Age no excuse for meanness

By KENT S. COLLINS

Q: My mother has grown old and cranky. She will call late at night to demand attention. She will take a taxi to our house to complain face-to-face. She'll maneuver to get one of the children alone and then insult their appearance. She will corner my husband and sob that her grandchildren are going to hell because we don't take them to Sunday School.

She's had several women come in to clean house and do laundry for her, but runs them off with her complaints and orders.

I think this is getting worse. How do I stop it? --- NO NAME

A. You probably can't stop it.

But you don't have to live with it, either.

Tell your mother "no." Leave the house when she arrives uninvited. Tell the children --- in Mother's presence if necessary --- that, "Grandma has her opinion, but it's your parents who are in charge." And ask your husband for support in dealing with your mother. Remind yourself not to over-react to her.

Social workers call people like your mother "toxic elders." Some toxic elders do more than berate family. They call city hall and local merchants, contact church leaders and friends to be cruel and demanding.

It is nearly impossible to bring them to good sense.

Strangers become friends, who quickly become enemies. Family members are friends when they support a complaint against another family member, then get treated as enemies come the next issue.

Don't accept your mother's complaints and demands. Her suffering may not be real and may not be your fault even if they are real.

Don't be too concerned if reasoning and logic and attention don't succeed in easing your mother's complaining. She isn't complaining to get a solution or to get relief. The act of complaining has become part of her personality.

Do try to get your mother to a physician who can best determine if there is a medical reason for the "toxic" attitude.

Los Angeles Times Syndicate

Copyright 1999
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