Calm The Teenage Concerns; Protecting your children from abuse

IT'S one of life's truths. Teenagers do daft things. But the parents of this summer's headline-grabbing adolescents will be feeling it more than most. The front pages may have been full of tales of young girls such as 12-year-old Shevaun Pennington who ran off with ex-Marine Toby Studabaker, or 14-year-old Stacey Champ who was found asleep in a lay-by with 46-year-old family friend David Milner - but behind the sensationalised headlines, how do parents cope with the dreaded moment when their teenage daughters develop sexual desires, especially if the object of their affections is an older man?

Adolescents have always thrived on crushes - think of your own penchant for the Bay City Rollers or Osmonds before you criticise wall-to-wall adoration of cloned, badly singing boys you can't identify. What parents need to know, however, is how to distinguish between harmless teenage infatuations on inaccessible celebrities and full-blown obsessions that may very well be based on "grooming" patterns by predatory adults with the means to make contact with a child.

Paul Clark is a spokesman for the National Organisation for the Treatment of Abusers (NOTA). Clark has watched the recent cases of teenage "love stories" with interest and is keen to see what emerges from both the Studabaker and Milner stories.

"Of course, it is impossible to comment on specific cases without knowing the full details," he says.

Clark does, however, emphasise the relatively unusual nature of the cases most people will have read about. "It is important to remember that children are more likely to be sexually abused by someone they know, including relatives, family friends and people in positions of trust than by a stranger. Even teenagers often have very confused feelings about being abused by someone they trusted to protect them. They may not always even realise that what is being done to them is abuse."

It's a difficult mix. Teenagers are being brought up in a society where sexualised images and messages are more easily accessible than ever before. On top of that they are dealing with the usual cauldron of hormones, perceived lack of understanding, and deep-seated belief that their parents know absolutely nothing. But parents today have additional concerns beyond pop star pashes. "What kids get up to on the internet as they develop sexually worries most parents," comments Sandra Brown of child abuse charity, the Moira Anderson Foundation. "And rightly so. At a time when your child is becoming more and more sexually aware, to allow them unfettered, unrestricted secretive access to chatrooms is as irresponsible as leaving your front door open and letting strange men walk in to their bedrooms with your permission."

Brown herself is a mother of two. Her son Ross, now 24, has just married, but it is memories of her daughter as a youngster that emphasise how fraught this area is. Lauren, 22, has just graduated, but still recalls the feeling of being raised in an environment where her mother had more knowledge than most of the dangers children and adolescents faced. "I was always very much aware that my mum knew and heard awful things about child abuse," she says. "That did make her very protective at points of my life - but I had to learn to appreciate that was for a reason. I don't think I ever felt restricted by it - she was my mum, she wanted what was best for us, and I think we have a really healthy relationship. In fact, as a teenager, lots of my girlfriends would talk to mum rather than their own parents because she was always very honest and non-judgemental."

The balance that has been achieved seems to be working. While Lauren, by her own admission, found some of her mother's work issues difficult, she also recognised that concerns were genuine and backed up by what Sandra Brown was witnessing daily.

"You have to strike a balance and it isn't always easy. I remember when Lauren wanted to take keyboard lessons and they were held in someone's home. That, to me, was a nightmare situation but I didn't want to look totally neurotic or pass my fears on to her. In the end, I levelled with the teacher and told him my own background. I sat outside every lesson and asked him to leave the door open. That worked out fine and he actually confided that he thought many parents were actually too lax in checking out credentials or doing all they could regarding their child's safety. I don't think Lauren was ever restricted - I just think I did what most parents should do, and that has actually kept her safe and turned her into a confident, confiding young woman. When it comes to your child and safety, you can't do too much. When it comes to teenagers and sex, you can't have too much communication."

In the middle of this minefield, how do you even begin to treat your teenagers as adults, ensuring that you encourage their trust and confidence in you, while also keeping them safe?

"I would encourage all families to make sure that teenagers get some one-on-one time with a safe adult of the same sex during which they can talk about anything," says Edinburgh-based life coach Angela Court.

"Chat about little stuff as well as big stuff whenever you can. Talk as a family. Use common pastimes such as soap operas as a springboard to discussing issues of personal safety. Most of all, never make your child - of any age - feel they are wrong, or bad, for raising any subject with you."

Brown agrees. "All children, from a very young age, should be helped to build up a support network of help. In a difficult situation there should always be someone they can go to. So, for example, if they have a crush on their 40-year-old teacher, or next- door neighbour, they might not want to talk to mum or dad. Who's next? Is there a favourite auntie on the list? For girls, is there a younger female teacher at school they trust? Do they go to church or sports groups where they can talk to someone? Keep building the list - and make them realise that the more people they have, the better. It's also important to understand that each family is at a different stage - what works for one teenager may not be right for another. Don't impose on your adolescent what isn't on their agenda - but listen out for when they decide that agenda has changed."

Eventually, Brown says, the turbulence will pass - especially as teenage girls are much more likely to go out with the boy-next-door than their piano teacher.

The NOTA annual conference takes place in September 24-26 at Heriot-Watt University, Edinburgh.

Angela Court can be contacted at www.thisischill.com.

The Moira Anderson Foundation can be contacted on www.moiraanderson.com or 01236 602890.

Copyright 2003 SMG Sunday Newspapers Ltd.
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