Tyke's tantrums trouble Mom

Question: My daughter, 4, is very bright, but it's hard to control her mischievousness -- at home, at her grandparents' and at friends' homes.

She bites me and her 2-year-old brother, wets her pants, yells and screams at me, cries and throws tantrums. The only place that there is no complaint of her behavior is at school.

My husband works six days a week. I hope you can advise me how to handle this. --E.F., San Ramon, Calif.

Answer: It's reassuring that your 4-year-old doesn't fall apart at school, for this suggests that she has some ability to control herself when she wants to be acceptable. To understand what such behavior means in a child, it would be important to know if it is a recent change -- a regression --or if this behavior has been there all along.

The difference between her behavior at home and school makes us wonder if your daughter's "mischievousness" is a message about how she feels about life right now. It also suggests that she will be able to resolve it over time.

If biting, tantrums and pants-wetting had all been mastered before, and now have returned, something is likely to be setting them off. For example, an older child may resort to old behavior when a younger sibling has suddenly made a new gain that in some way invades the older child's territory.

Is your little boy going through a transition (such as learning to speak, or something appealing to everyone) that incites your daughter's jealousy? One child's "touchpoint" -- or new developmental achievement -- can cause the other child to slip back.

There are many other reasons why a 4-year-old might regress. She might be going through her own "touchpoint." Or there may be changes or stresses on the family that she is aware of but doesn't know how to express to you in any other way.

If a regression like this goes on for more than a few weeks, there may be a more serious stress or trauma that you and she would need professional help to identify and to deal with.

Though it's important to understand what is behind this behavior, there are some things you can do to help. Be sure you have a regular, special time for her alone, and talk about it between times. Catch her in the act of doing something right. Pick her up to hug her when she's not misbehaving. Be sure she knows your rules and expectations - - and that these are reasonable for her stage of development. Don't overload her with rules, and be consistent about the "battles" you do pick. Any 4-year-old is bound to need lots of reminders.

Remember, discipline is teaching, not punishment. She must be frightened by her own loss of control. Of course her little brother needs to be comforted when she is rough with him, but she needs comforting too. She needs to know she can be loved in spite of her behavior.

With your husband's work schedule, you may be feeling all the responsibility for child-rearing. That's hard. Maybe he could set up a time for her alone on his day off, for she must miss him. She may be testing you both to see whether you can still love her, no matter what.

Question: My grandson was born premature. Because a muscle that controls the eyes didn't develop correctly, his eyes move about without control. Eye specialists have said the condition cannot be corrected.

A teenager now, he seems to be more conscious of this condition. I can see this is hurting him. What can I do to help? -- No Name, Houston

Answer: It is so difficult for a teenager to be saddled with such an obvious disability, one that affects his appearance when he and his peers are all so conscious of how they look. But there are things you and the rest of his family can do to help him handle the hurt.

He deserves a lot of praise for the strengths he has built up to live with this, and recognition for how great he is to be coping with it so well. Be sure to give him both.

He's bound to take to heart the comments that others make about him. Let him tell you what he thinks his peers think. Then help him put their perceptions into perspective. Ask him, "Do you think they really know what is wrong with your eyes? Why do you think they would make such a big deal of it when you're the one who has to live with it?"

Little by little he may be able to understand that many reactions he hears come from fear and ignorance. As he learns to discount and put aside the wrongheaded ideas others have about him, and to rely with greater certainty on his own understandings about himself, he won't have to be so vulnerable.

Still, his disability is a tough one to live with. Let him tell you just how hard it is when he needs to, and don't try to smooth it over. Knowing that you are willing to listen will help him shift his focus, when he is ready, to the strengths within himself that he can rely on to compensate.

Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua Sparrow, care of The New York Times Syndication Sales Corp., 122 E. 42nd St., New York, N.Y. 10168. Questions may also be sent by e-mail to: nytsyn- families@nytimes.com. Questions of general interest will be answered in this column. Drs. Brazelton and Sparrow regret that unpublished letters cannot be answered individually. Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child's health or well-being, consult your child's health-care provider. Distributed to New York Times Syndicate

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