Separation anxiety worries parents of 6-year-old girl

Question: Our 6-year-old daughter has always stayed at home with either me or her grandparents. Last fall she began her first school experience: kindergarten.

A couple of months before school started, she began to exhibit separation anxiety. She wouldn't go into her tumbling class (which she had been attending since age 2) even though my husband or I would be visible the entire time. She would cry and sometimes vomit to avoid going to class. Eventually, she would make up her mind to go in, but by then the class was half over.

Once school started, she began vomiting and crying every morning. This lasted through Christmas. After the holidays she was fine, but she started again toward the end of school.

How do we instill confidence in her? I sometimes feel she is exhibiting this behavior for my benefit, as she has entered her classes with a friend with no problem. -- C.C., via e-mail

Answer: Good for you for recognizing how much it costs her to separate and to face a new, demanding situation. (The end of the school year is also stressful for many children, because they must separate from teachers and friends and they sense that change is coming without knowing for sure what will happen next.)

But you are also right to wonder if your daughter has become tuned in to your concern about this behavior. Sometimes a vicious cycle gets set up. Parents worry about a child who won't separate. The child knows her parents are worried, but isn't sure why, and thinks that separation to go to school really is something to worry about if her parents seem worried.

You may need to go out of your way to show her that you are confident that she will be well cared for at school. Your idea about having a friend walk into class with her is a wonderful one, and I'm sure it will help her again this fall.

If she has more trouble separating from you than from your husband, it may be easier for her to say goodbye to you at home and to have him or someone else who can be trusted bring her to school. Discuss your concerns with her teacher, who may need to make a special effort to reach out to her when she arrives at school each day.

You can boost her self-confidence by praising her for the things she does well. Talk to her about going to class, telling her: "I know you can do this, and I'll be so proud of you when you do."

Question: My husband and I are the proud grandparents of a lovely, intelligent 7-year-old girl, Shelby. We have had a warm, loving relationship with her from the day she was born.

Shelby has been a frequent visitor to our home, occasionally staying overnight. We live in an adult community, and there are no children for her to be with when she is here. But we play with her and entertain her and she seems content.

For the past year or so, she adamantly refuses to stay with us overnight -- though she comes here often and stays alone with us when her parents leave.

It seems to stem from two isolated incidents of bedwetting when she slept here. She woke me in the middle of the night, saying "I accidentally wet my bed." I thought I handled it well. I calmly changed the linens and assured her that it was nothing for her to be concerned about. She went back to sleep both times and was fine the next day. However, since the second time, she refuses to stay the night.

Our daughter has discussed this with her pediatrician, who advises her to leave it alone and that sooner of later Shelby will come around. It's already "later," and we'd appreciate it if you could help us solve this problem. --E.P., Boynton Beach, Fla.

Answer: Though you haven't told us what you did after the second bout of bedwetting, it does sound as if you and your daughter have handled the "accidents" wisely. The less attention paid to them, the better.

Perhaps you now are second-guessing yourself, wondering if you should have responded differently. Don't do this -- and try not to feel that you must get your granddaughter to stay overnight again in order to be able to put this behind you.

Perhaps you and your husband also feel that you haven't done enough to keep your granddaughter happy about visiting you -- hence the "accidents." It's possible, though, that she is just saying that staying overnight is too much for her -- for a reason we don't understand. So try not to take it personally.

Plan to have her over for daytime visits. Tell her: "The main thing is that we want to be with you." Ask her to help you plan a visit that would be fun for her and for you.

The most important thing is for you as grandparents to continue to feel close to her and for her to feel close to you. The bedwetting shouldn't interfere with that important relationship.

Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua Sparrow, care of The New York Times Syndication Sales Corp., 122 E. 42nd St., New York, NY 10168. Questions may also be sent by e-mail to: nytsyn- families@nytimes.com. Questions of general interest will be answered in this column. Drs. Brazelton and Sparrow regret that unpublished letters cannot be answered individually.

Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child's health or well- being, consult your child's health-care provider.

Brazelton heads the Brazelton Foundation, which encourages and supports education and training programs that implement preventive health-care practices for children and families. For more information, visit www.brazeltonfoundation.org.

Sparrow, a child psychiatrist, is co-author of "Touchpoints Three to Six," and associate director of the Brazelton Touchpoints Center. Learn more about the Center at www.touchpoints.org.

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