Reality bytes no substitute for real thing; Tom Shields has had

These are difficult times for the Celtic fan with nothing happening on the pitch and even less going on in the sports pages. Not that true Celtic fans read the tabloids any more. We rely on the Electronic Tims website for our tittle-tattle and ill-informed rumour.

The latest E-Tims Rumour Mill feature includes such gems as: "David O'Leary has been house-hunting in Glasgow. Apparently he's looking at property in Cumbernauld and we know this because someone saw him in Carpet World checking out a very nice deep shag. That's the latest we've heard. Supposed to be purple. And he's getting underlay as well."

With this quality of reportage, who needs the Daily Ranger?

For those who simply must have their daily diet of inconsequential information, there is the official Celtic site which yesterday had good news about Joos Valgaeren's groin: "Valgaeren has allayed fears that his old groin injury has flared up again, insisting that he'll be ready for action once the season resumes. The Belgian internationalist reported for Celtic's training camp in Florida complaining of tightness in his groin and, for the week's opening three practice sessions, he was kept apart from the rest of the Hoops squad."

Plus, for only (pounds) 4.99 a month you can sign up for the Celtic Replay news service which offers audio and video coverage of exactly how tight his groin actually is. And - exclusive coverage of the fact that no one knows if Martin O'Neill is staying or going. Sorry, I had promised myself not to mention the O'Neill saga. I'm fed up of being put through this particular Hoop. I don't want to discuss this, not even with O'Neill if he stops me in Byres Road and asks for career advice.

With no actual football to watch, the Celtic website offers a cosy virtual world into which the fans can retreat. And live their dreams. A recent marketing promotion offered children the chance to be a Celtic player for a day.

If the kids spent a presumably obscene amount of money on SoccerDivi CD Roms - an electronic version of player picture cards - their names went into the hat. The winners would "literally sign-on for Celtic". The package promises: "Get put through your paces with the club's doctor - to make sure you're fit enough to become a Celtic player.

"Martin O'Neill will officially welcome you to the club and sign you on in front of the waiting newspaper and TV reporters. Get shown round your new club - from the trophy to changing rooms. Attend the training session. You'll meet and watch all of your heroes training." The full experience, apart from getting a game. A bit like being Simon Lynch or Colin Healey.

Or you could join the Celtic management team for only (pounds) 29.99. Sit in the Parkhead dug-out alongside Martin, Wally, and Robbo. Berate the fourth official and get sent to a seat in the stands. Tell Charlie Mann of the BBC not to ask stupid questions. Have a mischievous Rangers fan erect a Union Flag in your back garden. Fly to sunny Barbados to meet Dermot Desmond for re-signing talks, or is that resigning talks? Sorry, I promised not to mention that.

Actually, you receive none of the above for your (pounds) 29.99. What you get is a CD Rom called Live the Game, "a superb interactive website experience that allows you to select the squad on match- days, predict the scores, scorers and attendances, determine transfers and be assessed by the club on your progress on a weekly basis". Nothing at all like being a Celtic manager.

The marketing people have really only scraped the surface of the Celtic virtual world. The potential is enormous. Why go to all the bother of travelling to away Uefa games, for instance, when you can buy the Celtic Charter CD Rom. Be delayed for six hours in the bar of the departure lounge at Glasgow airport so that the fans can get suitably charged up for the flight. Finally get to your destination and drink Guinnes at (pounds) 4 a pint in an Irish pub. Try to look the other way when the 6ft 6in brute from Springburn with the IRA tattoo sings the song about his little Armalite which he takes to bed at night. See Celtic win, but have the enjoyment taken away by being treated like s*** by riot police. Suffer a farewell truncheon blow from a member of the aforementioned polis. Endure a six-hour delay in a foreign airport, this time with no drink. Prove your skills as a pilot when you have to make an emergency landing in Cardiff. Be interviewed at length by South Wales police and go home to explain to your wife why you were seen on Reporting Scotland being led off the plane in handcuffs.

But the Celtic virtual experience I really fancy is Join the Board. Get measured for your official green blazer. Occupy the comfiest and cheapest seats at Celtic Park. Smile but make no comment when fans stop you outside the stadium and ask you to Gonny Stoap the Suffering. Be gently abused by the E-Tims website. Be as much in the dark as anyone else about whether Martin O'Neill is going to sign a new contract.

PS: Thank God, the suffering stops this week with actual games against Feyenoord and St Mirren.

Copyright 2003 SMG Sunday Newspapers Ltd.
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