Minding the gap; No amount of planning can make your family perfect

SOMETIMES it seems that we big, strapping adults don't actually like children very much. When we discuss family planning - and mull over the perfect spacing between offspring - we often say: "I want them close together so the baby bit's over and done with." If we're being really brave, we might add: "I intend to get back into the real world in pressed, dry-clean-only clothes without bits of broken tractor in the pockets as quickly as humanly possible." A friend, who is 36 and seven months pregnant with her first child, says she intends to "rattle out" three babies by the time she hits 40. "No point in dragging it out," she says with a shrug.

Every parent (or prospective parent) has a theory on sensible spacing. In a recent poll, 70% of parents cited "between two and four years" as the ideal gap. A clearly bonkers 2% said 9-15 months, with 8.5% opting for four years or more.

Fine: we know what we want. Whether we achieve it is another matter. Fiona Ewing, 37, from Biggar, Lanarkshire, has daughters Alix, five in September, and Lauryn, one this month. "It's a bigger gap than we'd planned and there are downsides," she admits.

"Certain toys of Alix's - the Barbie shoes, the princess outfits that shed sequins - must be stored away from Lauryn's grabbing fingers. But it's worked out well for us. Alix is pretty self- sufficient: it makes a big difference when the big one can get dressed, clamber in and out of the car and understand instructions. She's happy to fetch and carry too. It's very helpful having an older child around when you open up your baby's nappy and find more in it than you'd expected."

Ewing has experienced few negative aspects, even when Lauryn was born. "Alix did regress a bit, demanding extra attention, but we're well over that now. Yes, there's nearly a four-year gap, but Alix plays happily with her older cousin, who's four years older too. What seems like a big gap now feels not nearly so big as they grow older."

Even if your children are closely spaced, there is no guarantee that they will grow up playing sweetly together and politely offering each other chocolate. "Not all brothers and sisters even like each other," points out Penelope Leach, leading psychologist, childcare expert and author of Baby And Child (Penguin). "It is often the apparently ill-assorted pairs who get on best." In fact, those who should share interests are often too busy walloping each other; same- sex children, three years or closer in age, are the most likely to be constantly compared - and therefore more prone to bickering.

My partner and I witness this daily in the comfort of our own home. Our four-year-old twins (age gap: two minutes) have fought and squabbled since they grasped the concept of owning anything. "That's mine," they bark furiously, scrapping over a dusty elastic band discovered on the pavement. "The advantage of a small age gap tends to come much later," soothes Leach. "A longer gap - perhaps two-and- a-half to three-and-a-half years - is usually much easier, physically and emotionally. Your body belongs to you for a while between the two children."

Margaret Thompson, 43, from Glespin near Douglas, Lanarkshire, has nine children ranging from 16 months to 20. "The children born closest together - an 18-months gap - have been more accepting of each other and of the little ones," she says. "My first, Harry, was the only one for three years and has certainly been more jealous than the others. By the time his brother Laurence arrived, my sisters had had children too and here were five babies, all invading his territory."

Thompson says that managing even the smallest gaps hasn't been a struggle: "I breastfed each of them until at least 15 months. There's been a feeling of sadness, though, when the youngest has still been feeding and at the clingy stage - then along comes the new one and sort of takes their place. There's a sense of moving on and it seems to happen so quickly." While Thompson says she never felt drained - "though my mum reckons it'll hit me when I'm older" - the physical toil of closely spaced children can be overwhelming. For instance, an 18-month gap might mean lurching straight from breastfeeding to pregnancy. During the first few months of pregnancy, you may be acquainting yourself with the toilet bowl just as your toddler is becoming more boisterous and demanding lots of carrying. A baby and toddler may require a double buggy (carefully designed to be three millimetres wider than the doorway of your favourite shop). You're talking two in nappies and, if you intend to return to work, double childcare fees gobbling up a hefty chunk of your earnings.

Irene Yates, author of Pre-School Learning For Parents (Piccadilly) observes: "When children are close together the first tends to hold the second one back language-wise. The younger one has someone to speak for them and is happy observing. There is less of a need to communicate." Yates saw this with her own, now grown-up, daughters who are two years apart: "The first had wonderful language development and the second sat and watched. Yet they were very close; I'd often feel like the odd one out. They lost interest in each other during the teenage years - by then it was all about rivalry - but now, as mothers themselves, they're as thick as thieves again."

It seems there are pros and cons with any set-up. While an 18- month-old will quickly forget that he was ever the only one, he will not understand that a baby is a fragile human being and not to be used as a cushion. Some parents have an astoundingly practical attitude towards family planning, conceiving the second while they still have a steriliser, buggy and crib to hand (after all, it saves taking the self-assembly cot to bits and rebuilding the darned thing). A friend, Anne, bravely tried to conceive during her daughter Hannah's first year; her second child, Nina, finally arrived when Hannah was heading for seven.

"It's been the making of Hannah," says Anne. "She was a tantrummy kid, very high maintenance, and the arrival of her little sister bowled her over and brought out a much sweeter side to her. There's been no jealousy. Hannah is old enough to understand that Nina needs to be fed as soon as she's hungry, and that she doesn't break or rip things intentionally, but only because she doesn't know any better."

Anne adds that any disadvantages - "like being housebound after getting used to having a social life again" - are outweighed by the fact that Hannah has willingly taken on a range of baby-related duties. "Plus, the gap is so big that Hannah's at school and off to sleepovers and doing her own thing, so we can enjoy Nina as if she were a first baby. I just have to make sure that I don't rely on Hannah too much, forgetting that she's still little herself."

Like most of us, Anne simply deals with the pros and cons of her children's respective stages. Leach recommends such a pragmatic approach: "Don't waste much worry on the ideal age gap. Whether your child is one or four when the new baby is born - the problems are a bit different if he is eight or 12 - he won't like it but he will cope. And it's perfectly reasonable to expect that he will even be glad you did it - one day."

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