Let's hope this is the Big Brother to Endemol REVIEW

LAST WEEK

BIG BROTHER

CHANNEL, 4, SUNDAY TO FRIDAY

SO, the TV show most easily defined by its set furniture has once again run its course.

For the record, it was "the one with the floppy orange couches and the big perspex table".

If you haven't been watching, and that's most of you, you didn't miss anything that can't be seen on Sauchiehall Street any Friday night and, to be honest, the patter's more entertaining in Glasgow.

Played out like a very bad sitcom, Big Brother Six was Big Brother Sex. From the off, The Chav character (played by Maxwell) and The Essex Girl (Saskia) were at it. Which was lucky for Channel 4, because locking up Eugene The Nerdy Guy, Orlaith The Gorgeous Girl and Kinga The Nutter for a week in nothing but their underwear only produced the occasional glimpse of flesh.

Sam The Bisexual got evicted early on, but managed a few lap dances and sloppy kisses first. Lesley, The Well Endowed One, showed them off . . . a lot. Then The Gorgeous One developed a fear of clothes and gave everyone an eyeful, and a few a handful. Anthony The Geordie very nearly got Makosi pregnant (she was The-One-With- The-Dubious-Background-Who-Everyone-Thought-Was-A-Plant) while canoodling in the hot tub. That sparked a little Fatal Attraction in Craig, The Gay Bloke (Still Coming To Terms With It), who had an unhealthy infatuation with The Geordie, who, in turn, nobody was too sure about . . . because he's a dancer! ?

Oh, and you'll have heard about how The Nutter proved she enjoys a good Gewurtzraminer, out on the lawn.

With Big Brother throwing drunken parties nearly every night, the others somehow managed to resist copping off.

The New Age One, played by Mary, was the first to be evicted this time round. In a slight twist to the usual plot The Cook turned out to be a bloke, but Italian-born Roberto did little apart from talk with an accent, and was the fourth housemate for the chop.

Then there was Kemal The Cross Dresser, who went through an identity crisis. Vanessa The Immature One was, satisfyingly, voted out by the housemates themselves, rather than the public, and so might not even show up for the reunion bash.

The Really Unbelievably Annoying One, quite superbly cast as Science, adopted a win-by-driving-the-others-mad strategy, which very nearly worked. And, finally, there was Derek, The Posh One (aka The Adult). He had the makings of a right Nasty Nick, and somehow connived his way into the final weeks, but the former Tory speech writer never quite lived up to the reputation of a former Tory speechwriter.

And the winner was . . . well, that's a little tricky. Officially it was Anthony (The One Who Looks Like Ant But Sounds Like Dec) but, for the first time, the show's pounds-100,000 prize was split. Eventual runner-up Eugene pocketed half of the winnings during the midweek special (attempt to pick up ratings) and doesn't have to endure the full glare of the gutter press . . . so he's quids in.

The only real thing of note this year was that the house apparently split into two camps on the basis of skin colour for the first time in Big Brother's history, but let's not try to analyse what is little more than Pop Idol for TV presenters. The naivety of the first housemates has been replaced by knowing displays of qualities that contestants feel the public and TV producers will appreciate.

Big Brother has left the house - my house and your house. For the time being at least.

Copyright 2005 SMG Sunday Newspapers Ltd.
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