Let's stop this idiocy at the airports

A FORTNIGHT ago, prompted by a news report about a man in the States who managed to sneak onto a flight with (if memory serves) a bag full of knives, a howitzer and a combine harvester, I put in a request on behalf of this newspaper to Heathrow airport's press office.

I asked to spend a day on the baggage-scanning front line to see just how hard is the job of staring at x-ray screens all day, and what kind of success they were having.

A rude, bored-sounding girl tried to get rid of me by saying she'd call back, but omitted to ask for my name or phone number. Even though I managed to press these details on her, needless to say, there hasn't been a word since.

There's every sign that the world's airports are about as geared up for handling the current crisis as al Qaeda is for catering at a barmitzvah for 200 couples. Every day there are reports of further inefficiency and idiocy.

Checkers in the US are reportedly missing one in five "obvious" bombs and guns sent in tests through handluggage screening machines. A friend who went through JFK two weeks after 11 September said the zoned-out young checkers were virtually strip-searching parties of innocent old ladies, while bidding lone, twitchy, Middle Eastern looking males (like me, come to think of it) a nice day.

The only thing they seem alive to over there is our old friend, inappropriate language, to wit poor Mr Loveland Adjei of Borehamwood who has just spent a month in the notorious Rikers Island prison for joking to a flight attendant that he didn't have a bomb in his jacket. (Like hijackers routinely try that old chestnut.) And we're no brighter here. At the weekend a Daily Mail reporter divested by security of a few manicure items was able to replace them a few minutes later at the airport shops.

Meanwhile, experts advising the US government on their task of making all baggage checkers Federal employees, have come up with an unusually sensible idea.

They suggest that older widows and young men who enjoy building model aircraft - that's to say, people who don't easily get bored - would make the ideal security screeners.

I'm not so sure about the modelmakers, although aircraft spotters might be excellent if they weren't all on holiday in Greece at the minute.

Old biddies, however, now that's thinking. Biddy-power is a criminally underrated resource. While the young manifestly can't tell an obvious wrong'un from a Pringle, a Biddy may not quite get everything, but she can instinctively spot details that don't add up.

"So where are you flying to today, dearie?"

"To New York City, infidel hag. Er. I'm Yankee Doodle Dandy. Hooray for George stinking Bush."

"What? America at this time of year with just a couple of short- sleeved shirts? You'll catch your death, you will. Does your mum know you've come out dressed like this? Now why don't you just step this way."

Copyright 2001
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