What size is an embryo's soul

In 1985 my partner and I were married. We wanted to have a child but were unsuccessful so after a year we went to see our GP who referred us to an obstetrician/gynaecologist. Late in 1989 we were referred on to an infertility specialist at Melbourne IVG and we commenced on the IVF program early in 1990. During the break from treatment cycles, over the Christmas holiday period of 1991/1992, I became pregnant and our daughter was born in September 1992. At that time we had five embryos in storage. About two years later we decided that we were happy with one child. As we did not wish to donate our embryos and the law did not permit the disposal of embryos, our embryos remained in storage. Thursday 24th July 1997: "Today we received a letter from the Senior Counsellor at Melbourne IVG concerning our five embryos that have been in storage since 6 September 1991. I had been thinking about phoning her on-and-off for some time to talk about our embryos but hadn't made the call. The letter informed us that under new legislation, to be proclaimed on 1 January 1998, embryos could not be kept in storage for more than five years. The choices we have are: collect them after they had been removed from storage, have them discarded, donate them, or apply for an extension. With the letter was a form to be completed and returned by 1 October 1997, informing them of our choice. Also enclosed was a questionnaire."

"I feel awful. I know that we will choose to discard them and then I'll feel like a murderer. What do they call the act of a mother killing her own children?-An infanticide?" I had kept up-to-date with developments in assisted reproduction technology by reading the Melbourne IVF newsletter, "IVF News" and other print media, and via the Internet. It was important for me to know what was happening as I felt responsible for our embryos and thoughts of them were always in the back of my mind. It seemed unfair to the embryos to keep them in storage when we weren't going to use them. At the beginning of 1992, before we found out that I was pregnant, my partner and I had talked about what we wanted to do about IVF. We decided to continue on the program and use our options again and possibly come off the program. Before we had started on the IVF program my partner and I worked out what were our limits. (At that stage we still didn't know why we were infertile.) If we had a child we wanted it to be part of both of us. We would not use donor eggs, sperm or embryos. Now we could not donate our own embryos. I could not give away my daughter's siblings. I felt bad enough that we had chosen not to provide any sisters or brothers for her but it seemed much worse to give away her potential sisters and brothers. I had my daughter in front of me; I could see what I would be giving away. The only choice we could make then was to have the embryos destroyed. (It seemed so illogical that I could choose to have our embryos destroyed rather than give them away. But it was my feelings and not logic that were guiding my decisions.) Monday 28th July 1997: "At my appointment with my gynaecologist/obstetrician today I told him about the letter from Melbourne IVF and we talked about the embryos. He said that I should not have any guilt about the embryos. I replied that I didn't expect to be guilt free." Tuesday 12th August 1997: "Today I went to see the Senior Counsellor at Melbourne IVF about our embryos. It was good to see her again (she was our counsellor when we were on the IVF program) and to talk to her about the embryos and our situation. I had spoken to her on the phone last week but had decided that I really needed to see her. I talked with her about my daughter and our decision not to have any more children. I asked her about the procedure for disposing of embryos as I was particularly concerned about this. I talked about the impracticalities of my using the embryos-I couldn't have three more pregnancies or five more children-I was too old. She talked to me about donation and the life-long commitment it involved. I talked about the strong emotional attachment I had for our embryos and she told me that many of the women she had spoken to also had these feelings, feelings stronger than had been anticipated by some health professionals." The emotional attachment is very real, and, I believe, is to be expected. On the IVF program, having embryos is almost as important as a pregnancy. When we started on IVF we didn't even know if we would be able to produce embryos. At most of our embryo transfers we saw a magnified view of our embryos on a monitor. Being able to see them made the whole process seem more tangible and gave the embryos a physical identity. We could see them; they were real.

"Our discussion helped me a great deal but I still feel that the decision on the fate of our embryos is one that only my partner and I can bear. (At the worst I feel that I am killing our daughter five times. Denying them their potential and squandering their souls.)"

"After our daughter was settled for the night my partner and I had a long talk about my meeting with the counsellor, and about our embryos. Was deciding to have the embryos destroyed the same as requesting an abortion? Logically it didn't seem that it was but emotionally it felt like it. (I feel as though I have to choose to ask for five abortions, all at once, and nobody is asked to do that.) We talked about the requirement of having the disposal form witnessed and the difficulty that that presented. None of our family or friends knew that we had stored embryos. We were having enough difficulties coping with the situation and we had been on the IVF program. How could we expect family and friends to understand our decision? The frozen embryo debate reminded me of what it was like when we started on the IVF program. Many people had strong views about IVF and there was always the risk of giving offence if you talked about it. I remembered being at lunch with colleagues and one of them (who had children) saying that society should spend the money on helping infertile couples accept and value their lives without children instead of on IVF. Nowadays most people know someone, or know of someone, who has been on the IVF program, so it has become less of a polarising issue. Not so, the frozen embryo topic. We decided to ask our GP."

That night I drew a sketch in my journal of our five embryos crossed out falling into a mediwaste bag. Above the embryos was a drawing of our daughter (their guardian angel?) and I titled it "Five other (my daughter's name)." I made notes on the sketch about making a collage using a yellow medical waste bag, Petri dishes, and photos. Saturday 16th August 1997: "What size is an embryo's soul?" "On the way home tonight I heard Professor Peter Singer, of the Monash University Centre for Human Bioethics, on 3LO talking about genetics. He briefly touched on the subject of embryos when he talked to a caller who had a genetic kidney disease. He suggested that one of the caller's options was to have a child by IVF. The embryos could be tested for the disease and those without the disease gene could be implanted. Does this mean that he thinks that discarding embryos is ethically acceptable (or only those that are carrying the imperfect gene)?" Thursday 21st August 1997: "I've been reading about the embryo in some human bioethics books. The books broadened my interest in this area, but were theoretical rather than practical and so were not of as much assistance as I'd hoped." Saturday 23rd August 1997: "I watched part one of a TV series called `The myths of childhood.' In it, one of the experts, Thomas Moore said, The child carries most of the soul of the culture."'

Sunday 24th August 1997: In my journal I made a sketch of a strange mathematical formula that could be used to measure the weight of an embryo's soul. The idea made me think of the Medieval (?) debate on the number of angels that could fit on the head of a pin.

Tuesday 2nd September 1997: "Today I decided to contact Professor Singer to see if he could assist me. He had spoken to people on a talkback session on the radio so I thought that he might be willing to offer some suggestions. I feel as though I am not getting anywhere; that I'm close to an understanding but I just can't reach it. I found his e-mail address on the Web and sent him a message." Wednesday 3rd September 1997: "I received an e-mail reply today from Professor Singer, which was great, as I wasn't sure that I'd even get a reply (he is a famous academic after all and must get lots of correspondence). He gave me his opinion on the right-to-life of embryos, talked about donation and disposal and recommended some articles and books." Thursday 4th September 1997: "Tonight we saw our GP and he witnessed the embryo disposal form. I'll post it tomorrow. While I was there we talked about the embryos and how I was coping with our decision." Thursday llth September 1997: "While I was seeing my gynaecologist/obstetrician today we talked about the frozen embryos and the decision my partner and I had made to have them destroyed. I became upset while we were talking about it but I still managed to convey my thoughts and feelings about the embryos." Thursday 23rd October 1997: I did a sketch in my journal today of my uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes with our five embryos below. The embryos are crossed out; it is a variation of the sketch of 12 August. Monday 27th October 1997: Over the weekend I did an A3 drawing in black ink and pastels. My upper body is in the top half of the drawing. My head is turned to the side and one hand is partially covering my face in an attempt to hide my shame and guilt. The other hand is holding a bloodied scalpel that has cut crosses in the embryos. My reproductive organs are below my torso, followed by the five embryos, then the mediwaste bag at the bottom. "In one of the bioethics books that I have been reading was a chapter by Peter Singer in which he said that the embryo could not develop a capacity to feel pain earlier than six weeks. This opinion was pivotal for me in gaining some acceptance of our decision. I had been concerned about the disposal method and at least now I knew that they would not suffer pain." Tuesday 30th December 1997: "I phoned our IVF counsellor today as I needed to talk with her about our embryos. I told her that I was having trouble coping with our decision, which of course was very much on my mind, as it was nearly 1 January 1998. She talked about ways of remembering the embryos. She said that some couples had bought something special to remind them. I told her that I'd try to think of something associated with the time when the embryos were formed." Wednesday 31 December 1997: "Today I was phoned by my IVF doctor and asked if I would be willing to talk to an Age reporter for an article on the frozen embryo debate. I was initially hesitant but on thinking about it I realized that I felt passionately about the issue and so agreed to do the interview after ensuring that my partner was not opposed to the idea. After having only spoken to a few health professionals about our frozen embryos I had now agreed to let it become public knowledge. After this interview I thought about the fact that couples on the IVF program would now know that embryos could only be stored for five years and that they could now choose to have their unused embryos discarded when they left the program. This was such a different situation to all of the couples, like ourselves, who had had to make a decision about their five-year-old embryos. I now felt that it was appropriate that we made the decision about the fate of our embryos; they were part of us and were our responsibility."

Thursday Ist January 1998: "I have decided to write a personal article about our embryos for possible publication in Monash Bioethics Review. Professor Singer suggested this back in September but at the time I didn't feel up to it. Today my GP asked if I had reconsidered doing it, now that I had talked to the Age. This prompted my decision today." Friday 6th February 1998: "At work today I came across an article on co-firing of medical waste. I hadn't thought about the next step after the mediwaste bag. How could I have not thought of this? After all we went through to get our embryos and all of the effort put into it by many others, they were just thrown out with the garbage. I made a sketch in my journal for a collage showing medical waste (limbs, foetuses, organs, fluids, swabs, bandages, teeth, and embryos) falling through the bottom of the mediwaste bag into flames."

Marilyn Hogben is . . . Marilyn Hogben, an "ordinary" Australian woman who wrote down her reactions to what might be called Brave New World technology. She sent her journal extracts to the Monash Bioethics Review, which published an edited, shortened version in its April, 1998 issue, titled "Frozen embryos-A view from my journals." Here, you get the full text (from which our title is taken), reprinted here with her permission, as is her drawing, which she describes.

Copyright Human Life Foundation, Incorporated Summer 1998
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