Silent resolution

THIS YEAR I WANT to become more in touch with my religion. the only reason i am still alive is because i have my faith It was with great sadness that I heard about the death of baby Jennifer, the daughter of Gordon Brown and his wife Sarah. Living with cancer, I witness death more often than other people do, but I hate seeing it, especially where children and babies are concerned. It's so tragic.

My friends went through something similar last year. The couple, while trying desperately for a baby, suffering a series of miscarriages. Fortunately, they had each other, and their love is strong. They also had a lot of support from their families. I felt awkward, I wanted them to know they were in my thoughts, but how would I approach them? In the end I sent a card. I found it hard to understand how life could be so cruel.

I have no doubt in my heart that my friends, and Mr and Mrs Brown, will make excellent parents one day. They will provide the love and care that wee ones need. I am sure I speak for all my readers in wishing them peace and hope for the future.

By now, all the Christmas decorations will have been taken down, and your households will be regaining some semblance of normality. You will remember that I wanted to forego any presents because I have everything a 31-year-old cancer sufferer can have. However, Mum managed to surprise me yet again. Knowing her son's vanity, she found something I did not have - a paraffin spa, guaranteed to give me softer hands and feet. Now if only I had someone who would notice this, that would be a real Christmas present.

With the New Year past, I suppose I had better make some resolutions, although at this stage last year, I remember doing the same thing, and not one resolution lasted past January. But then I thought I was going to die last year. And that's how I feel now.

The book must be a priority, with so many of you emailing me and asking about past columns. The real worry I have is that I find columns hard to write, a project like a book is a huge undertaking, and what would happen if no publishers were interested? Books about cancer have been done before, and by better people than me. Still I guess a resolution must have the element of challenge.

However, I need to brush up on my computer skills if I am going to get this book together. In fact, forget brushing up, I started to buy one of those weekly builds-into-a-complete-clever-clogs-guide computer magazines, and I still have to finish the first one.

My generation was the one that just missed out on the PC revolution. My younger brother is an absolute whiz on the computer, but I struggle to send emails. This year will be different, trust me.

Raising money for charity, now there is a challenge. With a new organisation setting up every day, there is less of the pie to go around, so I will need to come up with some new ideas to get the public to part with money. The West Highland Way walk was great because as well as giving to charity, everyone joined together in wishing me well. No-one was sure I could manage it, and I was so emotional when I completed it. The charities are really deserving and it was a pleasure to hand the cash over, so any ideas, bearing in mind my deteriorating health, will be most gratefully received.

I also want to try to control my rants. However, before I do stop altogether, a recent report in the papers has annoyed me. Apparently Celtic Football Club were up in arms at the toilet facilities at Brockville stadium where they were due to play a game. The ladies toilet facilities there are too basic, they claim.

I used to go along to Parkhead, but because none of the locks on the disabled toilets worked, I had to give up following the team. It is distressing enough to be disabled without having to risk baring all at the ground, and it is not the cheap seats I am talking about either. I wrote to Celtic to complain, but despite getting a reply promising action, the toilet locks remained inoperable, and I now follow my team via the radio, hardly a worthy substitute. Right, now I've said it.

I must also stop ranting about the NHS. Going on about waiting times, cleanliness, staff morale is not constructive, and I really want to give the new guy, Malcolm Chisholm, every chance to show us how good he can make our health service. He has a lot of great people working for him just now, but they need leadership. He also desperately needs to recruit staff, the kind of people who care about their jobs and their patients. At the top of the tree, we need to recruit top calibre consultants, but listen to me ... breaking the resolution again.

The next resolution is a bit tougher. I want to become more in touch with my religion so that I can reconcile my faith with who I am. Sounds a bit New Age, but I believe the only reason I am still alive is because I have faith. I went through a period of denial when I was initially diagnosed. How could there be a God when a regular guy like me gets cancer, while rapists, child abusers and the like seem to get away with it? Then I realised it is not about them, but me, and what I believe.

It's easy to blame everyone else for your problems, but in the end you are responsible for your life, and it is about time I started living my life more in tune with my beliefs. If I talk the talk, then I must walk the walku You can email Jonathan at Deadherald@aol.com

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