Fathers keep mum about the birds and the bees

MOTHER still knows best when it comes to that moment when a child needs to talk about the facts of life, a new report shows today.

Fathers admit they take a back seat when tackling the tricky subject of sex.

There is no such reticence on the part of British youngsters, however, who get their questions in before parents decide the time is right.

Six out of 10 children between the ages of 10 and 15 turn to their mother rather than their father with sensitive questions about sex and puberty, according to the report by Norwich Union Healthcare.

Girls have always done so traditionally, but twice as many adolescent boys prefer to approach their mother than their father.

The study, entitled Talking Puberty, says nearly half of youngsters bring the topic up before their parents decide it's time to talk. It also shows that sex, followed by death and drugs still tops the list of things parents find most difficult to discuss with their children.

Nine out of 10 adolescents have had sex education at school, but according to the report, a quarter admit they still do not know enough about puberty.

Leading psychologist Dr Aric Sigman advises that parents should work as a team when it comes to tackling the delicate subject. He says fathers may feel more comfortable providing the facts and general information in a discussion while the mother may provide the emotional and social context. "The research shows there is certainly a will but not always a way to discuss sensitive topics such as sex and puberty," he added. "Mothers are far more proactive at seeking out a time to talk and making themselves available for questions, and are generally better at reading a child's emotions. But fathers still seem to be in the dark.

"The average age at which children reach puberty is falling, particularly among girls. Recent statistics released by the Government show that in the past three years more than 400 girls under 14 conceived - so it is critical that parents take an active role in educating their children about puberty and life changes."

A total of 252 children aged 10 to 15 were questioned for the survey, together with 244 parents.

Thirtyeight per cent of the fathers admitted they had never discussed sex and puberty with their children, and three quarters of parents assumed their children would find out about puberty at school.

Nine out of 10 children thought their parents were good role models and 92 per cent believed they explained puberty well. Almost two thirds of parents described their family as open and communicative and nearly half the children agreed.

Norwich Union Healthcare communications manager Nicole Hockley said: "Our research shows families are more open and honest than ever before but parents still need help and guidance in broaching sensitive topics."

How to talk about it

IT COMES as no surprise to psychologists that men are not as good as women when it comes to talking to their children about sex.

Men might not have had good role models in their own fathers - who most probably were similarly reticent on this tricky subject.

The first step to solving the problem is for fathers to get better at conversing with their children generally - you aren't going to do a good job talking about sex if you find discussing what they want for lunch awkward and stressful.

The second is to improve the way you and your partner communicate.

If you find it difficult talking about sex to an adult with whom you are intimate, children will sense this discomfort and you will set the wrong tone for them to have a relaxed approach to the subject.

The other key advantage of talking about sex with your partner is that it makes sense to confer, otherwise you might send conflicting messages.

The third step is to understand that you are communicating volumes about sex to your children already - from your general behaviour and attitudes.

Children are very observant, so there would be little point trying to formally tell your sons about respecting women, if they see you unpleasantly ogling every girl that walks by when mum isn't around.

A key confusion is when to start talking to boys about sex, and the mistake many men make is to wait until the obvious signs of puberty.

The current thinking is to broach the subject younger, as waiting too long seems linked paradoxically to earlier underage sex in boys.

Boys need this information before they experience bodily changes of puberty, so they are not worried or afraid by what is happening.

Finally, pick a time when your child can talk privately to you at some length, and create an emotional atmosphere that ensures they are without fear of ridicule for ignorance or mistakes.

This may mean that many men have to actually educate themselves about sex before they start teaching their sons, which may be no bad thing for the mothers.

Dr Raj Persaud is a consultant psychiatrist at Maudsley Hospital.

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