Jailed dad needs to reassure boys, focus on future

Question: Your column on adoption touched my heart. In 2000, I became the proud single father of twin 9-year-old boys. We bonded very quickly and have a great relationship.

In June, I was incarcerated on charges of theft. I signed a 10- month no-contest conviction because I wanted to be reunited with my boys. (There was a threat of having to stay in jail for over a year.)

I can only imagine what is going through the boys' minds. I have written several letters to both boys, but only one writes back. The one that does not write worries me. It could be that he is afraid of writing because he can't put his thoughts on paper. He is in special classes for reading.

How do I get him to talk about his feelings about me not being there? I promised them when we became a family that I would do everything I could to stop anyone or anything from harming them. Please give me some insight on how to address this with my sons. -- C.F., Houston

Answer: The boys are lucky to know how much you care about them. But you didn't tell us who takes care of them and must help them handle their feelings now. You need to work through this person.

The boys are likely to have felt abandoned by earlier caregivers and are bound to feel that you have deserted them, too.

Are you and they pleased with the caregiving arrangements you must have had to make? If so, this is a very concrete way in which you have demonstrated to the boys your wish to protect them. You should enlist the current caregiver in emphasizing this.

The child who doesn't write to you may indeed have a learning disability that interferes with writing. But he may well be avoiding you because he feels confused or doesn't understand why you are in prison.

Both of your sons might want to identify with you but wonder now what this will mean for their futures. These boys are at an age when they are likely to be concerned about right and wrong, and fairness. You must be honest with them about what has happened so they can try to understand.

It might help to be open about your own responsibilities and limitations and to avoid making promises you can't keep. If you are innocent, then you can tell them that, without dwelling on your understandable anger, and show them how you can turn from the past -- as they must -- and focus with hope on the future.

Question: My daughter, Emma, was very social and independent at an early age. However, she was very attached to her pacifier and a stuffed animal called Baby. She would suck on her pacifier and stroke the tag on Baby when she wanted to relax.

When she turned 3, my husband and I decided to take the pacifier from her, but my mom gave me a newspaper article that said to ignore the habit and she would stop when she was ready. So we decided to ignore it.

When she was 5 and about to start kindergarten, I asked a child psychologist what she thought. By this time we had limited Emma's use of the pacifier to certain times of the day. The psychologist said it was OK to set some limits but that she should be left alone. The therapist doubted that she would continue the habit through kindergarten.

Now Emma is about to turn 10. I told her that we would wean her off her pacifier in time for her birthday. Am I making a mistake in forcing her to quit? She wants to quit but doesn't want to give her pacifier up. -- No Name, via e-mail

Answer: Ask her what would help her to give it up -- perhaps carrying a version of Baby (or a smooth stone) in her pocket, or even chewing sugarless gum. At her age, using a pacifier isn't a matter of right or wrong. It's a matter of how others will react to her infantile habit and how it may affect her self-esteem.

If you could accept her need for a self-comforter and help her substitute a more grown-up one for the pacifier, you will be supporting her self-image.

Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua Sparrow, care of The New York Times Syndication Sales Corp., 122 E. 42nd St., New York, NY 10168. Questions may also be sent by e-mail to: nytsyn- families@nytimes.com. Questions of general interest will be answered in this column. Drs. Brazelton and Sparrow regret that unpublished letters cannot be answered individually.

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