The very definition of bad television REVIEW

LAST WEEK

LADETTE TO LADY

SCOTTISH, THURSDAY, 9PM

Ladette To Lady is just a clever marketing ploy for ITV to sell airtime to female-friendly advertisers, given the huge helping of ads for leg waxes, shampoos and diet cereals that were served up with this latest flavour of reality television. But no doubt some viewers, presumably those who have lost the will to flick through channel upon channel of prime-time drivel each and every night in search of something vaguely entertaining, will watch this odd mix of St Trinian's and Faking It.

Former finishing school Eggleston Hall has reopened its doors for a class of 10 loudmouthed ladettes who "delight in vulgarity". ITV has splashed its budget on multiple clones of How Clean Is Your House's Kim and Aggie, charging them with educating a class of would- be Denise Van Outens the social graces of etiquette, elocution and manners. Each week the most unruly pupil will be expelled. There shall be no chewing gum, no drinking, no smoking inside the hall, and very little substance.

So why will people tune in? Because this is escapism, the sort of programme you don't really have to follow. In all honesty, the sort of programme you don't really have to watch. Given that it follows what is fast becoming a generic recipe for reality shows summarising what is about to happen, and what has just happened about every 10 minutes, and again every side of an ad break you can happily make the tea while it's on.

Bertolt Brecht used a similar technique to maintain the intellectual respect of his audience, making them continually aware they were watching a play and not reality; Ladette To Lady strives to do the opposite.

By endlessly repeating and reinforcing the assumptions the show is based on, it hopes you won't realise that the fancy stately home is just that, and was never a highcalibre finishing school, and that the girls chosen as Britain's Most Notorious Ladettes are, with the exception of one tabloid tearaway, just working-class women who have little use for flower arranging. This is reality television that requires you to suspend your disbelief: unreality television.

To further underpin how common the contestants are, uniforms of twin-sets and calf-length skirts are dished out so the Kim-and- Aggies can poke fun at their charges' lack of finesse. You sense that soon these same clips will be used to reinforce "just how far the girls have come".

The flashpoint of the show came at the end of the first day's classes after the teachers, surprised at how well their little Eliza Doolittles were taking to ladydom, rewarded them with a trip to the local pub. A decision which "betrayed a remarkable ignorance of their charges", the voiceover insisted.

Predictably, the trip ended with a drunken stagger through the village and an encounter with a "f***ing boring old bastard". The next day, punishment came in the form of a total smoking ban.

Flashpoint over.

With the hook for this show being the recent inclusion of ladette in the dictionary, we can surely expect to see the schedules filling up with the likes of Tweenage Fanclub, Gangmastermind and Chav I Got News For You? any day now.

Copyright 2005 SMG Sunday Newspapers Ltd.
Provided by ProQuest Information and Learning Company. All rights Reserved.