Don't blame loneliness on location

By KENT S. COLLINS

DEAR SENIOR FORUM: For 15 years, I spent the time from New Year's Day to tax day in Florida. I had many friends there, but I can't go anymore, and I miss the people there very much. I need to find a place to meet new friends because it is so lonely here.

Where can I meet single people --- retired ones --- who would like to share expenses and companionship? There should be a club or organization with friends for people like me. --- E.K. IN INDIANA

DEAR E.K.: People are lonely, not places. You can find friends in Florida or Indiana or most any other place if you work at it. What you need isn't a place of friends but a personality that makes them. If that sounds a bit insensitive to your loneliness, please read on.

Nursing home administrators see this phenomenon all the time. They put a group of older people together in pleasant and supportive surroundings, but many residents are still lonely. Those residents have lost the ability to make friends. Poor health has sapped their energy, or low spirits isolates them.

No matter where you live, friends will come and go. In late life, they often go too often and too fast. Your personality needs to attract friends not just to replace those who go but to stay vibrant. Friendships are a great value in the golden years.

Friendships come from serving people who serve you back. You host, and they host back. You show kindness; they are kind back to you. You are a good listener, and they listen back. Friendships don't come from selling yourself as much as from buying into what other people are and what other people do.

Go to several places where retirees congregate and work hard to make friends. Those places are the senior citizens centers, church groups and volunteer activities. Those places are the hobby clubs and civic organizations.

Any interest you have now or wonder about developing should lead you to a group of people --- some of them retired, and some of them not --- who you could craft into friends. Common work creates common thinking, which creates friendships. A part-time job or a community cause puts you in a position to be with other retirees, learn their interests and respond to them.

Any congregation of older people will lead you to others, but only your efforts to share ideas, engage in activities or offer special acts of kindness will make friends for you.

Finally, friends seem to pile up. One friend leads you to another, and that one to others. Take a friend to those places where retirees relax or reside. Use that friend as the igniter of conversations that lead to acquaintances that can become additional friendships.

Tribune Media Services

Copyright 2001
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