Children don't understand that dreams are not real

Adapted from "Sleep: The Brazelton Way." Reprinted by arrangement with DaCapo Press. All rights reserved.

All children have nightmares at one time or another. They may wake a child up, make him cry out or even send him running to his parents' room. While scary dreams are always upsetting, they are most unsettling for children under age 6.

A 2- or 3-year-old can't really understand what a dream is -- or that it isn't real. So how can he be sure his nightmare won't really happen?

By the time he is 4 or 5, a child begins to understand that a dream isn't real. But his understanding is still shaky. Besides, children this age still need to believe in the positive side of their "good" dreams, so they can't yet be expected to give up their belief in the "bad" ones.

Even once children understand that nightmares aren't real, they still must face the frightened feelings a nightmare stirs up.

Nightmares leave a child dreading to go back to sleep. Sometimes, he will be unable to remember the dream, but he can surely remember how he felt about it. If the bad dreams recur often, he may build up a fear of going to bed.

To help avoid this, parents need to offer comfort and understanding to a child who wakes up from a bad dream.

Knowing some of the things that trigger nightmares can help. Sometimes they occur when a sleeping child is uncomfortable: a numb arm that has "fallen asleep," a full bladder or cold feet when a blanket slips off the bed. The annoying physical feeling seems to show up in the nightmare as part of the scary story that pushes a child to wake up to take care of the problem.

Nightmares are most likely to occur when a child is going through a stressful period -- such as the arrival of a new baby or a recent traumatic experience.

If the stress is obvious, it's easy to reassure the child: "Of course you're worried at night. You've been worried in the daytime ever since that dog chased you. I'm going to sing an extra song, and we can talk it over tonight. If you need me, I'll come to you when you cry out."

There are special stages in a child's development when nightmares are common.

At 2 or 3, children may have nightmares about losing their way or being in danger without parents around to help. Though the "monsters" seem to be the problem, separation is the issue.

The normal, healthy struggles of 4- to 6-year-olds as they try to handle their new, aggressive feelings are often accompanied by nightmares and fears. New daytime fears (about bees or loud noises, for example) carry over into the night as unpredictable nightmares.

A 4-year-old is likely to beg parents to look in the closet or under the bed for a monster or witch. At this age, monsters and witches can represent the new feelings within himself that scare him - - feelings of aggression or of losing control.

Parents need to be understanding as a child faces these feelings and learns to manage them. Here are some tips that can help with nightmares:

At bedtime

-- Sit down with the child to talk about his worries. But stop if this talk seems to upset him. For some children, talk about worries should be reserved for an earlier time of day.

-- Accept a child's nighttime fearfulness and his need to hold on to you. But give him a clear signal -- "five more minutes" -- and stick to it.

-- Remind him of all the ways he can reassure himself -- perhaps by singing songs to himself or thinking about the fun things he did that day.

-- Let him use a night-light.

-- Encourage him to use a "lovey" (such as a teddy bear or favorite blanket) as company and as a way to ward off fears.

-- Read bedtime stories that will help him understand his fears and feelings -- indirectly. Two to try: Mercer Mayer's "There's a Nightmare in My Closet" and Maurice Sendak's "Where the Wild Things Are."

-- If he comes to your bed after a nightmare, allow him to cuddle until he is comforted. Then bring him back to his room. Sit beside his bed briefly to help him make the transition.

During the day

-- Help your child check under the bed and in the closet for ghosts and monsters, so he can reassure himself that there's nothing there.

-- Offer simple, clear information about the events in his life that may be upsetting to him: a move, a divorce, a death. Watch his face and body language to know when you've given him more information than he needs.

-- Let up on pressure when possible. Nightmares may be a child's way of saying that he's not ready for the next step you're urging him to take.

-- Monitor television shows, movies and video games. These may be violent and frightening, or they may depict adult issues that are too much for him to handle.

Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua Sparrow, care of The New York Times Syndication Sales Corp., 122 E. 42nd St., New York, N.Y. 10168. Questions may also be sent by e-mail to: nytsyn- families@nytimes.com. Questions of general interest will be answered in this column. Drs. Brazelton and Sparrow regret that unpublished letters cannot be answered individually. Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child's health or well-being, consult your child's health-care provider. Distributed by New York Times Syndicate

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