Make a date to get away from them all

YOU'RE out after dark. Your children are in the care of a babysitter who did not exhibit any obvious personality disorders. You have left your mobile numbers, plus the number of your chosen restaurant, the out-of-hours GP, local hospital, detailed instructions on the care and feeding of your offspring, a medical kit, plus the names of several relatives who could be called upon in an emergency.

And it's lovely being out together. You sit opposite each other, smiling, your telephonic equipment winking at you like a heap of giant eyeballs. According to relationship counsellors, we should do this more often. "I'd say it's crucial," stresses Sue Maxwell, principal for sexual and relationship therapy at Couple Counselling Scotland. "Parents can become consumed by their children. You've switched from a two-people relationship to three or more and the sheer energy expended on parenting can make us lose our sense of coupleness. If you can regain intimacy, you function far better as parents."

Alison Munro, 35, a psychiatrist from Edinburgh, has children aged five, three and 18 months. She and her partner Robin venture out around once a month, "which feels about right," says Munro. "On a practical level it's great to eat a meal without someone sitting on your lap. It's kid-free time. My heart sinks if there's a baby at the next table." Munro admits their nights out were not always so enjoyable: "When the children were younger, it was just a relief to get back, discover everyone was fine, that no-one had woken up. Now we actually relax without worrying that something terrible's happened."

Robin admits that, even now, it takes time to switch off: "Being out can feel odd at first, especially when you haven't done it for ages. You lose the habit. You need to switch off and realise it's just the two of you again. We tend to go out to eat, somewhere we can talk. When you go out so infrequently, spending two hours watching a film doesn't feel like putting the time to best use."

It's the modern way of looking at things. My parents went out rarely; I recall only one incident of being looked after by a babysitter and being flung into a state of high excitement by her stack of Jackie magazines (less so by her revelation that I should comb my hair before bed). We contemporary parents, however, know we should be out, possibly even wearing mascara. Between 1988 and 1998, the average age for a woman to have her first child rose from 26.6 to 29.2 years. That's a decent chunk of time to swish about in posh clothes without runny emissions on the shoulder. And we'd still like a bit of that, thanks.

Yet it's not as simple as calling the 18-year-old next door who loves your children so much she'll have them pinging their Duplo at her until midnight, all for (pounds) 3.50. When questioned about their "going out" habits in a survey conducted by parenting website www.parentsoup.com, 39% retorted: "Who goes out?"

"We're likely to be distanced from our family of origin so there's less of a support network on the doorstep," says Sue Maxwell. "Plus, there's finding the time when you're both available. It's not just those with young children who feel they have no time to themselves. Parents of young teenagers are out and about, picking children up from activities. They are deeply involved in managing that process of their child gradually moving away from the family, yet still needing support in order to be safe."

Anne Noble, 34, from Hawick, has children aged five and 14 months and says nights out with female friends are just as vital as couple time. "Iain and I go out so rarely that when we do, it can feel like an anti-climax - as it's bound to when you've looked forward to it so much.

"What we tend to do more is have a bottle of wine, an Indian carry- out and a video - like a night out, but in. Iain and I have been together for 15 years. Spending time together reminds us what we like about each other. It doesn't really matter where we are."

During a babysitter drought, my partner took to the night out (but in) approach. It was certainly cheaper, though I did feel a little foolish, clomping about our scabby kitchen in a clingy Karen Millen dress. Recently, after weeks of pretending our living room was a hip, shabby-chic bar, we escaped to a Lanark pub stuffed with people young enough to be our children. These infants snogged each other enthusiastically amidst the deafening music.

"Isn't this great?" I ventured.

"What?" yelled my partner.

"I said, isn't it fantastic, being out?"

"What?"

My friend Emma couldn't figure out why we'd bothered. "All that effort," she sighs. "You organise the babysitter, tidy up the house for her, put on your nail varnish, get the chance to allow it to dry before there's some child-oriented crisis. You don't want to be out late but feel forced to go to the pub after your meal because it's embarrassing, showing up at home at 9.45."

At least in the pub, you're obliged to speak to each other. Unfortunately, the conversation sometimes leads to a shouting match. Sue Maxwell says that a night out often presents an opportunity to spew out resentments. "You're in a public space and seduced into feeling comfortable. Defences diminish. Finally, you have uninterrupted time together and feel you no longer have to keep up a pretence that everything's OK." Maxwell warns that we're better discussing problems as they arise, "instead of storing them up for the night out. If it's happening every time you go out, and getting in the way of enjoying yourself, it might be wise to seek counselling."

A simpler solution may be to get out as much as we can. If going out is normal, we're less likely to get het up and emotional and start harping on about the division of domestic duties. A mother contributing to Parent Soup recommends: "Pick a night and make that your date night for the rest of your life. During this date, talk about anything but kids, finances and work."

I picture my partner and I sitting across a table and barking: "The garden is out of control." Still, we will endeavour to rev up our social life. As Sue Maxwell points out: "It's important for children to understand that their parents value being grow up and need a rich, adult life together. As long as it's not presented negatively - 'I can't stand you. I'm going out!' - most children accept that they will be looked after by someone else at some point."

Some friends with children aged 11 and 14 say their kids are so keen for mum and dad to go out, they regularly point out films and gigs they'd enjoy. "They're practically shoving us out the door," says my chum. "They'd rather be home with their mates and don't want us kicking around, looming over them."

I feel a wave of envy. Annoyingly, like most people who possess what you want - long legs, C cups - they don't seem to value what they have. "Going out is the last thing I feel like at the end of a working week," says my friend. "But it's like sex. Once you've done it, you're really pleased with yourself and realise it can be quite fun."

Give it a month and you might even do it again.

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