It's time again for bands to march

OK, I take it all back. Do you want to make halftime safe for the kids again? Keep it simple -- tell the marching bands to come back.

Where did they go? Was it something we said?

Something I said? Well, possibly. I, um, well, railed on marching bands a few years ago. I wrote that marching bands were old- fashioned, boring, predictable, monotonous and unwelcome for halftime entertainment, which drew an angry response (15,000 e-mails) from band aficionados. I wish to correct myself. They're not unwelcome.

Get rid of the halftime variety hour with the celebs and bring back the marching bands. Who decided to turn halftime into a Vegas floor show anyway? At least we know what we're getting with marching bands. We know they won't be ripping off crucial items of clothing. When's the last time you saw a tuba player grab his crotch during halftime.

Marching bands won't be singing "I'm gonna have you naked by the end of this song."

Marching bands are better than the current halftime parade of celebs who are turning football games into publicity stunts to revive dying careers or promote their next movie or CD. They're so self- centered and starved for attention that when they get invited to a party they've got to find a way to steal the show. So get rid of them. (Memo to Janet: It's a sports event, not a Vegas lounge!)

Thanks to Breastgate, everyone is re-evaluating halftime performers for everything from the Pro Bowl to the NBA All-Star Game. Here are a few simple rules for halftime creators to follow:

-- Anyone with the last name of Jackson is out. Please, no more members of this dysfunctional family acting out their fantasies or making up for their lost childhood or whatever it is. Michael Jackson grabbed his crotch during the '93 Super Bowl halftime (thankfully, at least it was his crotch and not someone else's). Eleven years later, sister Janet felt compelled to show American families her breast. We don't even want to know what's next. Even before she broke out the peek-a-boo trick, Jackson was singing such lines as, "Got a nice package all right/guess I'm going to have to ride it tonight" while 148 million Americans looked on, including 22 million children."

-- No more Justin Timberlake. This is the clown who claims it was a costume malfunction. Pa-lease. Memo to Justin: Aren't your 15 minutes of fame up yet? How do I say this tactfully -- GO A-WAY!

-- If you have a couple of rapper "artists" who sing "It's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes," while the other one grabs his crotch, then it's probably not a good idea to put them on the halftime program. Ciao, Nelly and P. Diddy.

-- I don't know, maybe it's me, but Kid Rock's song about hookers and methadone clinics is probably a little inappropriate. If we want to watch punks, we tune in the NBA.

-- No more halftime ho's. Is that too much to ask for a sports event? Even the Salt Lake Olympic people couldn't get this right in their version of halftime. I am thinking here of Christina Aguilera performing during the closing ceremonies of the Olympics while dressed like a hooker (the only difference between Aguilera and Britney is that Aguilera has talent). And I could've done without seeing Gene Simmons' hairy gut and tongue, by the way, thank you very much.

-- No more JC Chasez, who was scheduled to do Sunday's Pro Bowl halftime. He was replaced by dancers, drummers, conch shell blowers and local singers. I don't know how Chasez's career is going, but it can't be a good thing when you're getting replaced by conch shell blowers.

-- Anything involving girls swinging from poles and ripping off their skirts is probably out of bounds at the Super Bowl.

So bring back the marching bands. Go ahead, play the "Rocky" theme and "Be My Girl" until my head hurts. Spell words on the field while you play drums and cellos or whatever it is you do. Send the majorette guy prancing across the field. Just come back.

Halftime used to be so innocuous and wonderfully dull. During the '80s, Super Bowl halftime acts consisted of "Up With People (three times)," the USC marching band, the Los Angeles Super Drill Team, the Florida State marching band, the Air Force Band and Southern California high school drill teams and dancers. Who knew those were the days.

The NFL acts outraged by the latest turn of events, but what did it think it was going to get when it signed on MTV -- the Mormon Tabernacle Choir?

Tell the Hollywood crowd they can come back when they grow up.

In other words, never.

E-mail: drob@desnews.com

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