SARAH AFTERMATH: THE GRANDPARENTS' GRIEF: We look over at the field

THE pain is etched deep on the faces of Sarah Payne's grandparents Terry and Lesley Payne as they explain why they want to sell their home.

The pounds 350,000 bungalow in Kingston Gorse, West Sussex, backs on to the field where Sarah was playing moments before she was snatched and is a constant reminder of her death.

Devastated Terry says: "Each morning when I get up and go into the kitchen to make a cup of tea I look out of the window at the view. I used to think it was stunning, but that ended with Sarah's death.

"I can't look at that field now without feeling empty. It reminds me of what might have been if that man had not driven past."

Terry, 58, a retired retail buyer, spends hours gazing at the spot where Sarah disappeared.

She had been playing with her sister and two brothers but ran off after falling down.

In just a split second, Roy Whiting, 42, a convicted paedophile, pounced and drove Sarah off in his white van.

Terry added: "I think about that moment all the time, about her fear. It's very destructive, but you can't stop the pain.

"I try not to dwell on what happened in the van. It would destroy me.

"I have not been in very good health. The stress and pain eats you up. I have terrible days, dark days when there seems no way forward.

"One way of putting the past behind us would be to sell the house.

"We put every penny we had into buying it when I retired. It was our dream house.

"But can we continue living here? I really don't know. Sometimes I feel we need to start over again. Start afresh somewhere else.

"Then sometimes I also feel that if we moved I would be walking away from Sarah.

"I always feel close to her at the house, like she is very near to me. I find that comforting. I suppose I don't want to leave Sarah.

"The last 17 months have been a nightmare. Sometimes I think it's happened to somebody else's family, God help them.

"But then, at any time during the day, it hits me and the terrible depression starts."

As she tries to comfort him, Lesley, 46, says: "You think about ifs and buts all the time. And you blame yourself all the time.

"It's impossible not to feel guilt. We've gone over the events of that day and yes, there has been times when we've felt guilty.

"You think to yourself 'Could I have done anything more?' It goes around in your mind.

"Sarah was a beautiful child. She had a life to look forward to. Now that is gone. Her death has taken a huge toll on our family. It is beyond words.

"I don't really know how we are coping. And I don't know about the lasting damage. Whiting murdered Sarah - but he also destroyed the people who loved her.

"Nobody should go through what Sarah and Michael have had to endure. Nobody. But they are still here, and they have the other children so they have to be strong."

Terry, who is Michael's father, added: "I want the government to act to stop this happening again. I know it is impossible to legislate for everything. But since Whiting was convicted I feel more strongly than ever that something has to be done.

"We have hundreds of convicted sex offenders in Sussex and nobody knows where they are. Every parent has the right to know if a paedophile is living next door or in the neighbourhood."

Terry and Lesley keep a poignant shrine to Sarah in the sitting room where she used to play. It is covered in pictures of her, framed by cut-outs of pink roses. Terry said: "We look at it all the time. I don't know whether we will ever put it away. It is our link to Sarah. I suppose we will have to move on to survive. But at the moment I can't think more than a few minutes ahead."

Lesley, who still works three days a week at a local off-licence, added: "The court case is over. We got justice. Sarah got justice. But we can't move on. It's impossible.

"You divide your life into before the murder and after. Before July 1 last year, we were a normal family with all the usual petty problems. Now we have this burden and we have to live with it for the rest of our lives."

Copyright 2001 MGN LTD
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