Talk with depressed father

By KENT S. COLLINS

Q. I am sick and sad that my elderly father sits at home alone, complaining about various --- and apparently made-up --- illnesses. He telephones me, my brother and my two sisters regularly to moan. We all have visited him. We have taken him --- despite his protests --- to several doctors.

We even have --- most sincerely but reluctantly --- invited him to move here with us.

Our visits begin with glad tidings but quickly deteriorate into more moaning. The doctors say his physical health is fine. And he has refused our honest but hesitant offers to move him to our towns, even into our homes.

So he is stuck and so our we. He rejects our offers to help him.

The other day he said something about being anxious to go to Heaven so he could see his old friends. When I suggested he go visit some of the good friends he has who live in his town, he got mad and said he isn't well enough to go visit them. I am stuck, unless you have a bright idea. --- SAD AND MAD IN MARYLAND.

A. Your father probably won't let you get UN-stuck. The fancy experts on aging and mental health who sometimes read this space will fuss at that notion. They will insist your father needs mental health counseling. But your descriptions suggest he won't go, or if he goes, he won't take the treatment.

The experts will say get him out of the house, to senior centers and church and social events. But his refusals to visit nearby friends suggest he won't go. The experts will insist he suffers from clinical depression, which is probably correct. But based on what you have said, his reactions and rejections suggest he won't accept the diagnosis or the fix for it.

Can you coax him into taking on a roommate or pet? Can you find him a mate? Can you convince him to employ a home health-care aide or housekeeper? Can you encourage him to move to a retirement housing complex, assisted-living center or apartment unit for the elderly? Probably not.

Might one of you --- you, your brother or sisters --- engage him in a talk in which he would reveal what kind of help from you he might accept, and what kind of change would make him happy? You will feel better for trying, and your father may surprise you by accepting some change.

Los Angeles Times Syndicate

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