Faithful Fathering in Trying Times: Religious Beliefs and Practices of Latter-Day Saint Fathers of Children with Special Needs.
Dollahite, David C. ; Marks, Loren D. ; Olson, Michael M. 等
This paper presents the findings from an exploration of religious
beliefs collected from narrative accounts from 16 Latter-day Saint (LDS or Mormon) fathers of children with special needs. Six themes were
created to organize the narratives as a result of coding. The first
three are M explicitly religious in nature: (1) choosing to care, (2)
dealing with today's challenges, and (3) building love through
play. The second three themes were explicitly religious: (4) having
faith in God's purposes, (5) giving priesthood blessings, and (6)
accepting help from the church. These themes are connected to the
literature on special-needs children and are related to the conceptual
ethic of generative fathering (Dollahite, Hawkins, & Brotherson,
1997).
While there has been no shortage of scholarly work on fathers and
fathering in recent years, relatively little research has been done on
the influence of religious beliefs and practices on fathering
(Dollahite, 1998, this issue). Indeed, religion has rarely been included
as a variable of interest in studies of fathering (Marciano, 1991). When
religion is studied, it is typically limited to quantitative assessments
of "religiosity" (frequency of church attendance) rather than
more personal or familial beliefs and practices (Michello, 1988;
Sorensen, 1989). Given the abiding importance of religious belief and
practice in American life, it is surprising that scant scholarship has
been done to ascertain whether religious beliefs and practices can be
beneficial in helping parents raise children, and if so, which are most
beneficial.
This paper presents the findings of an exploration of religious
beliefs and practices from a collection of narrative accounts from 16
Latter-day Saint (Mormon) fathers of children with special needs. We
begin with brief reviews of the literature on faith and fathering and
special-needs children. Next, we present the conceptual ethic of
generative fathering (Dollahite, Hawkins, & Brotherson, 1997) that
serves as a theoretical framework for the study. We then present the
narrative accounts and discuss them in the context of Latter-day Saint
religious belief and practice, findings from research on stress and
special-needs families, and ideas from the generative fathering
perspective. Finally, we discuss the implications of our findings for
fathering and faith.
CRITICAL REVIEW OF THE LITERATURE ON FAITH AND FATHERING
Scholarship that has treated fathering and faith can be loosely
categorized into three genres: (a) theological discussion and pastoral
counsel found primarily in religious journals, (b) psychological and
philosophical critiques, and (c) quantitative research in family studies
that examines intergenerational transmission of religiosity.
Theological and pastoral work. Hundreds of articles exist in
religious magazines and journals that approach fathering from a
theological and pastoral perspective (e.g., Falwell, 1987; Heinrichs,
1982; McCoy, 1986; Stolt, 1994). Christian theological discussions
typically center around God's "divine fatherhood" and the
relationship of this doctrine to earthly paternity. Pastoral articles
relating to fathering typically include admonition that encourages
fathers to incorporate various facets of religious beliefs and ethics
into their father-child relationships.
Psychological and philosophical critiques. Psychological and
philosophical explorations of the influence of religion on fathering
that are either neutral or positive are somewhat sparse (Abramovitch,
1997; Kass, 1994; Miller, 1983; Vergote, 1980). Critiques of religious
fathering are more abundant (e.g., Eilberg-Schwartz, 1995; Foster, 1994;
Hook & Kimel, 1995, Schwartz-Salant, 1987). Freudian and subsequent
pyschodynamic thought has impugned religion as "an obsessional
neurosis" that spawns the "oppressive religious father"
(Vergote, 1980) and is harmful to mental health. This view is highly
problematic in light of Matthews, Larson, and their colleagues'
(1993a, 1993b, 1995, 1997) four-volume review of nearly four hundred
empirical studies on religion and health that shows religious faith to
be either neutral or beneficial to physical, mental, and relational
health.
Another critique of religious fathering is found in the literature
of feminists, whose deep concern is that religious beliefs and practices
that encourage fathers to believe they should have authority over other
family members may lead to inequity, oppression, or abuse (Jantzen,
1995; Lee, 1995; Pannenberg, 1993).
Family studies. In family studies, both theoretical work and
quantitative research on the influence of faith on fathering is quite
limited, and qualitative research on the topic is nearly nonexistent.
The past 15 years demonstrate increased interest in the
intergenerational transmission of paternal religiosity, but little
research seems to go beyond the quantitative relationship between father
religiosity and child religiosity and values (e.g., Clark, Worthington,
& Danser, 1988; Giesbrecht, 1995; Petrillo & Smith, 1982).
Fathers' religiosity has been found to influence adolescents'
religiosity, but not much is known about how or why religious beliefs
and practices influence fathers' conduct or which religious beliefs
and practices are most helpful and influential. A narrative approach
maybe especially useful for research of this kind (Webb-Mitchell, 1993).
Marciano (1991) stated that the research on the religion-fathering
connection was scant and in her review of that literature concluded:
The impact of religion on fatherhood is one that needs closely detailed,
including qualitative, study, to determine whether and how religion can
enhance that role for the father, and for his children. (p. 159)
PREVIOUS RESEARCH ON FATHERING AND CHILDREN WITH SPECIAL NEEDS
The amount of scholarship on fathers' experiences with
special-needs children is relatively small but is growing (Fewell &
Vadasy, 1986; Frey, Fewell, & Vadasy, 1989; Greenfeld, 1972; Hannam,
1975; Hornby, 1992, 1994; Lamb & Laumann Billings, 1997; Lamb &
Meyer, 1991; May, 1996; Turbiville, 1994; Turnbull, 1985). Lamb &
Laumann Billings (1997) conclude that the few studies to date are
limited in a variety of ways, including over-reliance on observations of
fathers, research based on clinical impressions, maternal reports of
paternal reactions, and focus on fathers' reactions to diagnosis
rather than ongoing adaptation. Scholars in the special-needs area now
acknowledge that, until recently, families with special-needs children
were perceived, studied, and treated as if they were "distressed,
burdened by sadness and stigma" (Bennett, Deluca, & Allen,
1995). Evidence suggests that while about one-third of parents with
special-needs children may fit this generalization, the majority of such
parents, in spite of and because of these challenges, adapt, grow, and
come to feel gratitude for the privilege or "blessing" it is
to parent a "special child." In addition to these findings,
little research on the father's role in the development of
special-needs children has been done (Beail & McGuire, 1982);
studies do show, however, that fathers who are involved in the lives of
their children with special needs when they are infants tend to remain
active in their children's lives (Parke, Power, Tinsley, &
Hymel, 1980); and numerous studies have shown that experiences are
different between mothers and fathers of children with special needs
(Bailey, Blasco, & Simeonsson, 1992; Beckman, 1991; Frey, Fewell,
& Vadasy, 1989; Goldberg, Marcovich, Macgregor, & Lojkasek,
1986).
Scholars have called for research to understand the needs and
patterns of fathers in accessing support resources (Bristol &
Gallagher, 1986; Lamb & Meyer, 1991) and to study factors relating
to successful adaptation by fathers of special-needs children (Bristol
& Gallagher, 1986). There has also been a call to study fathers of
special-needs children from a generative, positive perspective, rather
than from a deficit model, that is extant in studies of fathers in
general (Hawkins & Dollahite, 1997) and fathers of children with
special needs in particular (Brotherson & Dollahite, 1997). This
study addresses these issues.
There is a small literature on religion and families with
special-needs children (e.g., Bennett, Deluca, & Allen, 1995;
Rutledge, Levin, Larson, & Lyons, 1995; Schmitt, 1978;
Webb-Mitchell, 1993; Weisner, Beizer, & Stoltz, 1991). Typically,
religious beliefs and supportive religious communities are seen as
coping resources for religious families in both the initial acceptance
of, as well as in the ongoing coping with, the challenges of raising a
special-needs child. We found no research that focused specifically on
religious influences on fathering in families with special-needs
children. This study begins to fill this gap.
THE CONCEPTUAL ETHIC OF GENERATIVE FATHERING AND FAITHFUL FATHERING
This section suggests some connections between the conceptual ethic
of fathering as generative work proposed by Dollahite, Hawkins, and
Brotherson (1997) and Dollahite and Hawkins (1998, this issue) and the
concept "faithful fathering." After a brief description of the
framework, some connections will be made with religious belief and
practice.
The conceptual ethic of fathering as generative work draws from the
developmental conceptual work of Erik Erikson (1950, 1982) and John
Snarey (1993). The generative framework is based on the idea that
universal human challenges create needs in the next generation that
fathers have the ethical responsibility and capability to work to meet,
and that fathers and children both benefit and grow from this work.
The generative ethic conceptualizes fathering as generative work,
rather than as a social role embedded in a changing sociohistorical
context. Fatherwork is a term Dollahite et al. (1997) and Dollahite and
Hawkins (1998, this issue) use to describe the conduct of generative
fathering. The conceptual ethic suggests seven areas of fatherwork that
fathers should be involved in:
1. Ethical work. Ethical work consists of the father's ability and
responsibility to commit (to pledge to ensure the child's well-being) and
to continue (to be an enduring presence in the child's life).
2. Stewardship work. Stewardship work consists of the father's ability and
responsibility to consecrate (to dedicate material resources to the child)
and to create (to provide possibilities for the child to achieve).
3. Development work. Development work consists of the father's ability and
responsibility to care (to respond to the child's needs and wants) and to
change (to adapt in response to the child's needs).
4. Recreation work. Recreation work consists of the father's ability and
responsibility to cooperate (to relax and play together on the child's
level) and to challenge (to extend the child's skills and coping
abilities).
5. Spiritual work. Spiritual work consists of the father's ability and
responsibility to confirm (to affirm his belief and confidence in the
child) and to counsel (to guide, teach, advise, and inspire the child).
6. Relational work. Relational work consists of the father's ability and
responsibility to commune (to share love, thoughts, and feelings with the
child) and to comfort (to express empathy and understanding with the
child).
7. Mentoring work. Mentoring work consists of the father's ability and
responsibility to consult (to impart ideas and stories when asked) and to
contribute (to sustain and support generative work of the child).
The generative ethic and faithful fathering. Faithful fathering
refers both to fathering that is faithful to children and fathering that
is enlivened by religious belief. The term faithful fathering captures
what the generative ethic calls for, since the term faithful connotes a
committed, involved, responsible, caring, loving, responsive father.
Indeed, the term faithful is used explicitly in the generative framework
to describe the desired result of spiritual work, namely faithful
fathers (Dollahite & Hawkins, 1998, this issue). In general, the
conceptual ethic of fathering as generative work seems consistent with
religious emphases on caring for the dependent and needy, working to
serve others, meeting obligations toward others, and striving toward an
ethical ideal. Spiritual work is, perhaps more than the other seven
types of generative work, consistent with religious emphasis on
spiritual matters and providing meaning and guidance. Spiritual work
does not necessarily imply religious belief or practice; however,
religious beliefs and practices can be helpful in facilitating
generative spiritual work (Dollahite et al., 1998). Ethical work, with
emphasis on commitment, is consonant with the idea of covenant in
religion. Stewardship work stresses dedication to the child's
physical well-being that is consonant with religious emphasis on caring
for other's material needs. Development work's emphasis on
attention to growth through responsive care and adaptation seems similar
to religious injunctions to care and change for others. Relational work,
which includes "communing" and "comforting," is
reminiscent of religious teachings to love and succor others, especially
those who are alone or in pain. Mentoring work, with its emphasis on
passing on wisdom and supporting others in their work, is similar to
pastoral teachings to bless and assist others in their burdens.
Recreation work's emphasis on playful cooperation in the midst of
stress and challenges is consonant with religious teachings that hold
out the possibility of peace and joy even while surrounded by
difficulties and pressures.
METHOD
SAMPLE
The sample consisted of sixteen married,
middle-socioeconomic-status fathers of children with special needs from
central Utah. Most were involved in a support program for such families.
The types of special needs in the children in our sample included such
things as mild intellectual and emotional limitations, serious emotional
physical disabilities, and life-threatening chronic illness. Fathers
were generally between 20 and 30 years of age (mean, 26 years) with
between two and four children. The majority of the special-needs
children were under age three, but many of the families involved had
older special-needs children as well. The sample was mainly Caucasian,
with one African-American father and one native Chinese father.
All participants were members of the Church of Jesus Christ of
Latter-day Saints (Mormon or LDS), which teaches that fathers should
place their highest priority on their work as husbands and fathers
(Hawkins, Dollahite, & Rhoades, 1993). A unique aspect of fathering
for Latter-day Saint fathers is that the church has a lay priesthood in
which most fathers are also elders or high priests in the church. Church
teachings and practices are designed to strengthen families, and for
Mormon men, the most important Mormon religious obligations, covenants,
and involvements are family-centered. In practical terms, this means
Latter-day Saint fathers are strongly encouraged and motivated to lead
their families in home-based family devotional activities (e.g., daily
prayer and scripture study and weekly religious family gatherings called
"home evenings") and to serve as spiritual leaders in their
families, including, when needed, performing "priesthood
blessings" for their children. In a priesthood blessing, the father
lays his hands on his child's head and pronounces a blessing of
"healing" or one of "comfort and counsel."
DESIGN, PROCEDURES, AND ANALYSES
Our research method was qualitative, using fathers' narratives
gathered through in-depth interviews of one-and-one-half to two hours in
length. Two-person teams, usually a man and a woman, conducted
interviews. Questions were designed to elicit from fathers narratives
that illustrated times when they felt closest to (and most distant from)
their children, times when they felt they met (and didn't meet)
their children's needs, their most (and least) enjoyable
experiences with children, and ways they tried to develop a good
relationship with them.
A growing body of literature in the social and behavioral sciences focuses on the narrative approach to understanding people (Brotherson
& Dollahite, 1997; Josselson & Lieblich, 1993; Kotre, 1984;
McAdams, 1985; Palus, 1993; Polkinghorne, 1988; Riessman, 1993).
Narrative accounts are stories that describe events and typically give
personal interpretation of those events (Brotherson & Dollahite,
1997; Dollahite, Hawkins, & Brotherson, 1996). Palus (1993) found
that lasting transformative experiences in adulthood are narrative in
nature and are incorporated into the "life story" of the
person, and McAdams (1985) found that identity is formed and changed in
a "life story." Narrative accounts partake of the unique
advantages of qualitative research that Miles & Huberman (1994)
mention: natural setting, local groundedness, richness and holism of
data, flexibility, emphasis on meaning, and usefulness for hypothesis
development and testing.
The questions asked were intended to draw out personal experiences,
along with personal meanings of those experiences. Our purpose in
performing these analyses was to better understand some of the specific
ways religious beliefs and practices help fathers who face the challenge
of raising a child with special needs. However, in the original
interviews, no questions asked specifically about religious beliefs,
practices, and experiences. Although some questions asked about negative
experiences with their children, we did not explicitly ask fathers about
possible negative effects of religion on their fathering, although
questions did not foreclose this issue.
The analyses sought to describe and interpret the meaning in the
fathers' experiences and the fathers' own interpretations of
their experiences. Other analyses of these data for other studies had
indicated that, without having been asked specifically about religious
matters, these fathers often spoke about the value and meaning of their
religious beliefs, practices, and communities in helping them father a
special-needs child. Atheoretical coding of the interview transcripts
(approximately 450 pages of dialogue) was conducted. The approach was to
attempt to understand whether and in what ways these fathers referred to
religious beliefs and practices in discussing their experience as a
father of a special-needs child.
Reflexivity. Qualitative researchers act from a subjective,
interpretive position (Hammersley & Atkinson, 1983; Miles &
Huberman, 1994; Riessman, 1993). Thus qualitative researchers typically
believe it is important to discuss reflexivity, or the potential impact
of the researchers' personal contexts and worldviews on their
analyses and interpretations. This is particularly important if
researchers are "insiders" in relation to the group they are
studying (Daly, 1992; Farnsworth, 1996). Each of the authors is a devout member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and is
understanding, appreciative, and supportive of the LDS perspective on
fathering. All three authors are fathers, and the first author has a
child with special needs. Like many other qualitative scholars, we
desire to convey clearly and honestly the values, meanings, and
experiences of members of the group we are studying to the broader
community of scholars, rather than to take a traditional scholar-subject
stance in relation to our respondents. We further acknowledge that we
are predisposed to see the positive value of religious beliefs and
practices; however, we also seek to learn if there are ways that faith
may not be helpful to fathers of children with special needs.
RESULTS
This section presents fathers' narratives arranged into the
six themes that emerged from atheoretical coding of the narratives. The
first three themes mentioned are not explicitly religious, but the
latter three themes clearly are. Given the overall religious nature of
the interviews and of the ways Latter-day Saints tend to make everyday
things sacred, we also place some religious interpretations from the
first three themes in footnotes for the interested reader. Although the
themes vary in their explicit focus, all give insight into what faithful
fathering involves.
THE SIX THEMES FOUND IN THE NARRATIVES
1. Choosing to care
2. Dealing with today's challenges
3. Building love through play
4. Having faith in God's purposes
5. Giving priesthood blessings
6. Accepting help from the church
Choosing to Care. Fathers of special-needs children are often
challenged to overcome the initial shock and heartbreak of a
"less-than-perfect" baby, followed by unexpected demands,
complications, and challenges that crowd into all areas of personal and
family life. The stress literature demonstrates that a sense of personal
efficacy or empowerment in challenging circumstances is very important
in whether a person successfully copes with stresses and crises
(Dollahite, 1991).
The fathers we interviewed faced disappointments, limitations,
frustrations, and griefs that tried their patience and sometimes seemed
to limit their options. However, a belief in their ability to choose
both their attitude and their actions seemed to empower them and to
prevent a sense of victimization through emphasizing choices instead of
constraints. In the following example, the father knows he can control
his emotions, and he expresses the joy he feels when he chooses to do
so:
Interviewer: Can you tell us about an experience when you felt especially
close emotionally to Kristine?(1)
Father: It would be one of those times when I feel that I'm getting
frustrated at something she is doing, or she is waking us up at night ...
but decide not to. You feel a bit more love in those instances when you
decide not to get mad.
Interviewer: Can you tell us about a time when you felt especially distant
emotionally from Kristine?
Father: The times that I didn't decide to not get frustrated--not making
that decision [to stay calm].
Despite the difficult situations fathers are presented with, if
they do what they feel is best, in spite of challenging circumstances,
they feel responsive to moral calls from their children. The next two
narratives exemplify such "calls" from children and their
fathers' responses:
One of my sons the other day, Russell, said, "Dad, you never play catch
with me." That's when you know that you're spending too much time at work.
If parents would only listen, they've got warning signals out there in
their kids.
I drove a truck for a while and I think that has contributed to our being
distant. She felt like she didn't have a daddy. I came home and told her to
clean something up, and she said, "You can't tell me what to do. You're not
my daddy." That ripped me apart ... I stopped driving a truck really fast
and brought myself back home [more]. She was more or less saying, "You
should be home."
In the following example, a father chooses to care for his young
daughter who is dying from leukemia; he views a potentially distasteful
chore as a meaningful relational experience:
I've just about spent my life caring for and nurturing Megan, when I wasn't
at work. Maybe the hospital is the part we like to forget but can't. When
her pain got to the point that she couldn't go to the bathroom, I was the
one that got to do her bedpans for her. She would only let me do it; I was
the one that did that. It wasn't a thing for Mom, and she didn't want
anybody else in the room. She kicked everybody out of the room--nurses, Mom
(Mom had to be outside the door), and I would get the bedpan as best as I
could under her bottom without hurting her. Moving the sheets hurt her. It
was not a good thing. But she let me do that for her, and I was able to
take care of her needs, and it helped me that I was the only one she'd let
do it.... You wouldn't expect bedpan shuffling to be a wonderful memory,
but it was. She trusted me to do my best job not to hurt her, and that was
special to me that she let me do that.
Thus, faithful fathering partly involves exercising power of choice
to commit to be an enduring presence in a child's life and to care
for a child even when that care is difficult and one is discouraged.(2)
Dealing with Today's Challenges. The research on special-needs
families has found that dealing with life "one day at a time"
is an almost universal way of coping. Many of our fathers sounded
similar chords when asked about their approach to the challenge of
raising a special-needs child. Frustration and overwhelming strain can
accompany the effort to meet all of life's challenges at once. The
following narratives illustrate the important and difficult work of
dealing with "today's" challenges today and not being
overwhelmed or distracted by far-off problems:
Immediately after Jerran's birth in the hospital, ... [the medical staff]
were talking about his sexuality, about getting married, and all kinds of
things that you don't even worry about with a normal kid, let alone a
handicapped kid, when they are born. We were trying to decide whether to
get him circumcised or not, and the things that they were talking about in
the hospital had nothing to do with us dealing with today.
For the longest time, life has been a series of
let's-try-to-get-through-today experiences.
I think that the most important thing and the biggest change that McKay has
made in our life is that he's made us realize that there are no guarantees
in life and that we can't see till tomorrow. Something could happen to my
other kids at any time. I think that the thing we don't want to happen, and
I don't want to happen, is that I don't want my last thought or my last
experience with my children to be one that is negative.... We can't stop
the arguments, and we can't stop the fights, ... but the thing that we've
tried to do the most is to be able to handle those as quickly as possible
so that we can go on in a positive way from there.
This theme relates to fathers' involvement in generative,
development work through daily responsiveness to a child's
immediate and changing needs. Thus faithful fathering partly involves
consistent effort in paying direct and immediate attention to meeting a
child's daily needs.(3)
Building Love Through Play. One of the consistent findings of child
development research is that fathers' play and recreation with
children are associated with a variety of positive outcomes for
children, fathers, and the father-child relationship. Recreation
literally means "to create anew." Recreation recreates bodies,
minds, spirits, and relationships and sometimes has a spiritual
dimension, particularly with children that have physical, cognitive, or
emotional limitations.
The fathers we interviewed described playing with their children as
deeply meaningful experiences. Many, if not most, responses to the
questions, "When do you feel closest to your child?" and
"When do you think your child feels closest to you?" were
similar to the response by this father: "When I'm playing with
her and she [his special-needs daughter] laughs."
Play was also dominant when fathers discussed their "most
enjoyable experiences" and "the most important things they do
to meet their child's needs." One father conveyed his purpose
in play as follows:
You can't very well pick a baby up and say, "I love you. You know what that
means? OK, good!" Letting him know he is loved is the most important
[thing]. The whole idea behind playing with him ... is that it develops
love.
One father explained how play helped his relationship with his
special-needs son: "I try and play basketball with him.... He talks
and opens up a lot more when we are playing basketball or doing
things."
O'Keefe (1994) explains that although play can serve as a
pillar of joy, "the joy is centered not on the activity but on the
joy of being together." This joy of being together is apparent in
father/special-needs-child play of many varieties.(4) When asked what
were some of the most enjoyable experiences fathers had with their
children with special needs, one father responded:
Changing his diaper, because you can get in his face and be fairly close to
him, and he's actually started talking or babbling for me. On the changing
table I can usually get him to start babbling right back at me.
And another said:
One of the most enjoyable experiences that I remember is that we would play
hide-and-go-seek. He couldn't talk and he couldn't walk but he could crawl.
I would hide and say, "Okay, Brandon, come and find me!" and he would come
and find me. When he'd find me, he would laugh, and we had a really fun
time doing that. I think about that a lot.
A primary reason for the power of play between a father and his
child may be that it allows the father to commune on the child's
level. A father's responsibilities as teacher, provider,
disciplinarian, etc., put him on a different level than his child. In
play, however, they can be buddies, teammates, equals.(5)
The generative practice of ,recreation work" can bring not
only occasional fun or relaxation, but also deep and abiding joy, to
those facing significant challenges. Faithful fathering thus partly
involves joyful, playful activity and conversation with one's
child. In fact, the metaphor of the Special Olympics is an apt metaphor
for fathering children with special-needs. Fathers can coach children to
develop skills and confidence, provide opportunities for accomplishment,
give encouragement and supportive cheering along the way, and present
them with rewards for effort and accomplishment. Every special-needs
child deserves a father that runs and jumps with her through the
challenges of life, one that enthusiastically hugs him at the end of
each little success, one that hangs medals on his neck with pride and
love in his eyes, and one that, through his constant encouragement and
love, places a continual stream of flowers in her hands.
Having Faith in God's Purposes. Fathering a child with special
needs can be a series of challenges and trials that leave those involved
forever changed. For some, this work is a perpetual torment, "an
affliction that continually unfolds" (Greenfield, 1972). Yet, for
others, the trials and challenges that surround their special-needs
child generate something more--life becomes more meaningful, more
cherished. In a study comparing religious and nonreligious families with
a special-needs child, Weisner, Beizner, and Stolze (1991) found that
religious parents more often referred to caring for the child as an
"opportunity" rather than a burden.
Stress theory suggests that the way that a situation is perceived
and defined has a tremendous impact on whether or not the situation
becomes a "crisis" (Dollahite, 1991). One of the potential
benefits of religious belief is that it can bring coherence and meaning
during difficult times. For example, Bennett et al. (1995) found that
religious beliefs give parents a sense of meaning and hope.
Most of the fathers we interviewed expressed an optimism and hope
that is relatively absent in many earlier narrative-based publications
(e.g., Greenfield, 1972; Hannam, 1975; Turnbull, 1985). Religious faith
was a significant part of that hope. For these fathers, their initial
"trials" were later recalled as blessings in embryo. Faith in
a divine purpose can give fathers who parent children with serious
challenges a way to define the situation that brings meaning, comfort,
and hope. One father discussed how his son has influenced many for good
and how this gave meaning to the father:
McKay was brought into this world for a special purpose, and that was to
bring people together.... I could probably tell you ten or fifteen
different instances where just this little boy has added light and brought
people together for a common cause. I think that is one of the biggest
reasons he is here with us today.
Many of the fathers from our sample gave personal examples of how
their religious beliefs about all people being children of God, the
potential for family relationships to continue beyond the grave, and the
reality of perfect bodily resurrection in the future for their child
with special needs help them to find meaning and hope.
I think the most important thing that helps me [to be the kind of father
that Wei Pan needs] is the realization that Wei Pan is not my property. He
is not my son, per se, but is a son of God and a child of God. He is given
to me so that I can raise him. That realization reminds me that I am
responsible to the Heavenly Father for him.
You read the Book of Mormon, you read the Bible, and you know that we are
all children sent from heaven down to earth. Also, being able to
participate in temple ordinances,(6) you learn that families can be
together forever. However, there is a condition that you have to hold
together and be worthy together. That is the ultimate motivation.
The most important thing in the universe, really, is your family, because
it's the only thing that goes on past this life, meaning the relationships
we develop. Megan knew about death. She knew about bodies and spirits. We
had another talk with her the night before she died. When we knew it was
coming, we talked with her. She was prepared. One of the deepest insights
that I think I got through this whole experience is that, as we sent her
off into the next world, I was so happy for her because she was going to go
on and get a perfect body. That body will never hurt her again and betray
her, never fail her. No broken bones, no shingles, no leukemia.
Another idea that emerged from the fathers' narratives was the
peace and strength that their faith in God's divine purposes
provided for them and their families during and after the birth of their
children with special needs. The following are examples:
We do have a faith, and we do have a belief in Christ. We believe in a
hereafter, and we believe in a resurrection. Because of that we don't
center our lives in trying to ask why it isn't fair or why things have to
happen. We know that in our own due time, or in Christ's time, those things
will all be answered.
We did our best to make sure that we got through it well. We weren't going
to say, "Why me?" and that is something I spent very little time on ... I
still wondered from time to time why she had to go through this, but I
didn't spend any time being mad at God that we were chosen to go through
this. I decided early on that we were going to tackle this with faith and
determination, and we were going to make it. We were going to come out
being in love with God and not hating him.
In generative fathering terms, religious beliefs form part of the
core of meaning that fathers pass on to children through the counseling
and comforting that fathers do as part of their spiritual work. The
generative ethic is based on the concept that the human condition is
inherently challenging and that generative, faithful fathering can meet
the needs that are associated with these challenges. When met with faith
and determination, trials, including those that accompany the special
needs of a child, have become blessings that fathers and families would
not surrender. Faithful fathering thus partly involves drawing on
one's personal faith to give one the strength and hope to give
one's child the lasting care and compassion be or she needs.
Giving Priesthood Blessings. Fewell and Vadasy (1986) mention that
disproportionately high desertion rates by fathers of handicapped
children have been reported. They believe that such rates will continue
unless a significant father-child bond develops early. Research on
fathers and their children with special needs shows that a father who
establishes a strong connection with his child and is actively involved
with his child during infancy is far more likely to be meaningfully
involved throughout the child's life (Parke et al., 1980). Marciano
(1991), in her review of the literature on religion and fatherhood,
mentioned that the LDS faith is unique in that it is based on a lay
priesthood, and fathers are generally priesthood holders who administer
to their own families. The LDS priesthood practice of a father giving a
name and a blessing is one way LDS fathers minister to their families
and helps create a meaningful bond between father and newborn.
When a baby is born to an LDS family, church members and the
child's extended family place great importance on the ceremony of
the father giving the child a name and a blessing. Family members and
friends travel (often from some distance) to be present at the blessing.
In front of the congregation during a Sunday service, the father and
other family members and friends who are elders in the church form a
circle facing each other and support the newborn with their hands in the
center of the circle. The father then gives the infant a name (decided
by the parents ahead of time) and blesses the baby (with things such as
health, spiritual gifts, and talents). The naming and blessing is a rite
by which the child is "introduced" to the church family in the
local congregation, and by which the child's name is placed on
church records (following the blessing). The naming and blessing also
makes public and symbolizes the commitment that the father has made to
provide for, protect, teach, love, and serve the child throughout the
child's life.(7)
In these next narratives, two fathers explain how the experience of
giving their child a name and a blessing helped them to bond with their
newborns.
Interviewer: Can you tell us about a time when you felt especially
emotionally close to Luke?
Father: The day I blessed him, when he was really little.... I think I was
more jazzed than Teresa [his wife].... I remember just how neat it was.
There was my son. I was pretty emotional. I don't think he was, but I was
really emotional over that.
Interviewer: Can you tell me about a time when you felt especially close to
Trina?
Father: That would be when I blessed her as a baby. That's one of those
times that I felt extremely close to Trina.... I learned that I would die
for this person. I learned that from this moment on we will be linked
forever. This child is my responsibility forever, to guide, to direct, and
to nurture.
To these and other fathers who were interviewed, the experience of
giving their child a name and a blessing was transcendent, a formal
commencement of paternal devotion. This practice is one way these
fathers did ethical work by being there from the beginning and publicly
committing to be involved continually.
Other than the naming and blessing of infants, other blessings
fathers give include blessings of healing (when someone is ill or has
had an accident) and blessings of comfort and counsel (when someone is
discouraged or needs guidance). For Latter-day Saints, the practices of
praying and giving blessings have special significance with afflicted children (Richards & Ports, 1995). This next narrative is from a
father whose child was sick:
Last night I stayed up till about 4:00 a.m. because Wei Pan was having a
high fever, etc. When a kid gets sick, you really reach out to him, and I
asked him whether he would like me to give him a blessing, and he said,
"Yes." That was at about 3:30 in the morning. I went downstairs and prayed
to my Heavenly Father that my sins would be forgiven, so that the Spirit
would be able to bless my son through me, and the blessing would be able to
reach him through me, and I would be clean enough to do that. Then I came
up to give him a blessing. Of course, that makes you feel very close to
your children, because that's exactly what fathers are meant to be, the
patriarchs of the family, so that you are there when your children need
you.
The following poignant narrative comes from a father who had
pleaded with God in prayer and through priesthood blessings to sustain
the life of his daughter during the years she was struggling against
leukemia. He and others had given Megan numerous priesthood blessings
and offered numerous prayers to try to heal her during her long and
painful ordeal. After all these pleadings for God to spare her life,
after their daughter had been in great pain for some time, he and his
wife felt inspired to "release" Megan from what they believed
were life-sustaining influences of the previous blessings. This was
their way of letting God know that they were ready to accept that
God's will might be to allow her to die and to be released from all
her pain. In Latter-day Saint practice, a blessing to release other
blessings is an extremely rare event, done only in extremely unusual
situations, and likely only under the influence of inspiration from the
Holy Spirit, that Latter-day Saints believe can give a person guidance
from the Lord.(8)
[Megan had] been in a lot of pain from this infection, and they'd given her
a painkiller, and it didn't always work. It would work for a while, and
then it wouldn't. That morning we'd been wrestling with the doctors and
nurses trying to get her more painkiller, and nothing was happening, and
she was just crying for me to give her some sort of relief. I was helpless.
What could I do? Sandra said, "Release her from her blessings," and I
thought, "You know, that's the only thing that I can do for her." So I laid
my hands on her head and released her from all the blessings that she'd
been given, and it was an hour later that she died. Up till that point
there was no clue she was so close to death. I really feel that releasing
her from her blessings did something, because although she had been
plugging along and slowly losing the battle, it really surprised me that
she could go from okay to gone in a mere hour. One of the most tender
moments I may have ever had was holding her after she was finally gone. She
had been in such pain that we hadn't been able to hug or hold her for a
week and a half. She was so sensitive that if you sat down on the bed next
to her, it hurt just from the motion of the sheets against her skin. This
infection was spreading all through her tissues, making her red and swollen
everywhere. But after she was gone, the nurse disconnected all the tubes
and wires, and I got to pick her up and hug her and hold her. It was very
much like holding my Megan, as if she were only asleep. As a matter of
fact, as I picked her up, the shifting caused her diaphragm to move, and a
little sigh escaped her lips. I knew it wasn't Megan doing it, but it was
Megan's sigh. It really sounded like Megan. That's kind of funny.... but
that may actually have been the closest I ever felt to Megan, and she
wasn't even there. She might have been in the room....
These parents believed that if their daughter were released from
all the previous blessings she had received, if it was God's will,
she would soon die. This illustrates the profound love this father and
mother have for their daughter, since they were willing to let her go,
rather than keep her on earth any longer under such persistent agony.
They affirmed their religious belief that they could be with her again
in the next life, so they were not saying goodbye forever.(9)
Accepting Help from the Church. Stress theory and research suggest
that crises, such as the birth of a special-needs child, can be more
easily met if one has abundant resources to meet the demands of the
situation (Dollahite, 1991). Religious communities can provide
significant resources for parents trying to be generative (Dollahite,
Slife, & Hawkins, 1998). Faith communities can serve as a
"healing community" (Bishop, 1985) and a source of strength
for parents of a special-needs child (Bennett et al., 1995;
Webb-Mitchell, 1993). Latter-day Saint belief strongly emphasizes the
importance of self-reliance and helping others as part of one's
religious responsibilities, and LDS men are encouraged to give service
and assistance to others in many tangible and intangible ways. Accepting
help from others may be difficult for men who believe they should be
self-reliant. Thus, being willing to accept help when needed can be a
challenging but necessary part of :fathering a child with special needs.
A religious community can provide moral, spiritual, social, and tangible
support (even when a father may be distanced from its direct personal
influence). This next narrative is from a father who initially perceived
that his family had not been accepted into his new neighborhood and
religious community, but later realized his perception may not have been
accurate.
We were kind of the outcasts in [a very religious] neighborhood, because
I'm a truck driver and I didn't go to church, so I wasn't active [in a
church]. We had a lot of people that sort of turned up their noses and
ignored us, and hoped we'd go away, but we didn't and stayed around. It was
surprising to see [after the birth of a special-needs child] how many of
them were like us. It was more of a perceived wall that wasn't really
there. We've had people slip ... cash under the door, and we have no clue
who it was. It's been really neat.
The father who relates this next account gratefully received help
after the birth of his special-needs son, who long remained in infant
intensive care. The help came from unlikely "angels," teenage
girls and boys:
We went to the hospital every night for ten weeks and we had a lot of help
from the youth in the ward [congregation]. A different youth would come to
our home every night and watch our kids for the two-and-a-half hours that
we went to the hospital. I think it was very positive for the youth, also.
We had different youth nearly every time, and I think they looked at it as
a service. In fact, a lot of them that volunteered to come were the young
men.
This next father called upon his religious leader in the middle of
the night to come and assist him in giving his wife a blessing while his
wife was still pregnant with their child that they knew would be born
with significant disabilities:
My wife went into the hospital after being transferred, ... but before she
delivered McKay and she knew the condition of his body, she had the faith
to ask me for a blessing. I called up our bishop at 2:00 in the morning and
said, "Bishop, I need you down here".... He came over, and we gave Alison
the blessing, and at that time she was blessed that McKay would live and
that things would work out.... I felt impressed to say those things, but I
think that more than that my wife was prepared to hear those things.
Generative fathering involves the realization that no father can
always meet the needs of all his children. In such times, fathers must
actively accept assistance for the good of their children, themselves,
their spouses, and even the good of those who are serving. Faithful
fathering includes establishing and maintaining meaningful connections
with a supportive community so that one's child will have the many
benefits which that community provides.
CONCLUSIONS AND IMPLICATIONS
In summary, these LDS fathers strived to help their children with
special needs by drawing on the hope and strength their faith gave them
to choose to care for their child, to focus on dealing with daily
challenges, to build love between them and their child through play, to
overcome the anxieties and griefs they experienced, to try to heal and
comfort their child through priesthood blessings, and to be willing to
accept help from their religious communities.
There are several conclusions and implications from this research.
The fathers from our sample provide a clear contrast to the long
prevalent image in prior literature of special-needs fathers as being
beset by despair and likely to abandon their families. This
"deficit perspective" on fathers (Hawkins & Dollahite,
1997) is by no means limited to special-needs fathering. Fatherwork with
special-needs children should and can be as wonderful and varied as
special-needs kids themselves are. Fathers of special-needs children are
ordinary men doing both ordinary and extraordinary things, since parents
of special-needs kids do the same things other parents do, but usually
have added burdens (and, often, added joys).
Although the "conceptual ethic" of generative fathering
(Dollahite et al., 1997; Dollahite & Hawkins, 1998, this issue) has
been presented as an ideal rather than a descriptive model, the men from
this sample seem to father in a way that is consistent with the
generative perspective. Probably the most important way this was true is
the focus the fathers placed on meeting the needs of their children
rather than their own needs or issues. This is consistent with the
definition of generative fathering that focuses on fathers working to
meet their children's changing needs.
Religion was an important resource for these fathers. It influenced
how they coped, the perspective they took, the way they experienced
their fathering, and the way they "told their story." Remember
that we did not ask these fathers specifically about religious matters,
so anything they said was offered spontaneously. They reported how they
drew on religious beliefs, practices, and communities, and their
narratives suggested that they believed that they received significant
assistance in their fathering and that the influence of religion was
very positive. Bahr and Bahr (1996) discuss the importance of
transcendence as a core dimension of family life. Religious faith is one
of the most likely ways that transcendence in family life can be
experienced. Religion helped these fathers establish and maintain a deep
and meaningful relationship with their children that helped them
transcend the very real griefs and challenges of child disability or
illness.
These accounts show fathers who have weathered these challenges and
who have allowed the spiritual and moral calls from their children and
their faith to help them to "turn their hearts to their
children" (Malachi 4:6). Generative fathering involves fathers
turning their hearts, minds, hands, spirits, and lives to their children
in ways that consistently and continually meet the child's needs.
Professionals who work with families of special-needs children
report that most parents say that while they would not have chosen to
have a child with significant challenges, they would not trade that
child for anything; deep meaning and connections have resulted from
their experiences. And religious beliefs, practices, and communities can
serve as one of the most meaningful resources in helping people
transcend the normal questions, doubts, and fears that parents with
special-needs children often experience.
While LDS theology and practice is unique in some ways, it shares
many elements with other faiths. Nearly all the themes that emerged from
our data have analogs in other Judeo-Christian perspectives. This
suggests that in any authentic religious tradition there are likely
similar types of benefits to fathers facing trying times. These may
include faith in something greater than oneself, a coherent set of
meanings and explanations for trying times, religious practices that
bring continuity, comfort, and connection with God and others, and a
community of believers from which to draw encouragement and assistance.
Yet there are likely also unique benefits from different religious
perspectives as well. For fathers in this study, their belief in a
literal bodily resurrection in which disabilities and diseases would be
done away with and their belief in the potential for family
relationships to last beyond death seemed particularly important to
them. In addition, these fathers' belief in their ability to access
directly divine power and inspiration through priesthood blessings
provided them with a way to connect with and serve their child.
Our work is relevant to the growing "men's movement"
that now includes a number of religious groups and has been successful
in influencing broader religious institutions as well. National groups
like Promise Keepers and the St. Joseph Covenant Keepers, as well as
local religiously-sponsored men's and father's support groups,
are part of the larger men's movement, but are unique in placing at
the center of focus men's moral and religious obligations and
commitments. Many men find purpose, direction, moral guidance, support,
and a chance to make a meaningful contribution to others through their
religious communities. We believe that religious traditions and
institutions can have significant lasting impact on encouraging men to
be responsible, involved, caring, faithful, generative fathers
(Dollahite et al., 1998), and that those who work with fathers should
facilitate religious devotion and connection for the good of fathers and
children.
This study suggested ways that religious belief and practice are
related to fathering a special-needs child for fathers in one faith.
There is much need for future research on the influence of religion in
general on fathering. That work should try to better specify the
particular ways that various religious beliefs and practices are helpful
or hurtful to fathers and should ideally include fathers from a variety
of faiths. Studies should try to understand the influence of religious
beliefs, practices, and communities in the lives of fathers who are
dealing with a variety of challenging circumstances.
NOTES
(1.) All names were changed, unless participants specifically
requested otherwise. (Megan's father requested that we use her name
so she would be remembered, and we chose to honor that request.)
(2.) The importance of choice or agency is also taught in both the
Bible (e.g., Joshua 24:14) and the Book of Mormon (e.g., 2 Nephi 2:27).
Latter-day Saint religious belief includes the importance of using
one's "moral agency" to do good for others in general,
and one's family members in particular.
(3.) Taking life one day at a time is not only a type of folk
wisdom, but is also found in Christian teachings. In Matthew 6:34, Jesus
counseled, "Take no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall
take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the
evil thereof."
(4.) Heintzman, Van Andel, and Visker (1994) have made the somewhat
counterintuitive case that leisure and play are important to
Christianity. Consistent with this, Latterday Saint faith and practice
emphasizes the value of play to the extent that LDS fathers are
encouraged to play with their children in various ways. The church
sponsors many recreational activities, and most LDS chapels have a
basketball court and a stage for theatrical performances. The
Proclamation on the Family by the First Presidency and Council of Twelve
Apostles of the Church mentions that successful family life includes
"wholesome recreational activities."
(5.) In relation to this, Jesus said that his followers should
"become as little children" (Matt. 18:3), and when fathers
play with their children, they are becoming like them as they bond with
them.
(6.) Latter-day Saints believe that sacred ordinances performed in
LDS temples allow marriage and family relationships to transcend death
and last eternally.
(7.) Although this LDS practice is unique in some ways, the
practice of the father naming and/or blessing his child has parallels in
broader Christianity (christening, dedication of infants), in Judaism
(circumcision), in Islam (the Shiite bestowal of the sacred name), and
in other traditions and cultures. These sacred practices are meaningful
partly because of the father-child bond they foster.
(8.) "A fundamental doctrine of the [LDS] Church is a belief
that a worthy priesthood bearer, when giving a priesthood blessing, will
receive promptings from the Holy Spirit regarding what is to be
spoken--not necessarily the exact words, but ideas or thoughts that he
will express as clearly as he can in his own words" (Ludlow, 1992,
p. 129).
(9.) This story illustrates the challenge it sometimes is to
present respectfully sacred or religious experiences in social science
scholarship. For some, it is an example of a story that may be too
personal or too sacred to tell. We were concerned about this issue and
wanted to honor this father's trust by asking him if he felt this
story was too sacred to be included in this publication. He expressed
that he was happy to have this experience told, and he read and said
that our interpretation of it was accurate.
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David C. Dollahite is an associate professor of family sciences,
adjunct associate professor of religious education, and founder of the
Institute for Faithful Fathering at Brigham (Young University, Provo,
Utah. He received an M.S. in marriage and family therapy from BYU and a
Ph.D. in family social sciences from the University of Minnesota. He has
served as co-chair of the Men in Families Focus Group of the National
Council on Family Relations and is president of the Utah Council on
Family Relations. He is a clinical member of the American Association
for Marital and Family Therapy. He and his wife, Mary, have six
children. (Dave_Dollahite@byu.edu)
Loren D. Marks is a graduate student in family sciences and human
development at Brigham Young University. His primary research interest
is the influence of religious beliefs on fathers. He has presented on
this topic at state and national conferences. Marks plans to begin
doctoral work in family studies next fall. He is married and is the
father of one child.
Michael M. Olson is a second year master's student in marriage
and family therapy at Brigham Young University. He will begin his
doctoral work in marriage and family therapy at Kansas State University in the fall of 1998. His research interests include fathering--in
particular, how fathers of children with special needs are able to meet
their children's needs in such challenging circumstances. Olson is
married to Camille Springer Olson, and they have one child, Taylor.
The authors are grateful for research support funds from the
Camilla E. Kimball Chair of Home and Family Life and the College of
Family, Home, and Social Sciences at BYU. We would like to thank Alan
Hawkins, Edward Kimball, Darwin Thomas, Don Swenson, Wade Horn, and
Allison Marchant for helpful comments and suggestions and Katie Baird
for editorial assistance on a previous draft. We express special thanks
to Karen Hahne, Director of Kids On the Move, for allowing us to
interview fathers who participated in her program. Above all, we are
grateful to the fathers who took time to open their homes to us and
share their stories.
Correspondence concerning this article should he sent to David C.
Dollahite, Department of Family Sciences, Brigham Young University,
Provo, UT 84602, or dave_dollahite@byu.edu.