What student needs is lesson in the language

If I may be so bold: Forget the 13-year-old student who wrote a violent essay and arrest the teacher for reportedly giving him extra credit.

The essay was filled with more grammatical errors, misspellings and run-on sentences than a copy-editing quiz. The kid never met a comma he liked and otherwise deserves no points for originality. Neither do any of the adults in this silly story.

To recap, Christopher Beamon recently was hauled out of school in Ponder, Texas, for the crime of writing a story that some parents and school officials found troubling. Beamon's story essentially described two stoned kids who shoot classmates and a teacher. See what I mean about originality?

Children shooting students and teachers isn't exactly an unexplored plot. On the other hand, why wouldn't we expect to see such a tale in response to a horror-story writing assignment? Witches who toss children into ovens have been replaced in today's grim tales by the gun-toting pimple-host with attitude.

School thought-police, nevertheless, acted swiftly when parents called to complain about Beamon's essay, in which he used the names of real people --- three classmates and his teacher --- as the shooter's targets. Slap that boy with a citation for lack of imagination.

Instead, principal Chance Allen called authorities --- better he had called the syntax squad --- and deputies removed Beamon from school. The child spent five days in juvenile detention.

For my sanity, spare the child and arrest Amanda Henry, "English teacher," for conspiracy to murder the mother tongue. For all you literalists out there, I'm kidding. However, I suspect that upon reading the boy's essay, you'll beg to join the posse. Here are a few excerpts as they were reprinted in the Dallas Morning News:

"I told him to come in and have a seat and we both wated and wated for Ismael because he was supposed to bring the (ounce) so we could get high but half an hour later still no Ismael so I got the idea of freeon and we grabbed a bag and a knife and ran out back to the airconditionar.

"We througth the bag over the nostle and covered it tightly and used the knife to press the volv. We started to hear something after we got high ... I thought it was a crook so I busted out with a 12 guage and Ismael busted out with 9 mm and we step off the porch and this bloody body droped down in front of us and scared us half to death and about 20 kids started cracking up and pissed me off so I shot Matt, Jake, and Ben started laughing so hard that I acssedently shot Mrs. Henry."

Well, at least it was an accident. Maybe that's why Mrs. Henry gave him extra credit. As for other mysteries, this one's solved: Now we know why barely literate children today can finish high school. Beamon can't spell or punctuate, but I'll bet his self-esteem is intact. Or it was until his arrest for following directions.

In fairness to the alarmed parents --- and in memory of Columbine killers Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris --- I, too, might be concerned if a child wrote a story specifically naming my child as a "dead man." I might even call the principal and urge him to have a chat with the boy. But have him arrested?

Like most mothers of boys, I recall wild tales my young son wrote - -- explosive, killing stories that today might land him in jail. Over my dead body. Reasonably intelligent adults know that such stories are most often harmless exorcisms of hidden fears. Reasonably intelligent public officials should know as much.

However this drama ultimately plays out, one thing is clear: Beamon is in desperate need of remedial English. If he wins the lawsuit someone inevitably will file, let's hope his parents use the money to hire him a tutor. In an act of generosity, perhaps they might also post Mrs. Henry's bail bond.

Tribune Media Services

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