Severe shyness may be a sign of other conditions

Question: I am trying to assess my daughter's readiness for kindergarten. She is in speech therapy now and has trouble writing. But her biggest problem is a SEVERE case of shyness. She won't even look at someone when they speak to her. She would rather sit and look at the floor than have any type of attention. Please help us. How do you bring a child's severe shyness out?

--K.W., Van Alstyne, Texas

Answer: True shyness is a temperamental trait, present from early on and likely to persist. When parents can accept a child's shyness rather than try to change it, the child will usually show that she can participate in social situations in her own quiet way -- often by actively observing from the sidelines.

But if what appears to be a child's shyness leads her to shut out important events in the world around her, then she will not be able to learn from them. If this appears to be the case, it's important to find out if there is a cause other than temperament.

You are right to worry about your daughter when she won't look at someone who is speaking to her or when she seems to prefer to sit and look at the floor. Have you had her evaluated by a mental-health professional such as a psychologist or child psychiatrist who can help you and her to understand what you see as her shyness -- but which may be something else?

Shyness may certainly be present with conditions such as a delay in speech or fine-motor development. But there are other possibilities that should be checked out as well.

For example, it could be that she is so hypersensitive that human contact is overwhelming. Children who are hypersensitive to sound or sights may avoid human contact as a way to protect themselves from it. An occupational therapist who understands sensory integration disorder can help with this.Sometimes children who have trouble speaking also have difficulty using body language to express themselves. They may have trouble hearing or be unable to decipher other people's body language. Such communication impairments can make other people seem frightening and can push a child into social isolation. Delayed language development and limited social interaction can also be signs of a pervasive developmental disorder.

Any of these, or other conditions that would account for her difficulties, can be present with a fine motor or coordination problem that interferes with skills such as writing. But many of these conditions can be greatly improved -- especially with an early start. So do have her carefully evaluated.

Question: My mother and her husband died several years ago. Since then my husband and I have been raising their daughter. She is an intelligent teenager, but she has what my husband likes to call a "martyr complex." She whines and complains about even the smallest things and tries to make everything about her. She loves to overdramatize things.

Other family members and friends have commented on her behavior. At first I thought it would pass, that she was going through a difficult time after losing her parents. However, it hasn't. Now that she is about to graduate from high school, I feel I should say something. I am scared that her behavior will become a hindrance.

How should I approach this? I don't want to hurt her.

-- Name and Address Withheld

Answer: She's certainly been through a lot, and she's lucky to have you. But when a child's behavior repeatedly annoys friends and family, she's at risk of damaging important relationships. This may be a sign that she needs help.

When a child loses a parent (or, worse, both parents), no matter what the circumstances, she is bound to feel that she is responsible and will blame herself. So a "martyr complex" and "making everything about her" are to be expected.

After living through such an unthinkable catastrophe -- the loss of relationships that a child must count on unconditionally -- the world is bound to look dramatic to her. A child who has had such an experience can be expected to be waiting, always waiting, for the next horrible event to occur. Some children try to protect themselves from more surprises by always imagining the worst.

Perhaps you could talk with her about this problem, not in a critical tone but in a way that shows your concern. But don't expect that she'll be able to change this behavior simply by having it pointed out to her.

She may need psychiatric help. She certainly deserves it after what she's been through.

Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua Sparrow, care of The New York Times Syndication Sales Corp., 122 E. 42nd St., New York, NY 10168. Questions may also be sent by e-mail to: nytsyn- families@nytimes.com. Questions of general interest will be answered in this column. Drs. Brazelton and Sparrow regret that unpublished letters cannot be answered individually. Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child's health or well-being, consult your child's health-care provider.

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