COME ON THE GREEN MACHINE: I did have a drink and I did have a row

MY JAPANESE experience was a like a day in hell on earth. That's the only way I can describe it.

From the moment I stepped on that plane to Japan, things went really wrong. A lot of stuff has been written about what actually took place. Now here's my side of the story.

Before I say anything though, I'd like to apologise to all the people my behaviour has hurt.

Most especially my wife Caroline and four children. They've suffered more than anyone and it hasn't helped that a lot of lies were told about what actually happened. But I also want to say sorry to the Sunday Mirror readers who missed my column and the BBC viewers who missed my commentary.

The nightmare began on the Wednesday before the game with Cameroon. That's the day I set off for Japan. Our flight was chartered Dublin and along with a few hundred fans, the players' wives were on board. That's were the trouble started.

Yes, I did have a few drinks on the plane and, yes, I did have a row with some of the players' wives. But I was in no way out of control and the argument was just about defending my friend Roy Keane.

But did I raise hell like some papers have said? No, I didn't. I was in no way aggressive and, to tell you the truth, I was more nervous than anything. I've never liked flying, but more than that I was terrified of the work I had taken on with the BBC.

Most people who know me would say I'm a shy person and for years I wouldn't do a television interview. The thoughts of a camera being turned on me would be enough to make me panic.

When I was with the Irish team, there was an unspoken rule - Paul doesn't do TV interviews. But then my playing career ended and I had to find a way to support my family. I began writing for papers and enjoyed it. Then came the offers from TV and the money was too good to turn down.

I started with Irish TV and that wasn't too bad. But my first appearance on BBC's Match of the Day was one of the most nerve- wracking experiences I've ever had. Forget about playing for Ireland in the World Cup quarter finals in Italia '90 - believe me, this was far more scary.

So that's the frame of mind I was in going to Japan. Hopelessly frightened, I thought if I have a few drinks it would steady my nerves.

To tell the truth I'd been off the wagon for a few weeks before I left for Japan. The pressure just sent me over the edge.

I felt if I could have few drinks to help me through the TV appearances, I could cope. But of course It doesn't work like that. And then the Roy situation inflamed the whole plane trip. The aircraft had to land at Amsterdam because of some technical difficulties. The facilities on board weren't great either and tempers were frayed. Some of the wives had seen what I'd written about the Roy saga in this newspaper and they didn't like it. They thought I was attacking their husbands for turning on him.

That was never the case. I criticised the management, but didn't lay the blame at the players' door. As an ex-international, we stick together, that's an unspoken rule. But some people had a go at me and I defended myself.

I honestly don't think I was ever out of control. But right now I'd like to put it on the record that I apologise to each and every person on that plane if they though I was offensive. I would hate anyone ever to think that of me.

By the time we got to Japan, things were going downhill rapidly. I checked into my hotel room but the BBC had heard about the plane trip - that I'd been drinking. They told me very nicely, that I'd have to go home. I felt like such a failure.

The minder who they had assigned to me, escorted me back to Ireland the very next day. He was very kind to me and didn't judge me and for that I'm grateful.

Caroline was in Florida with the kids and Roy's wife, Theresa. I had no way back into Manchester, so I flew to Dublin and the drinking continued. I felt I had to drown my guilt. I checked into the airport hotel. I couldn't believe everything had fallen apart and I couldn't even bring myself to phone anyone.

That was stupid because people were worried but my head was gone. I won't go into the details of the next week's drinking, but eventually I came around and got myself back to my house to Manchester.

Right now, I've got to start repairing the damage I've done. It won't be easy. I'll have to start from scratch.

If there's one thing I've learned from all this it's never take on something you can't cope with.

Everybody has limits and you have to know your own. TV was never for me. I'm not making excuses. I behaved badly, but I'm going to start again now.

See Paul McGrath's big match prediction: P92

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