Left on the shelf

THE first rule of the kitchen - adhered to by anyone who has ever got married, engaged or celebrated a birthday - is this: do not dispose of any kitchen gadgets at any time, even if you haven't used them for 10 years.

Can we really be sure that there wasn't an 11th commandment stating Thou Shalt Keep Forever Thy Useless Yoghurt-Maker? Can we rule out the theory that the instruction was inadvertently chipped off Moses's tablets of stone? I reckon he tripped up over a disused Sodastream. For your kitchen is probably much like mine, crammed with gizmos and "timesaving" devices that you've used once, twice, even three times. And then no more, leaving a useless machine taking up useful space in your shelves, drawers and cupboards.

I don't make the rules.

I merely follow them, like everyone else who has ever acquired some shiny new gizmo which promised to serve up cheap delicious food time after time, for a fraction of the shop cost. But it doesn't take long to realise why we never take to such equipment - and why a recent survey discovered that people rate their wooden spoon higher than any piece of nonsensical gadgetry.

Take bread-makers, for example. What are they for? Making bread, clearly.

But isn't delicious bread available just down the road for a tiny sprinkling of small change? And isn't it much easier to do it that way? I blame Jamie Oliver and Delia Smith. If they hadn't spent all that time convincing us that bread tastes better in olive, onion, peanut, and banana flavours, we wouldn't have rushed off to buy these expensive and pointless machines - or bought them for our luckless chums about to get wed.

Other wedding present material falls at the same hurdle. Espresso makers?

Sure, they make the house smell delicious, but can you really be bothered to do the Starbucks man's job for him? The yoghurt-maker: didn't we realise that readymade yoghurt is cheap and plentiful; as is readymade pasta and a selection of readymade burgers. I gather that a group of clever entrepreneurs have started selling these items - along with readymade bread, ready-ground coffee, readyfizzed drinks - on the high street.

These "supermarkets", as I believe they are known, could really catch on one day.

The big gadgets are not the only pointless purchases in the kitchen. Open your drawers and have a delve inside. When was the last time you used your cherry de-stoner, crme brle blowtorch, ice-cream scoop, pizza cutter, corn-on-the-cob holder, teabag squeezer and mushroom brush.

I'd add an egg slicer to the list, were it not for the fact that any family members with a penchant for the ukelele may be able to eke a nice tune from this otherwise useless implement.

Then move to your food cupboard: bet you have a jar of Gentleman's Relish, sauces, mini liqueurs and pickles that are years past their use-by date.

(Have you ever met a gentleman who relishes more than one mouthful of the stuff ?) I'll eat my hat - no, make that my sixyearold tin of kidney beans - if you haven't got at least one packet of ohsoamusing noveltyshaped-dried pasta hidden behind your breakfast cereal packets. Talking of which, why can't you get rid of those tiny "variety" packs of cereal?

Of course, we've not even begun to mention what is bound to be the most historic corner of the kitchen - your spice and herb rack. Dried, they never go mouldy, of course. But they do tend to lose all their spiciness and herbiness. Sprinkling them in your cooking? You may as well use a handful of dust.

I don't recommend it. Old spice has never worked for me.

Copyright 2002
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