Relationship with stepchild challenging, not impossible

Being a stepparent is almost never easy, but it can certainly be rewarding. It takes time to build a solid relationship with a stepchild, and no adult should expect quick acceptance or gratefulness from a stepchild.

Though a child always yearns to replace the absent parent, a stepparent needs to realize that he or she can never be a replacement -- and that shouldn't be the goal.

Perhaps the most important thing a stepparent can offer a child is a sense of security. Knowing that a stepparent loves the child and won't leave him becomes an important boost to the child's future self- image.

A stepparent reassures a child by loving him and his parent openly and confidently. Little by little, a new stepparent can help a child feel more secure by offering reassurance against loss.

Though a stepparent may do best to leave discipline to the parent - - especially in the case of older children -- it is also reassuring to a child to have a stepparent consistently support such discipline. A stepparent can also relieve the child of some of the responsibility of nurturing his parent, who may still be recovering from the loss of the earlier marriage.

Even under the best of circumstances, a child can be expected to test the limits of the new relationship. "Will he or she like me if I'm bad?" is a constant and recurrent theme.

Regressions and misbehavior become opportunities for the stepparent to cement a relationship with the child and to establish ground rules. When a child goes into a meltdown, the old hurt and angry feelings will almost certainly be turned into an attack against the most recent addition to the household: "You're not my real daddy! My mommy makes decisions for me, not you!"

When this happens, the stepparent can calmly say, "That's right. But sometimes I need to help your mommy and to be there for you. You and I both know you've gone too far."

Stepparenting can be even more challenging when children from two families are brought together.

Both sets of kids will have unresolved concerns. They will all need to test the strengths of the new arrangement. One thing is certain: Any upset will be magnified.

If the children don't live together, the resident children are bound to demonstrate their control. The visiting children may need to show off or to test the old and the new parent for security and discipline.

The danger is to let this natural competition lead to destructive scapegoating of one family or one family member.

Members of blended families need each other. The children will never be close in the way that siblings can be, because they aren't siblings. But they can form new and different relationships. They can become solid friends and depend on one another.

The children's ability to get along will depend on where they are in their adjustment to their parents' divorce. They may be feeling conflicted, caught between feelings of loyalty to both parents. This will be easier for them to handle if the new marriage is solid.

It's important for the parent and stepparent to present a unified front at times of conflict. If each parent backs up the other, the children will eventually model their behavior on the solidarity they see, even if at first they test it and try to undermine it.

It's equally important for ex-spouses to move past their own anger and support each other. This is asking a lot of parents who are mourning the loss of their earlier relationship and may be anxious about the future. But it is the best way to help a child feel secure in two families.

It's common for a child to see his own "badness" as the cause of the divorce. Children need repeated reassurance that it was the parents who did not get along and that each parent will always be a "real" parent who will be present in the child's life.

Getting to know and to depend on the stepfamily is an essential process for a child of divorce. The inevitable stresses can serve as opportunities to learn more about one another and to share one another's pain and joy.

At critical times -- birthdays, holidays and disciplinary crises - - the step relationship will be questioned: "When is my REAL father coming?" "My real mom would let me do that."

A stepparent who learns not to take such statements personally can use them to reassure the child: "I'm not going to turn my back on you for that. You and I know you need discipline sometimes. I am part of your REAL family."

It's important for the stepparent to tell the child over and over again that he is not a replacement, that he could never take the place of the parent who isn't there. Instead, the child can be helped to understand that the stepparent is there because he (or she) loves the child's parent and wants to be there for him, too.

Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua Sparrow, care of The New York Times Syndication Sales Corp., 122 E. 42nd St., New York, N.Y. 10168. Questions may also be sent by e-mail to: nytsyn- families@nytimes.com. Questions of general interest will be answered in this column. Drs. Brazelton and Sparrow regret that unpublished letters cannot be answered individually. Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child's health or well-being, consult your child's health-care provider.

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