Marriage enrichment training helps soldiers, spouses

The couple sat facing, staring into each other's eyes, a square yellow card held by the husband. He was explaining his point of view while she strained not to interject and didn't succeed. He tapped her gently on the nose with the card. Then they burst out laughing at their difficulty in trying to communicate in this fashion.

Obviously, this structured method of discussion was not what they were accustomed to.

This speaker-listener exercise was part of the 70th Regional Readiness Command's Marriage Enrichment Training (MET) held in Portland, Ore., the weekend of Sept. 24-26. The course, which is based on the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP), is a part of the Concept Plan for Soldiers being demobilized. It is a high priority for Soldiers and their spouses in hopes of "assisting them with reintegration, reunion, and communication which will help them more effectively deal with issues," according to a recent 70th RRC memorandum of instruction.

"I believe our MET training is an outstanding opportunity for couples to reintegrate and reform their marriage commitment and skills after a long deployment. The Army Reserve is dedicating large resources to provide a wonderful weekend retreat," said Chaplain (COL) Berris Samples, command chaplain, 70th RRC.

"Very few couples have ever received marriage enrichment and communication skills education and our PREP program is the best in the country. My goal is for every eligible couple in the 70th to receive benefit from this," Samples added.

All demobilized Soldiers are eligible to attend the course which is paid for by the Army. A similar course elsewhere would cost a minimum of $500. A MET is scheduled once a month within the 70th Regional Readiness Command three-state area.

Eleven couples attended this MET, ranging from engaged couples, to recently married couples, those who had been married for some time and one couple who had been married 35 years.

All of the Soldiers attending had recently returned from tours in Iraq with the 671st Engineer Company of Portland, Ore., and one from A Co., 5th Battalion, 159th Aviation Regiment, Fort Lewis, Wash.

One of the three engaged couples that attended, Catherine Carnochan and Greg Edwards, have been engaged for a little over a year. They both felt that what they had learned would help them in their upcoming marriage.

"I was skeptical, at first," Edwards said. "I knew it was something I should do, but that I really don't want to do; but now I've come and it has a lot of value I didn't expect."

How well it will work, according to Carnochan, will "depend on the couple, how much they are willing to work. People who come to the course can take this and use it to their advantage to build a strong relationship."

Sam and Lori Caraballo were recently married, after the 671st returned from the desert.

"I am grateful that I came and can see that other couples have the same communication problems. Some days I feel that we are the only couple that fights the way we do ... that we are abnormal," Sam said.

"We're still getting to know each other," Lori said. "His going to Iraq forced us to communicate in a different way to resolve issues. Now that we're face-to-face again, what we had become accustomed to has turned 180 degrees!"

"This is definitely a beginning," Sam said. "If we take two out of six lessons and apply them in the next three fights, it will make a huge improvement."

"This will force us to drop our weapons," Lori said, "and get to the heart of the other person."

Brenda and Richard Karr have been married 8 years and have "three kids and a dog," according to Richard.

He found the training informative and fun and it facilited good communication skills. It also had the plus of leaving the kids with his mother-in-law and having a weekend away with his wife.

Brenda has a master's degree in counseling and psychology, and already knew some of the PREP principles.

About the course, Richard said that there's always something more to learn--a catch phrase printed on the cover of the PREP workbook.

But in reality, this very together couple still wanted to work on some issues.

"She's always paid the bills," Richard said. "When she messes up, all I can do is 'yell.' I want to help; I want a more proactive role."

"I had to stop making assumptions (in the speaker-listener exercise) and listen to what he's saying," said Brenda.

Jim and Rosalyn Fleming have been married 35 years. Their kids are grown and on their own. It's just the two of them at home.

When asked if after 35 years of marriage there was anything left to learn from such a course, Jim said that it was very enlightening and that they will take the information and use it to their advantage to build a stronger relationship.

"You think you've got it all down," Rosalyn said. "You don't argue, you don't fight, you do everything together, but you don't talk. You do everything for others, but you need to take time for each other.

"Since Jim came back from Iraq, I've decided we're going to spend one weekend a month doing something together, whether walking on the beach holding hands or talking. It's a commitment because if you're home, you're distracted by all the things you think you should be doing. Here at MET, that can't happen. It's like it was for us 37 years ago (when they were dating).

"Friendship," she said. "It all comes back to the need to keep the friendship and the friend together. We don't take the time to just talk--don't look at each other and talk without talking about work, the house, kids, cats and it's just the two of us! It's kind of scary! We found we had to take off our glasses to better see each other because you can't see each other close up with bifocals!"

The parting wisdom for the couples from MET is that you can't 'have it all,' but you can choose to cherish and nurture what you want most in your marriage. It's your choice how much you will put into your relationship.

Pam Garrison

70th Regional Readiness Command

Eric J. Hurwitz

94th RRC Public Affairs Office

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