A Spin Doctor writes...

JUST because the Christmas season is almost upon us doesn't mean there's any letup in the sheer grinding stress of my life as a political consultant. By no manner of means. Like everyone associated with this administration, I'm always passionately concerned that 21st century Britain gets the quality of life it deserves.

Just the other night I woke up in a cold sweat because so few homes in the UK have broadband internet access.

"Jesus!" I gasped. "Internet access is just too slow through a normal BT line!"

It was only when my lady wife Normandie made me a cup of valerian herb tea that I could get back to sleep again.

But what has really upset me is this business about Elizabeth Filkin, our doughty parliamentary standards commissioner. Oh, Elizabeth. Elizabeth, Elizabeth, Elizabeth. You really have been very silly making such a fuss.

And your letter to the Speaker, Mr Martin Michael - or is it Mr Michael Martin? - alleging a "poisonous campaign of smears and destabilising innuendo" by my office is really quite extraordinary. At the request of Keith Vaz, Peter Mandelson and others, I may possibly have briefed various media outlets and parliamentarians about concerns with regard to the way Elizabeth's role was constituted. Or perhaps not.

I really can't remember. I would have to check my appointments diary.

I ACTUALLY had dealings with Elizabeth many years ago when she was an inspector with the Inland Revenue. It was towards the end of the 1980s and, I admit it, my personal and business finances were a little unorthodox. My accounts were not entirely halal.

There may have been a smidgen of exaggeration in the amount of petrol mileage claimed. There were some consultancies undertaken for cash; some payments in kind, one or two hospitality trips to the United Arab Emirates, racing at Dubai, quad-bike events in Oman, that sort of thing. Christ, everyone was at it!

But that didn't wash with Elizabeth, did it? Not for nothing was she known as The Terminator. And as my accountant, the late, great Leo Krank, and I saw her coming up the path, we felt like that poor, young woman when Arnold Schwarzenegger is clanking after her in the final reel. I remember Leo trying to climb out of the window, and Elizabeth grabbing him by his shirttail.

And when our "inspection" was over it felt as if someone had given us a 200-minute rectal exam with chain-mail gloves. Elizabeth had located my Bahamian and Sark accounts, everything. She insisted I write out a cheque for a five-figure sum right there in front of her, and made me hold my head back so the tears wouldn't fall on the cheque and make the ink run.

I think many of my issues with authority and substance abuse stemmed from that time. Certainly Leo was never the same again.

Anyway, when Elizabeth got her parliamentary job I entertained a senior political editor to lunch at a well-known Westminster eaterie.

"Elizabeth Filkin is a lovely lady," I said, musing over an exquisite Puligny-Montrachet.

"Mmmm," agreed the journalist, savouring its bouquet briefly before gulping down most of a glass.

"Of course, you know that her husband once sacked Keith Vaz, when he was chief executive of Liberal Democrat-controlled Richmond Council because Keith's tie wasn't done up properly? There's always been a lot of animus there."

I pursed my lips. "Very nasty."

Later, I had drinks with an attractive, blonde lobby correspondent.

"Elizabeth Filkin is a lovely lady," I said, savouring a margarita and a handful of seaweed-style Japanese snacks, "but do you know she once had a Super Saver Plus account at the Britannia Building Society? Bit of a conflict of interest, surely?

And she's too vindictive. Do you know she keeps a cane in her office for informal 'chastisement'?" As a result of these briefings, there may have been some press coverage which Elizabeth didn't like. I can't recall. There may have been some playful photomontages in some of the red-tops showing Elizabeth as an out-of-control rottweiler. I can't remember if I helped with those or not.

But the point is, surely to God, we need transparency in government, but we need - how shall I say this? - responsible transparency. I think we all know what I mean.

Copyright 2001
Provided by ProQuest Information and Learning Company. All rights Reserved.