There are more ways than one to realign

NEW ORLEANS - So the NFL will realign its divisions along geographic lines in time for the 2002 season, when the Houston Texans begin play. That's a bold step for a league that has Arizona and Dallas in the NFC East and Carolina, Atlanta and New Orleans in the NFC West.

New Orleans hasn't been considered "west" since Thomas Jefferson bought it.

Because the NFL has struggled with this concept for decades, maybe it's best that the league avoid the whole east-west thing. There are other ways to handle this.

By mascot: The NFL could split into the Cat Division (Bengals, Lions, Panthers, Jaguars); Mammal Division (Rams, Bears, Broncos, Colts, Dolphins); Things That Fly Division (Ravens, Seahawks, Eagles, Falcons, Cardinals, Jets); Men Who Sleep Outside Division (Redskins, 49ers, Cowboys, Chiefs, Patriots); What is That? Division (Bills, Browns, Chargers, Packers, Titans, Steelers); and Saints and Sinners Division (Saints, Raiders, Buccaneers, Giants, Texans).

By marketing profile: High Crime Division (Miami, Oakland, Detroit, New Orleans, Philadelphia); Stole-A-Team Division (Arizona, St. Louis, Baltimore, Tennessee, Indianapolis); How'd We Ever Get a Team? Division (Green Bay, Buffalo, Jacksonville, Carolina, Tampa Bay, San Diego); Don't Wanna Go There Division (Kansas City, Cincinnati, Dallas, Cleveland, Houston); Japanese Tourist Division (San Francisco, Seattle, New York Jets and Giants, Chicago, Washington, New England); and Leftover/Nothing in Common Division (Denver, Pittsburgh, Atlanta, Minnesota).

By fashion sense: Colors a 5-Year-Old Would Pick Division (Green Bay, Minnesota, Baltimore, Cleveland, Kansas City); Our Old Uniforms Look Funny Now Division (Tampa Bay, St. Louis, Denver, New England); Teal Once Was Hip Division (Miami, Carolina, Jacksonville); Men in Black Division (Oakland, Atlanta, New Orleans, Pittsburgh); Silly Helmet Division (Cincinnati, Buffalo, Philadelphia, Seattle, Indianapolis, Arizona); Don't Go Changing Division (Detroit, Chicago, Dallas); Look Better Retro Division (San Diego, New York Jets, New York Giants, San Francisco); and We Look Like the USFL Division (Tennessee, Houston).

By cuisine: Seafood Division (Baltimore, New England, San Francisco, Seattle, Tampa Bay); Ethnic Division (New York Jets and Giants, Miami, Oakland, Washington); Beef Division (Dallas, Kansas City, Chicago, Indianapolis, Houston, St. Louis); Plugged Artery Division (Green Bay, Minnesota, Cleveland, Cincinnati, Pittsburgh); Spicy Division (Arizona, San Diego, New Orleans, Buffalo (Wings)); Shoney's Division (Carolina, Atlanta, Indianapolis, Jacksonville, Tennessee); Cheesesteak and Omelette Division (Philadelphia, Denver).

By weather: Cold as Sin Division (Buffalo, Green Bay, Minnesota, Detroit, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Cincinnati); Humidity/Tornado Division (St. Louis, Kansas City, Indianapolis, Dallas, Houston, Tennessee, Atlanta); Hurricane Division (Miami, Tampa Bay, Jacksonville, Carolina, New Orleans); Sunshine Division (San Diego, Denver, Arizona); Soggy Division (Seattle, San Francisco, Oakland); Nor'Easter Division (New England, New York, Washington, Baltimore, Philadelphia); Windy Division (Chicago).

The options are limitless. In the end, of course, the NFL will take the easy way out. They'll pull out a map. Hopefully not one from 1803.

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