Frozen in grief by a waking nightmare; The verdicts may be in but the

For years after her son Scott was murdered and his body discarded by a convicted paedophile, Patsy Simpson could not sleep. Each time she closed her eyes, she saw the face of her lost child staring back in her mind's eye.

"For ages I was scared to sleep," said Simpson, who still lives near the Powis neighbourhood of Aberdeen where police found her nine- year-old son's body crumpled in a rubbish skip. "Every time I closed my eyes, I relived everything."

As time goes on, Simpson's horror fails to fade. Six years later, she concedes her pain feels just as powerful as it was on the day she and husband Denny first learned of their son's fate. When Simpson lost her child, she lost her faith and her trust in humanity. Every person she now passes on the street becomes a possible threat to her family. "I used to be a happy, go-lucky person," she said. "Now I'm stressed out, paranoid and edgy."

For Simpson and other parents of murdered children, time is no healer. Their anger boils over and dwarfs all other feelings. They mourn not only for the lives of the children they lost, but what they would have become. They collectively shudder as their children's legacies become symbols of horror and are paraded on the evening news each time another child meets a similar fate. "You fill up with hate," said Simpson.

For any parent, the loss of a child is devastating. Yet, when a child is lost to murder, the bereavement process becomes aggravated by an inability to become reconciled with overwhelming unknowns.

"If you feel your child has suffered, the processing of grief is much more difficult," said Kate MacLeod, bereavement co-ordinator for the Children's Hospice of Scotland. "A sudden, tragic death presents far more difficulty than does the loss of a child who has a continuing, deteriorating condition because the shock element is so difficult to deal with."

It took nearly 10 years for Drumchapel mother Kim Gallagher to release the guilt she felt after the child she raised as her son was drowned by an 11-year-old boy. Gallagher's nephew, Jamie Campbell who had been raised by her since he was 11-days-old, was three when he died. On the last day she saw him, Jamie refused to kiss Gallagher goodbye as she headed off to work. "He was angry that I wouldn't let him bring his scooter to his gran's house."

What haunts her and her family now are all the unknowns, the questions about the final moments of Jamie's life "There are all these 'what-if-onlys' that go through your mind," said Gallagher.

"What if I hadn't been working that day? What if I hadn't taken him to my mum's? What if he hadn't gone outside?"

In Scotland, child murder is a rare occurrence. Last year, five children were victims of homicide, according to the Scottish Executive. In England and Wales, Home Office statistics show the child murder rate declined by 24% last year, and more than half of the child homicide victims were killed by their parents. Yet, as the murder rates go down, parents' fears increase. A recent study published by Coventry University showed that a growing number of parents rarely let their own offspring out of the house unsupervised because of high-profile child murders.

But public interest in such murders is to be expected, maintain expert psychologists.

The grim facts of child murder cases expose our worst fears and vulnerabilities, said David Murray, a psychologist at Notre Dame Centre's child guidance clinic in Glasgow, who offers bereavement therapy to parents of murdered children. "These stories affect all of us," said Murray. "It touches on our real dark side. Collectively there's a tragedy about the loss of potential and the loss of future. We feel collectively horrified."

As the public listens to all the gory details, the surviving parents are left struggling to reshape their lives around an unbridgeable void. For many of them, there is no such thing as moving on, or letting go.

"Contrary to popular culture, which believes you get over it, what we see over time is that there's a greater realisation of what's missing from their lives," said Murray.

"There are daily reminders of the loss. Anger becomes the only emotion left to hang on to. Many feel their capacity for trust, optimism and intimacy is lost."

Parents experience classic symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. They find themselves constantly re-traumatised when they think about their lost children, as their memories become intrinsically linked with the murder, said Murray.

"They can't always think about their child without being traumatised and that gets in the way of grieving. Grieving requires remembering, holding on to good memories and sorting out what you need to hold on to and what you want to let go of."

The story that seemingly forever altered Britain's perception of child murder remains that of Sarah Payne.

Sarah had left a game of hide-and-seek in her grandparents' West Sussex back yard and never returned home. The eight-year-old who lost her life at the hands of a convicted paedophile became a symbol of all murdered children in Britain.

Her death seemed to confirm to all parents that no child was ever truly safe. Just as her story lives on as a reminder of the evil that can swoop down on any child and carry it away. Her family must live with the knowledge that their child met an unfathomable end, the ultimate defiling of innocence.

"The grief never goes away," said Sarah's grandfather Terry, who still lives in the house from near which Sarah went missing. He added: "We've all seen psychiatrists and had counselling, but the pain never leaves us.

"You just wonder 'Why, Why Why?'"

Although a law has established a public register for sex offenders, her family still maintains that more can be done to protect Britain's children.

"Any person who has gone to court should be on file," said Terry Payne.

"If you get a speeding offence, you get on file. We need more than just words. Otherwise, there is going to be another Sarah.

"There is going to be another Holly and there is going to be another Jessica."

Copyright 2003 SMG Sunday Newspapers Ltd.
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