Deep listening: hearing the essence of what others say puts us in touch with our own inner wisdom

Most of us go through life gaining only glimpses of our true or natural self. We experience it when we fall in love, at the birth of a child, in moments of ecstasy, and when we are totally absorbed in the moment, free of our personal thought system of beliefs and identity.

Our true self is the essence of who we are, unencumbered by history or culture or learned ideas of who we think we are. That true self is without limitations. It can never be damaged or tarnished--but it can be out of our awareness. When we are conscious, even partly so, of our true self, we're connected to a deeper intelligence that is often called wisdom, instinct or intuition.

One way to quiet your mind, be in the present and live from your core of innate health--your natural self--is by doing what I describe as "deep listening." That means hearing beyond the spoken words to their essence and to the feelings behind them.

Deep listening is really being with another. You're in a state of presence where your mind is not cluttered with past judgments or thoughts of the future. You feel no urgency or impatience, and you let go of beliefs and prejudices you may have about the other person. It's like listening casually to your favorite music, the sound of a rushing stream or a bird singing. You're not analyzing or figuring it out, you're simply letting the feelings and sounds affect you.

hurried listening

In our hurry-up world we're all guilty of distracted and effortful listening, both of which prevent us from listening deeply. We interrupt each other, react, take things personally; we jump to false conclusions; and we rehearse what we're going to say while the other person is still talking. Distracted listening is like having two radio stations on at the same time--we can't hear either clearly and there's a lot of static. Rather than letting the words flow over us and create an impression, we're thinking about whether or not we fed the cat or about the errands we have to do on the way home.

Even when we think we're listening, we often process what another person is saying based on what's already in our minds--an association, concept or belief. This is effortful listening. Instead of listening without expectations or assumptions, we get stuck in our own personal reality and belief system. By judging and evaluating, we essentially hear only our own thoughts. Instead of feeling connected, we wind up spacey, distant, defensive or anxious.

discover deep listening

Start with your next conversation: Notice when your mind moves into distracting thoughts, judgments, memories, interpretations or interruptions; when you want to say something; when you're trying hard to listen; or when anything takes you out of the moment. Don't judge yourself, feel guilty, or try to figure out why you weren't listening or for how long--just acknowledge it, let it go and gently bring yourself back to listening. Here are three more tips:

* Have a quiet mind. Relax and let yourself melt into that place where you can just be in the present.

* Have a genuine sense of interest. True communication is about connecting at the level of the true self, Ask yourself: What is it about this person that I really want to know?

* Be aware of the feeling between you and the other person. If it's heading toward judgment, irritation or impatience, then you've moved out of the moment and out of deep listening. Bring your awareness back to the feeling of genuine interest in the other person,

feel the difference

Deep listening offers the following benefits.

It's calming. Listening deeply has the immediate effect of bringing us back to our true self. It enables us to step outside our problems and clear our minds of personal thoughts. In a sense, it's like meditation--the goal is to let go of thoughts, just let them drift away.

It leads to feelings of connection, caring and compassion. Deep listening allows for a heart-to-heart connection. We more accurately hear what another person is saying--not just the words, but the intent of the words. Seeing past the defenses and external behavior, we experience the other person's true self and discover that it's not unlike ours. This feeling of unity, of non-separation, is the wellspring of compassion.

It helps us to communicate. Deep listening creates true understanding. If people can communicate, they can begin to live and work together more harmoniously, uniting hearts and minds. And that leads to cooperation, teamwork and connection.

Photograph by JIM JORDAN

Adapted from Slowing Down to the Speed of Love: How to Create a Deeper, More Fulfilling Relationship in a Hurried World by Joseph Bailey, M.A., L.P. Copyright [c] 2003 by Joseph Bailey. Reprinted with the permission of McGraw-Hill Companies Inc. (books.mcgraw-hill.com); all rights reserved. For more information on deep listening, visit speedoflove.net.

COPYRIGHT 2003 Weider Publications
COPYRIGHT 2005 Gale Group