Mixed messages on raising children plunge parents into confidence

PARENTS across Scotland are worried they are failing to bring up their children properly after a "confusing" slew of mixed messages from politicians and the media.

As National Parents' Week begins today, a new survey has found that issues such as smacking, truancy and teenage delinquency have divided parents and left them uncertain and confused about the correct way to bring up their children.

More than half of all Scots believe too much emphasis is placed on telling parents what they are doing wrong and not enough on supporting, rewarding and celebrating families.

The study, funded by the Scottish Executive, has discovered almost a quarter of Scots parents worry "all the time" about whether or not they are doing a good job. A further 16% are concerned "quite a lot of the time".

A number of parents who took part in the survey admitted that mixed messages had eroded their confidence.

"You're told not to do this, or to do that, but where's the message telling you to take your bairn out once a week and buy them something nice?" asked Neil Fraser, a single dad from Aberdeen. He added that bringing up children was difficult enough and that the focus put on the "bad side" of parenting, by politicians and the media, did not help.

Fraser said the row over smacking, for example, had left him confused. He said he knew hitting was wrong, but sometimes "it felt like the only thing to do" to control his son when he misbehaved. "Society has changed its attitude so much in the last 10 years. Sometimes it's hard to know what's right and what's wrong," he added.

Fraser said he would also have appreciated more supportive parenting messages when he first quit work to become a full-time dad. He said he had felt like he was taking a step backwards by choosing to look after his son.

"Society still struggles with the reason why I would want to do that," he explained.

He often worries whether or not he is a good parent, and said that the government should offer a lot more "awareness and information" on a single father's role.

Kirsty Gillanders, a young mother from Renfrewshire, said messages about tax credits and nursery school places for three-year-olds were more likely to catch her attention. However, she said it was hard to ignore the negative messages repeated in the media.

"You hear don't, don't, don't all the time. Don't smack your child, don't bribe them. At the end of the day the best advice I think parents should take is to do what feels right for their child," she said.

Tracy Gilbeck, a single parent from Dundee, said she regularly doubted if she was a good mum when her husband left. But now she believes the right thing to do is to stay close to her children, especially during the early stages of their lives "I don't think there's enough done to help those who've decided to devote themselves to their children. It is still very, very difficult to be a single parent," she said.

Louise Smith, an Aberdeen grandmother who shares full parental responsibility for her 10-year-old grandson with her husband, says she feels like a "forgotten parent".

She said she has no idea how to discipline her grandson when he goes out of control. "I know I'm not supposed to smack him but what else am I supposed to do?"

Children these days are different, she said. "They are so headstrong, they don't like authority and you can't sit and talk them round." She said bringing up her own children the first time was "much easier".

The Mori poll asked 1015 adults about their views on parenting. The survey was conducted to mark the launch of Parenting Across Scotland (PAS), a six-month project that will try to find solutions to the problems facing parents. A final report will be presented to ministers next year.

Evelyn Gillan, leader of PAS, said current government thinking was "confused" and this had led to the mixed messages that worried parents.

She said legislators had focused on "the punitive end of policy" and that legislation which has led to parents being jailed, or evicted, because of their children's behaviour had sent out the wrong message.

"These policies have focused on the wrong approach towards parenting and we want to reverse that trend," she said However, Gillan stressed that the approach isn't completely negative. Politicians are helping parents get back to work and are focusing on more flexible hours. The Executive has also funded PAS, she added, and that showed a willingness to change the situation. But ultimately, "the overall message is confused".

The key to success, she said, was for politicians to say that they recognise the skills of parents, who often bring up their children in very difficult circumstances. "We want to see that commitment being valued and parents being given the right message," she added.

The complete PAS poll will be published on Thursday to coincide with National Parents' Week and the launch of Parenting Across Scotland.

A video has been prepared to mark the event in which people from across Scotland are asked about their views on parenting.

Mary MacLeod, chief executive of the National Family and Parenting Institute, who organised National Parents' Week, said the poll's findings confirmed fears that today's parents lacked confidence in their skills.

There are so many anxieties for parents these days, she added, "from theft of mobiles, access to drugs, and excessive marketing of junk food and alcohol".

If parents are to be blamed they also need to be supported, she said. "I hope Parenting Across Scotland will take these parents' concerns right into the heart of government." Ian Maxwell, deputy director of One Parent Families Scotland, said his group agreed very strongly with the survey results, adding: "Single parents often get blamed for a lot of things they are not responsible for."

He said that if society continued to blame parents then it would stop going forward.

"On the other hand," he pointed out, "if we increase the amount of support for parents we are going to see results in attendance in schools and in child behaviour."

However, a spokesman for the Scottish Executive said its policies had never been about punishing parents, but were designed to encourage and support parents to play an "active and positive" role in their child's education and development.

"It would be inappropriate to comment further until we have seen this survey in full," he added.

This year marks the 10th anniversary of the International Year Of The Family and the United Nations has called for increased awareness of family issues among governments.

Copyright 2004 SMG Sunday Newspapers Ltd.
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