A Spin Doctor writes...

IT was a lovely experience to sit beside Michael Jackson at the Oxford Union on Tuesday night, listening to him take part in the debate I sponsored: "This House Believes It's the Kids Who Matter". As you will have read, Jackson was proposing the motion, seconded by Fergal Keane. Opposing them were Gyles Brandreth and Charles Kennedy, who didn't, if truth be told, quite catch the audience's imagination in the same way.

Michael's Charter For Kids had the kind of visionary clear-eyed honesty that we could do with in government.

However, on going through it with him in the back of the limo, I had to strike out some of Michael's thoughts. For example, Article 8: "Every boy has the right to attend Mr Jackson's Neverland ranch for a sleepover."

"Michael, my darling, I think we might want to lose that one," I said, my fat gold Mont Blanc poised over his "charter". But Michael was engrossed in his copy of the Telegraph. "Isn't it terrible how people are misinterpreting Monty of El Alamein?"

he murmured absently in that lovely high, light voice of his.

Michael's words reflect the marvellous optimism there is in this country.

Things are really going so well for the Government. Gordon's Budget yesterday was a victory parade: a lap of honour for Labour. Honestly, the election's going to be a turkey shoot: a 230 majority should be no problem, and I think we're bound to see a good dozen defectors coming over from the Tory lines.

And as for the farming-hygiene problem, I think most responsible commentators can now see it's been absurdly overblown; we're past the worst, and it only upsets people who vote for the forces of conservatism anyway. Apparently, foot-and-mouth is no worse than the common cold. So why don't we just give the sniffling cows a packet of Lemsip in their swill, or fodder, or whatever it is? I think you'll find the insurance claims for all this are going to be very interesting. As I was saying to friends over dinner at the Groucho, I wouldn't be at all surprised if cheeky old Farmer Giles discovers that foot-and-mouth has also wiped out a brand-new Sony video camera, DVD player, set of Louis Vuitton luggage and Cherokee sports utility vehicle. Just you wait!

But I'm afraid, as ever, something has always got to spoil the visionary mood in creative Britain. I am sorry to say that some people have suggested that I played some part in "leaking" the Anthony Hammond report about Peter to the Press. I find it simply extraordinary that the work I do in keeping our democracy vital by briefing opinion-formers has been distorted in this way.

What happened is I invited Andrew Marr to one of the twice- monthly informal "policy" lunches I hold in the offices here - last week it was Andrew, Ed Balls, Rio Ferdinand, Niall Ferguson, Baroness Symons, Richard Dawkins and Kym from Hear'Say. After the meal was over, I took Andy to one side, and casually dropped the report in front of him. "Oh, look, Andy!" I said, "what's that you've dropped? It looks like the Hammond report." Basically, the reason I got the Hammond report out early was we're just so pleased with it. It says that Peter isn't guilty (any other verdict and we'd have the silly boy throwing all sorts of wobblies with his libel lawyers) but basically nobody else is guilty either: the PM isn't guilty for reappointing him to government, and he isn't guilty for accepting his resignation. We are all not guilty in a very real sense! It's all down to Whitehall "confusion", a lovely little concept I first suggested to Justice Scott over his (frankly overlong) arms-to-Iraq report.

BUT dear, oh dear, working with Anthony was a trial. I mean, frankly, Luciano Pavarotti with a nosebleed would be less of a bother. What a diva the man is. How precious he could be about having to submit his report to me for "shaping". Most dull old legal eagles would be delighted to have me look over their work and jazz it up a bit. The fireworks we had when I gave him back the "revised edition".

"Anthony, my love, will you calm down," I said, as he rolled around on the carpet. "We didn't need those boring appendices and all that inappropriate stuff about 'evidence' and 'blame'. We are finding the higher truth here, not the petty score-settling of deciding who is, quote-unquote, 'lying'. Now will you calm down and stop doing that to the carpet?" Honestly, he is supposed to be a professional.

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