Men: what women really want from you

Is it your looks? Your easy charm? Your sensitivity, or your wallet?

Even after 30 years of women's lib, it's more basic than that, says Oliver James

WHAT do women want? If the scientific evidence is to be believed, it's George Clooney and Russell Crowe (or even the mature charms of Sean Connery or Tom Jones), not Nick Hornby or Adrian Mole.

One survey of 10,000 people in 33 countries found that, whether in the deserts or the mountains, urban or rural, women are looking for dominance (but not aggression), ambition, industriousness and (any or all) power, status and wealth.

On average, they prefer their man to be 3.42 years older than them.

Women place less emphasis on looks and sex itself, than men - how else could you explain the attraction for 18-year-olds of Michael Winner or Peter Stringfellow?

Women start having sex later, have fewer partners and are a lot less focused on intercourse as the goal. They are far more turned on by romance.

Of course, there are signs that some of these patterns are changing. In developed nations, where the sexes are generally becoming more similar - more equal earnings, comparable amounts of boozing and smoking - the age gap between men and women when they marry is reducing, although it is still two years.

Now there is far greater variety in what women fancy, or at least, in what fantasies they enact. The relaxation of the social pressure to lust after a one-size-fits-all male means women who like a younger man or who want to wear the trousers can go out and find what they want without risk of stigma.

Young women today have far more sex than their mothers did. According to the latest national sex survey, more than a fifth of 25 to 34-year-old British women have already had 10 or more sexual partners. This attitude to sex does not last, however. From the early twenties onwards, girls still tend to get picky.

This is but one of a number of enduring verities. Women are still far less keen than men on casual sex with strangers. One study showed that, when approached by an attractive stranger of the opposite sex asking: "Would you have sex with me tonight?", 75 per cent of men said yes, whereas none of the women did. Women prefer the idea of being adored to the grisly physical details and multiple partners that populate male fantasies. Although it pains me to say so, the fact that women are still drawn to the stereotypically Manly Male, despite 30 years of sexual liberation, fits with the theories of what are known as evolutionary psychologists.

According to them, almost everything we do is reducible to the way we carried on in the primordial swamp millions of years ago. What with all the sabre-toothed tigers, say the evolutionists, it would have made a lot of sense for women to go for a dominant, successful man. He could gather the grub and ward off predators while she safely looked after the babies.

In accord with this is the uncomfortable fact that even successful women still prefer the assurance of an older man who is superior in status. If women's lib was right, these women should be behaving like men do: seeking out younger, better-looking, lower-status models.

Also supporting evolutionists, women are still far more concerned about emotional commitment. Whereas men go bonkers at the idea of another man in bed with their woman, women are more upset by the idea of their man feeling love for another.

This fits with the idea that the child-bearer is looking for support, not sex, once the reproduction bit is done. It suggests that the hoary old maxim - "men use love to get sex, women use sex to get love" - still applies.

Compared with men, women

Fancy and marry partners who are older than them.

Place a higher value on the wealth and status of potential mates - even if they are themselves of high status and wealth.

Are more influenced by negative information about a potential mate if warned off by a chum Place less emphasis on sexual intercourse as a goal, are more faithful and have fewer partners overall.

Fantasise less about sex, are less sexually explicit in the fantasies, focus more on the build-up than the climax, focus more on the emotions and settings of the fantasies, are more likely to ascribe the fantasy partners a profession and personality and are more likely to base the fantasy on their imagination than on real people or situations.

Are more jealous of emotional, rather than sexual, infidelity.

If you haven't got it, read on - the expert way to make yourself irresistible

Impressive dressing

_If you don't have a good figure, a good suit can hide everything. Many British men have short legs; what you don't need as well is a short jacket. A jacket has to be long enough to hide your backside, and nothing's worse than a jacket that's too tight across the bottom.

_Avoid too-tight trousers, too much aftershave or a badly fitting suit.

_Don't wear a grey suit with dark grey shirt and matching tie or you'll look like a movie extra.

_A black polo neck and trousers makes most men look amazing.

_Get your colours right.

Men often appear colour-blind when it comes to clothes, but once you work out what suits you, even the cheapest clothes will look good.

_Don't wear brightly coloured trainers unless you're very young and hip.

The new grey-and-black Puma trainer is almost the only one that looks good on older men.

_With jeans, the main crime is to wear them too tight. They'll make you look thinner if they're on the loose side.

_It's hard to go wrong with a plain white T-shirt. If you've got rolls of fat, just

wear a thin jumper over it to hide them.

- TV style therapists Trinny Woodall and Susannah Constantine. Their show, What Not To Wear, is on Thursdays at 8.30pm on BBC2 Head start "Three very different looks are sexy right now: the messy beachcomber look, the British rock-band look (unkempt and shaggy) and the number one haircut."

- Joel Goncalves, UK creative director for John Frieda Why bald can be sexy "Men worry endlessly about losing their hair, but women aren't really that bothered about it. And it's all because of a surplus of testosterone, anyway, so bald men are often sexy per se. Numerous sexy and famous men are bald, nearly bald or affect baldness: David Beckham, John Malkovich and pop star Moby. So, if you're losing your hair, the only question is how to manage it. Receding hair should be kept short, and if you're really going bald, ask for a number one crop."

- Enzo Volpe, artistic director for Michaeljohn Stand tall, whatever your height "There's nothing more sexy that someone who's confident and comfortable with their body - and posture reflects this.

If you're depressed, you stoop, which is not an attractive sight. If you think small, you'll look small. But if you stand up tall, your tummy comes in, and you look better.

Exercise is important because if you feel you look good, you'll be confident, and that will come across."

- Lynne Robinson, Pilates guru to the England cricket squad Tell yourself you're fabulous "Keep giving yourself positive thoughts, because the subconscious mind always defaults to negatives. Say to yourself, repeatedly, 'I'm sexy, I'm irresistible, I'm attractive and altogether magnificent, I am so damn sexy I could eat myself,' until you can feel it beginning to resonate within yourself.

It's like being a Method actor. You have to really inhabit this role. Do this for

three weeks, every day, and it will become reinforced.

Developing personal presence is the key to being sexy, and personal presence arises when you're in command of yourself."

- The Barefoot Doctor

Sound interested "The most sexy thing you can do is to be genuinely interested in a woman and give her the whole of your attention. If you are doing that, then your voice and

eyes will reflect how you feel. You can tell when someone's asking you a real question, rather than just making conversation.

Any voice can be sexy, as long as it's genuine."

- dialect coach Judith Windsor

The 20-second seduction "The eyes are very important in expressing sexiness.

It's not something you can do without eye contact. So when you're with someone, look them in the eyes for at least 10 seconds continuously - and remember that if you can look a woman in the eyes for 20 seconds, you will have seduced her."

- The Barefoot Doctor

Pick up the signals of flirting "There's a good chance she's keen on you if she's doing two or more of the following: accidentally brushing up against you, nodding her head while looking in your direction, smiling broadly at you, throwing a short, darting glance in your direction, batting her eyelashes and looking up and sideways, beckoning with her head or tilting it sideways, playing with her jewellery."

- Peta Heskell, from her book, Flirt Coach (Thorsons, 7.99)

Use body language "Don't be too forward, but look for any positive signals you may be getting from a woman's body language. Or test the water with your own body language. Lean in close to

speak, perhaps touch her hand to emphasise a point.

The most seductive thing a man can do is ask questions and listen with interest.

Because men feel they need to impress, they sometimes just talk and talk.

It just doesn't work for women."

- Susan Quilliam, relationship psychologist

Drop the peanut trick "Drop the boastful bodylanguage - chucking peanuts in the air and catching them

in your mouth, for example, and any kind of showing off.

Women are hugely underwhelmed by all that."

- Judi James, body language expert

Send the right vibes "There's an art to looking appreciatively at women. It's fun. It's normal. Don't repress sexy thoughts, or you won't generate sexual energy. If you're afraid to feel sexy about women, you won't send out the right vibes and they'll think you're best-friend material."

- Peta Heskell, sex coach

Be passionate it's sexy

"IT'S very sexy to be passionate about things football, food, the war in Afghanistan. If someone is passionate, they're very exciting to be around.

Neil Kinnock has sex appeal, because he projected passion about politics and seemed to absolutely believe in what he was saying. Tony Blair is polished, but polish isn't sexy. Truly attractive people have energy and enthusiasm, and presence.

They're the kind of people you want to be around - and there's an authenticity about them."

- Jo Ellen Grzyb, director of personal development company The Impact Factory

In a suit you can't fail "THE great thing about a suit is it makes you feel sharp and ready for work. It's a one-stop, instant fix of all the elements you need businesslike, stylish and easy to deal with. Trying to look like a 24-year-old skateboarder is not staying abreast of fashion. Follow your own look and alter the details to fit the trends."

- Dylan Jones, editor, GQ "A suit should emphasise your good bits and hide your bad bits. The English suit, singlebreasted and waisted, is the most flattering."

- Richard James, Savile Row tailor

Are muscles worth it?

"WOMEN tend not to fancy skinny guys so it is worth building yourself up.

And remember to work on all of your body. Men tend to work on their arms and chest -- but what women really dislike is skinny legs. Women love a manly chest, strong shoulders and a firm bottom. Men often want a six-pack stomach and anyone can get one with persistence and a low-fat diet. Before you spend your life at the gym, remember that women are attracted to power and money - so biceps won't impress as much as a Lamborghini."

- Tim Bean, Total Physique Management

Be passionate it's sexy

"IT'S very sexy to be passionate about things football, food, the war in Afghanistan. If someone is passionate, they're very exciting to be around.

Neil Kinnock has sex appeal, because he projected passion about politics and seemed to absolutely believe in what he was saying. Tony Blair is polished, but polish isn't sexy. Truly attractive people have energy and enthusiasm, and presence.

They're the kind of people you want to be around - and there's an authenticity about them."

- Jo Ellen Grzyb, director of personal development company The Impact Factory

Copyright 2001
Provided by ProQuest Information and Learning Company. All rights Reserved.