Do-not-call list: Now this calls for re-election

SO HOW LONG did you wait before you called the new national do- not-call registry?

Five seconds? Six?

Or do you like getting calls from perfect strangers who want to sell you a windshield? My favorite: How about a free insurance quote in the middle of your shower?

In case you missed the front-page news, the Federal Trade Commission created the registry to stop telemarketing calls to your house. This sounded too good to be true -- what was the catch? -- but then President Bush himself stepped up and touted the free do-not- call registry.

Talk about your important, ground-breaking legislation. Iraqis are attacking coalition forces, the economy stinks, Israelis and Palestinians aren't playing well together, and yet President Bush took time to talk about the registry at a White House press conference. That's how vital the do-not-call registry is to America's sanity.

"We are announcing new measures by the federal government that will help Americans protect their private time or family time by blocking unwanted phone calls from telemarketers," said the president.

Just for that he gets to be president for two terms.

"Unwanted telemarketing calls are intrusive, they are annoying, and they're all too common," the president continued.

Make that three.

According to the people who keep track of such things, about 104 million calls and faxes are made daily to consumers and businesses -- about the same as the average teenage girl.

My philosophy on telemarketing: If I wanted to buy something, I would go to a store. The reason I'm home when a telemarketer calls is because I don't want to buy something.

I was so excited that I called the registry as soon as I heard about it -- that number again, 888-382-1222 (act now and you'll receive a free weekend stay in Vegas if you attend a free, no- obligation time-share presentation). All you have to do is make a phone call or visit a Web site (donotcall.gov) -- operators are standing by now), and telemarketers must remove your phone number from their list.

I would've donated a major organ to stop the telemarketing madness, but all they want is a phone call.

If telemarketers call you anyway, you can collect $500. The second best part: Telemarketers have to pay for the whole thing! Not only is it against the law for telemarketers to call anyone on the do-not- call list, they have to pay a substantial fee to get a look at the list.

This seems like fitting revenge for interrupting dinner or causing people to sprint from one end of the house to the other just so they can hear, "Hello, this is Debra from Billy Bob's Carpet Cleaning, and we're offering a special in your area."

So I called the registry. It took 93 seconds from the time I dialed the number until I hung up. It was easier than hanging up on a telemarketer and a lot less inconvenient. I dialed the number, pressed 1 for the English version, listened to a brief advertisement from the FTC -- "The national do-not-call registry is brought to you by the Federal Trade Commission" -- punched in my phone number as requested, and was told: "Due to unusually heavy demand, your number will be registered in the next 24 hours."

I could have predicted the heavy volume. This is going to be a hit. If they ever decide to go public, I'm in for a thousand shares Not surprisingly, exactly nobody opposed the do-not-call registry except the telemarketing companies who say the registry will devastate their business and put a lot of telemarketers out of work.

I've heard worse news.

Doug Robinson column runs Tuesday. Please send e-mail to drob@desnews.com.

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