Drowning in a sea of rubbish

Millions of dollars have been spent on it. Scientists have racked their brains to get rid of it. Laws have been passed to put an end to it.

Everybody's sick of it and wonders where it came from.

But nobody can stop it.

Obesity? Flu? Ryan Seacrest?

No, something worse: Spam.

There's good news and bad news from the world of obnoxious advertising schemes. The good news: Junk phone calls are down. The bad news: Junk e-mail is up. Anybody up for a Spam registry?

Like a lot of people, you probably have some highly technical questions about Spam, such as, why do they call it Spam?

According to the Webopedia, no one is quite sure. Some believe the term originated with the Monty Python song, "Spam spam spam spam, spam spam spam spam, lovely spam, wonderful spam." Like the song, Spam "is an endless repetition of worthless text."

Others believe the term originated with a University of Southern Cal computer lab, which decided that computer Spam is a lot like the lunchmeat -- nobody wants it or requests it, everybody ignores it and hardly anybody consumes it; on rare occasions, somebody might actually like it, "like 1 percent of junk mail that is really useful."

Spam seems to concentrate on a few specialties, namely . . .

Ways to make certain body parts larger. Ways to make certain parts of the body smaller. Ways to make certain body parts larger at certain times. Ways to get rich without actually doing anything. Ways to get rich by giving a perfect stranger your credit card number. Ways to get money you have to pay back but not right now. Ways to get drugs without a doctor. Ways to get pictures of naked people.

A few months ago, President Bush signed a law to curtail Spam, effective Jan. 1. Based on my own in-box, my guess is that the law is not working. Which is no surprise to Will, our Deseret Morning News computer whiz. When we have a computer problem on deadline and have to call for help, there's nothing that sounds better than to hear the voice on the other end of the line say "Systems Will." (I used to think his name was Systems Will until I realized he works in the department called Systems and his last name is Madison.) Anyway, I asked him why the federal law wasn't working.

"They can't even restrict the speed limit. How are they going to stop this!?" he said. "There are people in Third World countries sending these things. You can't regulate that."

Good point. Systems Will is not optimistic. Neither are most experts, some of whom believe the new law will actually increase Spam. Oops.

Fortunately, while weeding out endless Spam messages each morning, you'll discover that some of them are very profitable. Take this one, for instance, which is like many others I receive daily:

My name is Mr. Boka Arufu, from the Republic of Liberia. I was one of the assistants to a former Liberian rebel leader Foday Sankoh, who is now in the world court tribunal for crimes against humanity. That privileged position made it possible for me to smuggle out of my country $25 million from the sale of illegal diamonds. I seek your assistance in transferring this money to you as beneficiary, since we might still be monitored by my government. You will be rewarded, with 20% of the funds -- you will be required to sign a contract protecting our money and both parties in the transaction."

Pardon me while I write a reply. Dear Mr. Boka, Sorry, my money is tied up in the Spam market, Florida swampland and a counterfeit operation.

Just one question, though: Are you insane?

Doug Robinson's column runs on Tuesdays. E-mail: drob@desnews.com

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