Wake up and smell the porridge

Some job descriptions you couldn't make up.

Fiona Campbell dreamed of surrealism at work

ALL over London there are individuals whose work in some way includes an element of surrealism.

Earlier this year, we saw the phenomenon of the dreamlike "wobbly bridge testers", when 165 office workers from ARUP had to walk across the Millennium Bridge in step to find its wobbling threshold.

And at this very moment in Highgate - that magical village where fairies still live - furniture designer Walter Castellazzo is building a forest for a small boy to sleep in. The entire room is sculpted out of plaster to resemble a woodland glade, with a wardrobe shaped like a tree trunk.

Meanwhile, Isabel Rocamora is practising "antigravity" at a church in North London. Last year, she and fellow aerial dancer Sophy Griffiths performed on the Tate Modern North balcony.

She describes how "the sun shone deep pink on us from behind St Paul's.

It was so beautiful. We danced, pushing against the wall to defy gravity and achieve a sense of effortless suspension".

Over in the City, a pint of beer is poured across a bench, and Aleconner Grant Simmonds sits on it for one minute. If when he gets up, his ceremonial leather trousers stick to the bench, then the new line of ale is judged "fit and proper".

And on the roof of Buckingham Palace, the Duty Flagman is watching, waiting in readiness to hoist the standard the moment the Queen walks through the gates of Buckingham Palace.

Park Avenue Productions - a gold-mine of surrealism -- is creating colourful public launches. They were responsible for the rainbow lights on the British Airways London Eye last Christmas.

Creative director, Simon Tapping, recounts how he sat near the Eye at 3am, secretly programming the lights by computer. An Italian couple approached him to ask him to take their photo in front of the Eye.

"Which colour would you like it?"

Tapping asked generously. The couple looked at the Eye, which was blue at the time, and replied, "Can we have it white?" Tapping flipped a switch and behind them the London Eye was bathed in white light. Possibly the ultimate tourist's photo. Park Avenue managing director Hugh Carswell recalls the launch of the London Eye on Millennium Eve: "As Tony Blair switched the laser on the Eye, Concorde was scheduled to fly over.

"Because all the phone networks were jammed that evening, I kept a mobile connection open with Concorde for hours before finally shouting the immortal words 'Go Concorde, Go!'" London needs more surrealism. So, for those seeking inspiration, here are five of the most surreal jobs in London The Guerrilla Advertiser The Bear's Porridge Concealer EVERY day the bear's porridge concealer hides the bear's porridge in a different tree trunk. This isn't Goldilocks, but a part of real life at London Zoo.

Bears really do love porridge and honey, and the zookeepers use these "life -enrichment techniques" to keep the bears happy and well adjusted. The bears have a very good sense of smell, and senior keeper (carnivore section) Malcolm Fitzpatrick tells me they always find their food in the end. As you read this, a ferocious battle of intellects is raging just north of Regent's Park.

RONNIE Barker and the team from Laser Grafix zoom around London in an unmarked van, projecting giant images onto buildings by night. When they reach their target, they usually have one minute to do their job before the police move them on. Recent targets include the Dome, where they shone the Conservative Party message, "You've paid your money, now where is it?" and the Houses of Parliament, where they beamed the Labour message "Don't go back to Tory boom and bust". The next day their work might appear on the front page of every newspaper in the country.

Senior Mechanical Engineer, Thames Barrier Tower Bridge Master MARTIN Earlham?? is team leader for improvements at the Thames Barrier. Entering the Barrier is rather like "stopping inside a muddy cathedral", according to Earlham. It is domed, quiet and echoing, and he walks on several metres of silt and river wildlife, while above him are five metres of darkness. With 4,000 tons of gate to contend with, working at the Thames Barrier is a great engineering challenge and one Earlham clearly relishes.

KEITH Patterson stands in his office at the gateway to London, the sun gleaming on the river. A lever is pulled forward and down goes a great counterbalance and up splits Tower Bridge. It might be a corporate hospitality ship, it might be Michael Jackson, or it could even be a giant teabag that sails through.

"We see everything going up and down the river," says Patterson. He is responsible for the maintenance, operations and the bridge as a tourist attraction, coping with 420,000 visitors and around 900 bridge lifts a year.

Photos: Dillon Bryden, Tony Buckingham and Alex Macnaughton Drummer responsible for the mascot, Irish Guards DRUMMER Eddie Rooney in the Irish Guards, who looks after their mascot Angus, the Irish Wolfhound. Besides being a full-time side drummer in the Army pipe band, Drummer Rooney is charged with the 24-hour care of Angus. He has to see that Angus is kept to a very high standard of appearance and paraded around different parts of the regiment on a regular basis, so as to keep up morale. Rooney doesn't have to do many of the duties which soldiers are required to carry out, but the down side is that if he ever wants to go to the pub, he has to find a dogsitter.

That's true devotion.

Copyright 2001
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