Recommended books for helping children deal with separation and divorce.

Pardeck, John T.

The incidence of divorce has become quite common in the United States with the number of children affected each year numbered in the millions. Approximately one out of five school-age children are living in single-parent homes (Goldman & King, 1985), most averaging about seven years of age (Bear, 1980). Wallerstein (1983) reports that marital separation and divorce are emotionally comparable to losing a parent to death. Given these findings, it is clear that family breakdown, for many children, is a traumatic and painful process.

The lives of children of separation and divorce are profoundly changed psychologically, socially, and economically. They must adjust to new roles and relationships in conjunction with changes in the family's economic status, neighborhood, schools, and friends. Even though separation and divorce sometimes bring relief from tension and strife, for many children the breakup brings more stress, pressure, and conflicting loyalties (Kupisch, Rudolph, & Weed, 1984).

How children react to divorce is age related (Wallerstein & Kelly, 1980); for example, children who are very young at the time of divorce seem to suffer less. However, children from ages 6 through 8 often believe they caused the divorce. Those aged 9 through 12 often feel loss, rejection, shame, abandonment, and intense anger about their parents' separation.

Guidubaldi (1984) reports that most children, especially boys, whose parents are going through a divorce experience academic problems. Since they often turn to teachers for comfort, teachers must be particularly sensitive to their needs.

Wallerstein (1983) notes that children of divorce must resolve a number of critical "psychological tasks" in order to grow emotionally. Thus, it is critical that practitioners understand these tasks as they work with children of divorce. The following is a summary of these tasks:

1. Achieving realistic hope regarding relationships. Children of divorce must learn to take chances in forming relationships with others. They must understand that these relationships may or may not succeed. In order for children to make an attempt at new relationships, they must be loved. Often they do not feel loved because they feel one or both of their parents have rejected them. Older children in particular may act out as a reaction to these feelings of rejection. It is critical for children of divorce to realize that they can love and be loved.

2. Accepting the permanence of divorce. Children of divorce often have fantasies about reuniting their parents, even though their parents may have remarried. Unlike death of a parent, when children lose a parent to divorce, the fantasy of restoring the family can be strong. Practitioners must help children understand that this is not likely to happen and help them accept the permanence of divorce.

3. Resolving anger and self-blame. Children of divorce tend to blame their parents for being selfish and unresponsive to their needs. They must realize that this is not the case, and that they must forgive their parents for divorcing. Resolving anger and self-blame becomes a critical task.

4. Resolving loss. Divorce brings not only the loss of a parent, but of friends and familiar surroundings. Since many children of divorce do not have a meaningful relationship with their absent parent, the resolution of loss becomes even more difficult. Parents and practitioners must be particularly sensitive to the feelings associated with loss, and to help children express these feelings.

5. Acknowledging the reality of the marital rupture. Small children often experience terrifying fantasies of abandonment when their parents divorce. Parents often are so involved in their own stress during divorce, they often do not fully perceive the problems encountered by their children. Since older children are likely to suffer anxiety and even psychosomatic problems, practitioners must help them deal with these realities through supportive counseling.

6. Disengaging from parental conflict and distress and resuming normal pursuits. The resolution of this task is accomplished by children distancing themselves from the crisis in their household and resuming their normal learning activities and friendships. To help them accomplish this, parents must provide security and structure in their lives.

Wallerstein (1983) believes that children who experience separation and divorce view it as the single most important event of their childhood. The following are suggestions to parents for helping their children deal with the crisis:

1. Regular visits with the absent parent should be arranged.

2. Talk with the children about their feelings concerning the separation.

3. Try to maintain as much stability as possible through continuation of household routines, consistent discipline, and school schedules.

4. Avoid giving children responsibilities beyond their age capacity. For example, a 10-year-old should not be expected to be the chief caregiver of a younger brother or sister when the parent is absent.

5. Realize that children often go through a grieving process for the parent who is absent from the home.

6. Since children will sometimes blame themselves for the family breakdown, parents must help them understand that they did not cause the separation.

RECOMMENDED BOOKS

Practitioners will find the following annotated books useful tools in their clinical practice. These books delineate the kinds of problems children experience when confronted with family breakdown, and the creative practitioner can use them in both individual and group treatment sessions. Children experiencing family breakdown will identify with many of the problems described, and this identification process will facilitate treatment. An Interest Level (IL) is presented for each book by age.

Angell, Judie. What's Best For You. New York: Bradbury, 1981. IL: Ages 11-13.

The complex and delicate relationships involved in divorce are explored.

Berger, Terry. How Does It Feel When Your Parents Get Divorced? New York: J. Messner, 1977. IL: Ages 9-14.

The emotional problems experienced by children of divorce are discussed, as well as problems related to lifestyle changes.

Blume, Judy. It's Not The End of the World. New York: Bradbury, 1972. IL: Ages 10-12.

This first-person narrative is laced with humor concerning experiences in school and home. The child does not want her parents to divorce, but deep down knows it is inevitable. The confused emotions experienced during divorce are presented.

Boeckman, Charles. Surviving Your Parent's Divorce. New York: Watts, 1980. IL: Ages 12-18.

Legal terms, feelings, and adjustments children must make are discussed. Strategies for dealing with the emotional and psychological problems are emphasized.

Danziger, Paula. The Divorce Express. New York: Delacorte, 1982. IL: Ages 12-13.

Phoebe struggles with the problems of joint custody and adjusting to her new friends and neighborhood. She lives with her father during the week and with her mother on the weekends.

Fisher, Lois I. Rachel Vellars. How Could You ? New York: Dodd Mead, 1984. IL: Ages 9-12

An 11-year-old girl faces the challenges of a new school when she goes to live with her father following divorce.

Gardner, Richard. The Boys' and Girls' Book About Divorce. New York: Science House, 1970. IL: Ages 9-12.

The fears and worries common to children of divorce are discussed, and advice is offered on how children can face these problems realistically.

Glass, Stuart. A Divorce Dictionary: A Book For You And Your Children. Boston, 1980. IL: Ages 10-12.

The author is an attorney who specializes in divorce cases. He discusses various issues related to divorce, including abandonment and visitation rights.

Krementz, Jill. How it Feels When Parents Divorce. New York: Knopf, 1984. IL: Ages 9-14.

Nineteen boys and girls, ages 8 to 16, share the experiences and feelings they had while adjusting to the divorce of their parents. The children are from a variety of backgrounds.

Pursell, Margaret. A Look at Divorce. Minneapolis: Lerner Publications, 1978. IL: Ages 5-8.

Through use of brief descriptions and photographs of children in loving situations with one or both parents, this book helps children understand that even though their parents will no longer stay together, they will be cared for and loved.

REFERENCES

Beal, E. (1980). Separation, divorce and single-parent families. In E. Carter, & M. McGoldrick (Eds.), The family life cycle. New York: Gardner Press.

Goldman, A., & King, M. (1985). Counseling children of divorce. School Psychology Review, 14, 280-290.

Guidubaldi, J. (1984). Differences in children's divorce adjustment across grade level and gender. A report from the NASP-Kent State nationwide project. Kent, OH: Kent State University.

Kupisch, S., Rudolph, L., & Weed, E. (1984). The impact of the divorce process in the family, March 1983, Southeastern Psychological Association. Presentation published in ERIC/CAPS. Resources in Education, January 1984, ed 233277.

Wallerstein, J. (983). Children of divorce: The psychological tasks of the child. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 53, 230-243.

Wallerstein, J., & Kelly, J. (1980). Surviving the breakup: How children and parents cope with divorce. New York: Basic Books.

This article is based on the author's book entitled Bibliotherapy: A Clinical Approach for Helping Children. London: Gordon and Breach Science Publishers, 1993.

Reprint requests to John T. Pardeck, Ph.D., ACSW, Professor, School of Social Work, Southwest Missouri State University, Springfield, Missouri 65804.