DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

SIR PAUL McCARTNEY Location: Last Night of the Proms, Albert Hall, SW7.

Impossible demand: "I'd like to book two tickets for the Proms' last night for Paul McCartney."

"What, the real Paul?"

"Yes."

"Oh, you'd better call David Stott from the BBC."

We did. "That's fine.They are pounds 73 each. Nicholas Kenyon's PA will be calling you - the director of the BBC Proms would like to invite Paul to his drinks party that night."

Ordinary person: "We are sold out. If you want standing tickets you can queue on the day, though expect to queue for several hours."

Zuma

VICTORIA BECKHAM Location: Le Caprice, Arlington Street, SW1.

Impossible demand: "I'd like to book a table for lunch tomorrow for Victoria Beckham, Brooklyn and four of his friends."

"Yes, that's fine."

"I can't see burger and chips on the menu."

"Don't worry, we can improvise."

"Brooklyn will be in his strip and will be bringing his football. Is there anywhere they can play?"

"We have no outside space.We're a restaurant [laughing]."

Ordinary person: "We can't do you a table at 1pm but you could have a place at the bar. It's exactly the same menu."

RESTAURANT fashions may come and go, but in London the best way to discover if you are a someone is if you can get a table at The Ivy.

I'm obviously no one. I have just been told I haven't any chance of getting in for an evening meal at a

way a reasonable hour at the celebs' favourite canteen on any night before the end of January 2003.

And as that is the last date they are taking bookings for at the moment that means effectively never. I could weep.

I shouldn't be surprised. A number of years ago I was asked by my then boss to organise a dinner being hosted for Tom Ford, the Gucci designer. The great man decided he wanted to go to The Ivy.

With a little bit of pleading I managed to book a table for 12 at less than a week's notice.

Unfortunately, I had to cancel the booking a couple of days beforehand.

After apologising in the most grovelling terms, I tentatively enquired if I could possibly have a table for two that night instead. "No, sorry, we're full," the reply came back.

It's enough to make you want to resort to the most bottomclenchingly embarrassing sentence in the English language, namely, "Do you know who I am?" Chelsea star Jody Morris was alleged to have screamed those very words during a contretemps with bouncer Trevor Thirlwall at the private Wellington Club in Knightsbridge in January. At least Morris had a good chance of someone answering him in the affirmative. If I asked the question everyone would simply assume I was suffering from amnesia.

So, to get into The Ivy would require an assumed identity.

Knowing the restaurant's penchant for high-profile fashion designers, I called back after my spectacular snub to see if a celeb Continued on next page

JOHN GALLIANO Location:The Ivy,WC2.

Impossible demand:" Bonjour.

I am calling from John Galliano's office in Paris. Could I have a table for four tomorrow evening at 8pm?"

"That is no problem, monsieur.

But we can only do 8.30pm."

Ordinary person told:"I'm sorry, but the first available date is January 2003."

CHRISSIE HYNDE Location: Nobu restaurant, W1.

Impossible demand:"Can I book a table for six tomorrow, Friday, at 8pm?

I'm Chrissie Hynde."

"I love your music.We can move someone and get you in at 7.30."

"I can't eat anything vaguely fishy, like seaweed."

"We do lots of vegetarian things."

Ordinary person told:"No, but you could come in at 11pm."

ANGELINA JOLIE Location: Soho House, a private members' club in Soho, W1.

Impossible demand: "I work for Angelina Jolie. She'd like to bring eight friends for dinner."

"That's fine. I can give her a private room in the library next week."

Ordinary person told: "You have to be a member, I'm afraid."

Retna

KATE WINSLET Location: John Frieda salon,W1.

Impossible demand: "Hello. I was wondering if Joel, your top stylist, could blow-dry my hair at 5pm on Thursday?"

"That's absolutely fine."

"Could he come to my hotel? I'll be at the Dorchester."

" Yes, no problem."

Ordinary person told: "Joel is on holiday for the next two weeks."

Mission Pictures

ALANIS MORISSETTE Location: Sanderson Hotel,W1.

Impossible demand: "Can I book a suite for Alanis Morissette? She needs two bathrooms, and a discount."

"I can give you an apartment for pounds 1,000; it's usually pounds 2,300."

Ordinary person told: "Yes, and a reduction? How much can your parents afford for the suite? I suppose we could do it for pounds 1,300."

Idols

Copyright 2002
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