might say to the offending spouse: "When your wife said that she hurt so badly that she woke up crying in the night, what do you think that feels like?" Usually the more empathy that is demonstrated by the offender, the easier it is for the other person to forgive.

Frank and Sharon were moved to empathy for each other throughout the session (this is the norm for these sessions). However, it was helpful when the counselor asked each to summarize the remorse and empathy already expressed. This accentuated the Christ-like love that was being demonstrated during the session.

Step 9: Offender develops plan to stop/prevent behavior. Obviously, seeking true forgiveness means that the offender plans to stop the offensive behavior and prevent it from happening in the future. Forgiveness of the offended spouse and repentance by the offender is facilitated when a process of corrective action is planned and a system of accountability is established. The plan needs to be specific and mostly created by the offender with help from the spouse and counselor. Often people will be at a loss as to what to put into a plan, so the counselor might first pray for the Holy Spirit to bring ideas to mind. To prompt the spouse the counselor might then say: "Why not start with any commitments that you want to make and perhaps as you are making them ideas will come as to how to ensure that the commitment will be lived out." A written record of each part of the plan is made that will later be kept at home in an accessible location.

Frank and Sharon understood that distinct changes needed to be made in their lives. Coming up with items for the plan became a team effort between husband, wife and counselor. Sharon agreed to abide by following plan: (a) check with Frank before arranging a social event; (b) ask a friend from church to be an accountability person and prayer partner (choosing a friend that both trust and getting permission from the spouse to share information is important); (c) discuss and write down specific details of each proposed event (date, length, invitation list, etc.); (d) Sharon was to take the lead in coordinating with Frank about social events (a good fit given Sharon's spiritual gifts of hospitality and administration); and (e) Sharon was to initiate a discussion of how to handle the two difficult family members.

Now Sharon's efforts no longer fit the concept of "manipulation" because in this session Frank agreed for her to provide the initiative. Couples who desire the husband to be the family leader often miss the point that delegation is an important quality of leadership. By delegating the leadership of social events to his wife, Frank becomes an effective leader (a desire of both) by wisely utilizing the spiritual giftedness of Sharon. Moreover, Proverbs 31 portrays a wife who is industrious in and out of the home while still being under the leadership of her husband.

Frank asked Sharon that as they discuss social events if she would explain why she wanted to hold or attend a social function. Sharon readily agreed and further she blessed her husband by telling the counselor the reason she wanted her husband with her: "He's my husband and I want him with me. I love him. He's handsome and I am proud to have him with me." The counselor suggested that Sharon should tell him that each time, especially the handsome part.

The rest of Sharon's plan included her taking the initiative to discuss how to handle two entitled relatives that seem to occasionally be disrespectful guests. In addition, because Sharon took responsibility for holding the social events for her large extended family, Frank was going to help her practice delegation (an area of strength for Frank). For example, instead of agreeing to host all events, she was to ask her siblings to take the lead on some.

Frank's plan included commitments to be open to social events and occasionally to take the lead. It was clear that Frank had isolated himself and as a result had not fully utilized his spiritual gifts (administration and teaching). He agreed to focus more on his spiritual gifts and become more outward in his service to the church and the community. Frank's new excitement for change was reflected in his enthusiasm about asking a certain man in his church to be his accountability person (a veteran who lost his legs in the Vietnam war). Frank also agreed to get professional help for his depression, anxiety, and unresolved issues from the war.

Step 10: Offended spouse shows empathy for the offender's hurt. Marital problems usually involve significant hurts for the transgressor, as well as the offended spouse. The transgressor's behavior is in part explained by previous hurts in the relationship, and/or hurts experienced in the past such as problems with parents (Stoop & Masteller, 1991). The preceding steps help to identify some of these issues and thereby prepared the heart of the offended spouse towards true empathy and love. In addition, the transgressor must deal with the shame and guilt of having brought pain to the spouse. Sometimes offenders go into deep regret and self-loathing. This step promotes empathy that in turn encourages a sense of restored love. The realization and humility that they are human and have made mistakes themselves contribute to an ability to be empathetic.

The counselors might say to the offended spouse: "I realize that your wife's offense has brought significant hurt to you, but now we see that she is also hurting. Could you put into words the feelings that she is experiencing?" Just like in step 8 above, the counselor helps and sometimes coaches the spouse to gain an empathetic understanding.

The counselor found that Frank and Sharon freely and graciously found true empathy for the other. The session gave each a new and fresh perspective, as they felt the depth of hurt experienced by the other. Frank emotionally identified with the years of disappointment faced by Sharon with her own parents and siblings, her years of loneliness in the marriage with him, and now her regret for being manipulative. Sharon could empathize with her husband's trauma experienced in Vietnam and his return to a country that did not respect or honor him, and now his regret over the wasted years of not finding more intimacy with his wife, friends and family.

Step 11: Emphasis on choice and commitment involved in letting go. The counselor reminds the couple of the discussion in Step 1 concerning love and forgiveness and the decision-based approach to forgiveness. If the offended spouse chooses to forgive, the commitment comes with a decision to purposely let go of the offense and not use it as a weapon in the future. This does not preclude discussing the offense or having residual hurtful emotions; in fact further working through the issue in counseling is recommended. The intent is to "hold your thoughts captive to the Lord Jesus Christ (2 Cor 10:5) and not to bathe in future resentment and bitterness. One study found that ruminating (intense mulling the offense over in the mind) is related to decreased forgiveness (Kachadourian, Fincham & Davila, 2005). Beginning in the session and followed through during therapy is discussion on how to handle possible future rumination and angry/resentful feelings and thoughts. The practice experience of the author is that the forgiveness session is effective in permanently eliminating the resentment and bitterness in many cases. Infidelity cases present a more difficult challenge in addressing the after-thoughts, but supportive and caring counseling through the aftermath helps the offended spouse to maintain the commitment (DiBlasio, 2000). If forgiveness is sought in the next step, the offended person makes a decision whether or not to forgive. Both Frank and Sharon freely accepted the challenge to keep the commitment to decision-based forgiveness as discussed and defined in the first step.

Step 12: Formal request for forgiveness. The Biblical pattern for offenses is for the offender or the offended to initiate a face-to-face encounter to resolve the problem (Matt 5:23-24; 18:15) and to pursue peace (Rom 14:19; Heb 12:14; 1 Pet 3:11). To make the forgiveness clear, the spouses put into words the request and the granting of the request. The counselor might say: "Now it is time, if Frank is willing, for him to ask formally for forgiveness in front of me as the witness. Sharon may then respond whether she will grant the forgiveness." Many couples will turn and face each other and hold hands, and look into the eyes of the other. In a few cases, spouses will drop to their knees to emphasize the repentance and remorse over their offense. In one case, a wife who committed adultery sobbed as she immediately went to her knees. Her husband was trying to get her off her knees, but the counselor recommended that a healing process was going on for her too, and he might want to let her express herself freely. In yet another case, the woman jumped into her husband's lap as they spoke words of forgiveness tenderly to one another. Typically, after all is said and done, couples embrace with an emotional kiss and hug that signals a renewed intimacy. When getting reports back from clients over the years, the mental picture of this beautiful time seems indelibly etched in their minds.

The formal request reinforces that a concrete forgiveness decision was made with the counselor as witness. The counselor notes the exact date and time and asks the couple to record it in a special place. The counselor might say: "Forgiveness was sought and granted at 11:32 am on this date. Please consider recording this time and date in a special place because this time is holy before the eyes of God. If there are any questions as to whether you have asked or granted forgiveness please refer to the time and date or feel free to call me as the witness."

At the time to formally ask for forgiveness, Sharon turned toward her husband, took his hand, and immediately started to laugh. Her emotions were strong and the laughter was a part of the overwhelming joy she was experiencing. Although this was the moment of the formality of the forgiveness request, a forgiving spirit between the two had already occurred throughout the session and had brought her joy. She then became very serious and said: "I love you and I care about you and the most important thing to us is our relationship--and making sure that we are on the same page always. And for the times I know I was manipulative and selfish, I want you to forgive me. Will you forgive me?" Frank replied that he did forgive her, and proceeded to admit his part in the problem. They sealed the seeking and granting of forgiveness with a kiss.

Later in the session at his step, Frank talked about the "baggage" that he brought into the marriage and at the session realized that he should not have kept his struggles with Vietnam from her. He also admitted that he was focused on himself, and did not choose to listen or be concern enough for Sharon, as he should have as a supportive husband. At this point he could barely speak because of the tears, and his wife handed him back the handkerchief that he gave to her earlier. Frank stated "that's one busy handkerchief today".

Step 13: Ceremonial act. Across cultures, ceremonial acts are used when humans move from one stage to the next. For example, the wedding ceremony celebrates the move from single life to a new life of oneness with another. In this case, as well as many others, the ceremony seals commitments that are life long. In the case of a forgiveness ceremonial act, an outward act between spouses reinforces the time of forgiveness that they shared, and helps to cognitively, emotionally, and spiritually solidify their decisions. The ceremonial act is a symbolic expression that the offense has been formally and permanently forgiven.

The counselor asked Frank and Sharon: "How can you celebrate the forgiveness that has occurred here--something to symbolically represent the forgiveness--something ceremonial?" Frank quickly suggested (and Sharon agreed) that they write down their offenses and burn them, and then he said, "from the ashes will rise the new us." He remarked that he believed that the idea came to him from God. The counselor then asked if they would like to add anything to the burning of offenses. They planned to get on their knees and pray after the burning of the written offenses and to read relevant Scriptures to be chosen by Frank. They planned to get a sitter for their daughter and continue the celebration with a special night out at their favorite restaurant.

Four Year Follow-Up

Four years after the single forgiveness session, the counselor contacted the couple to follow up on their marital relationship. The couple was convinced that the forgiveness that day was genuine, lasted over the years, and provided them a "life-changing" experience. Sharon said it was the beginning of challenging her own previous assumptions about her husband and caused her to see him differently and appreciate him more fully. Frank stated that he learned that day that not only was his wife's feelings important, but that he was the primary person to bring love and security to her life. Sharon now focuses more on how her husband feels, rather than how he should behave. Given the mutual sacrifice for the other, they reported that the marriage had become intimate and stronger. They commented that their deeper intimacy has been a positive influence on the security and family life of their now 14 year-old daughter. Whereas unforgiveness can linger and prevent resolution conflict in marriage (Fincham, Beach, & Davila, 2004), forgiveness has the ability to escalate intimacy and future problem resolution.

They both reported getting an accountability person (Sharon continues to pray with her to this day). Frank came out of his shell (much like the person he was before the Vietnam War) and started to enjoy social functions more, even to the point of initiating some events. Sharon found a new respect for Frank, and found that it was not difficult to partner with him around social events. Their pastor noticed how well Frank and Sharon operated together and miraculously (without knowledge of their previous problem) asked them to become the "social coordinators" for a group of marital couples. Frank had social leadership skills that he never thought were possible, and Sharon rejoiced in having a ministry with her husband that utilized their spiritual gifts in a godly setting. This was a dream come true for Sharon. What was once a point of controversy and offense now has become a mutually satisfying ministry for the body of Christ.

A decision to love and forgive like Jesus reveals the beautiful redemptive work of God's Spirit of love in the souls of husband and wife. Such Christ-like love and forgiveness satisfies God's divine purposes for marriage and not only brings about increased intimacy between husband and wife, but will bring about increased intimacy with Christ.

References

Cheong, R., & DiBlasio, F.A. (2007). Christ-like love and forgiveness: A biblical foundation for counseling practice. Journal of Psychology and Christianity 26, 14-25.

DiBlasio, F. A. (1998). The use of decision-based forgiveness intervention within intergenerational family therapy. Journal of Family Therapy, 20, 77-94.

DiBlasio, F. A. (1999). Scripture and forgiveness: Interventions with families and couples Marriage and Family: A Christian Journal, 3, 257-267.

DiBlasio, F. A. (2000). Decision-based forgiveness treatment in cases of marital infidelity. Psychotherapy, 37, 149-158.

DiBlasio, F. A., & Benda, B. B. (2008). Forgiveness intervention with married couples: Two empirical analyses. Journal of Psychology and Christianity, 27, 150-158.

Enright, R., & The Educational Study Group (1990). Must a Christian require repentance before forgiving? Journal of Psychology and Christianity, 9, 16-19.

Fincham, F. D., Beach, S. R. H., & Davila, J. (2004). Forgiveness and conflict resolution in marriage. Journal of Family Psychology, 18, 72-81.

Kachadourian, L. K., Fincham, F., & Davila, J. (2005). Attitudinal ambivalence, rumination, and forgiveness of partner transgressions in marriage. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 31, 334-342.

Olson, M. M., Russell, C. S., Higgings-Kessler, M., & Miller, R. B. (2002). Emotional processes following disclosure of an extramarital affair. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 28, 423-434.

Stoop, D. A., & Masteller, J. (1991). Forgiving our parents, forgiving ourselves, Ann Arbor, Michigan, Servant Publications.

Worthington, E. L., Jr. (1998). An empathy-humility-commitment model of forgiveness applied within family dyads. Journal of Family Therapy, 20, 59-76.

Worthington, E. L., Jr., & DiBlasio, F. A. (1990). Promoting mutual forgiveness within the fractured relationship. Psychotherapy, 27, 219-223.

Frederick A. DiBlasio

University of Maryland

Please address correspondence to Frederick A. DiBlasio, Ph.D., LCSW-C, School of Social Work, University of Maryland, 525 West Redwood Street, Baltimore, Maryland 21201.

Author

Frederick A. DiBlasio, Ph.D, LCSW-C is a professor at the University of Maryland, Baltimore, School of Social Work. He has been teaching for 30 years and has provided therapy for individuals, couples and groups for over 35 years. He writes, presents and does research in the area of clinical interventions, forgiveness and work with personality disorders.