OFF the record - Brief Article

"Congressman Bob Barr was at a rally when someone gave him a .38 caliber gun as a gift. Well, the gun went off....and the politicians hit the floor. The Republicans thought maybe it was an angry voter, someone with money in the stock market. And the Democrats thought maybe it was an angry husband. So, between the two of them, they didn't know where to go."

Jay Leno

"Today, President Bush was forced to make the most-difficult decision of his presidency. He went with the nine iron."

Craig Kilborn

"New Jersey Senator Robert Torricelli is now running television ads apologizing for taking illegal cash and gifts from a campaign contributor. This is what I love about Washington, this is amazing to me. They take illegal money, and then they use that money to run ads to apologize for taking illegal money."

Jay Leno

"A new survey asked married women when they most wanted to have sex; 89 percent of the ladies said right after my husband is finished."

Craig Kilborn

"The Stock Market had a good day today, nobody got arrested."

Jay Leno

"President Bush passed his annual physical with flying colors. Of course, Pres. Bush was very pleased, it's not that often that he passes an exam.... After eight years of Clinton isn't it nice to have a president who can take his clothes off in front of a stranger and not get arrested?...The doctor said that Bush did have one bad habit, occassionally smoking a cigar in the White House office. Let's just hope those weren't left over from the last administration."

Jay Leno

"I was driving by Robert Blake's house this morning and I saw a sign out front that read 'For Sale By Killer'."

Craig Kilborn

"Saddam Hussein has invited members from the U.S. Congress to visit Iraq. Man how stupid is Hussein? If you think Bush had incentive to bomb Iraq before, imagine if Congress was over there!"

Jay Leno

"The Sopranos TV show has come out with its own line of Italian food; in a related story, Chef Boyardee was found shoe, face down in a pool of his own marinara."

Craig Kilborn

"It was so hot today in New York City that Al Sharpton was caught on surveillance tape buying a Vanilla Coke.... It is so hot right now that I am sweating more than James Traficant waiting in line for a prison shower."

David Letterman

"Saddam Hussein is getting a little worried. Today he bought a new globe and Iraq wasn't on it."

Craig Kilborn

"President Bush has agreed to be interviewed by '60 Minutes'...he said he would stay for the full half hour."

David Letterman

"One-thousand California women set a record for simultaneous breast-feeding. In a related story, two-thousand California men set a record for pretending to look away."

Craig Kilborn

"All politicians have vanity Some wear it more gently than others."

David Steel

"There are three and a half billion Asians who don't know Ed Rollins."

Ed Rollins, after controversy erupted over his handling of US political campaigns

"I am deeply touched -- not as deeply touched as you have been coming to this dinner, but nonetheless it is a sentimental occasion."

john F. Kennedy at a political fundraiser

"I want to come back as me,"

Former New York Mayor Ed Koch, on reincarnation

"He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals."

Benjamin Franklin

COPYRIGHT 2002 Campaigns & Elections, Inc.
COPYRIGHT 2002 Gale Group