Lose the farce: a tragic tale of Wookie nookie

WITH the original Star Wars trilogy re-released on video in time for Christmas - the only discernable addition being a 10-minute sneak preview of Episode Two - it's worth looking back to another time a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away; November 17, 1978, to be exact, when America's CBS network broadcast a two-hour holiday event called The Star Wars Holiday Special. Never heard of it? That's because after its ill-fated premiere, Star Wars creator George Lucas banished it forever. But something of this much weight has a way of reaching the masses. "Special" is certainly one word for that show. Other words you might choose include "distressing", "appalling" and "bad". Yes, it was that unprecedented. And yes, it was that bad.

Among the Star Wars faithful, it is taken for granted that Lucas wants every last trace of it expunged from the earth. Nearly every actor involved - essentially the entire cast of the first film - would probably rather forget his or her participation, especially Carrie Fisher. If you're unlucky enough to come across a copy of this underwhelming indignity, you'll find her performing a musical number - with Wookies.

The Star Wars Holiday Special has no plot as such, but the show drifts along something like this: it's Life Day on the Wookie planet of Kashyyyk (sort of like Thanksgiving and Chanukkah put together, except much more boring). Chewbacca's return from his galactic adventures is eagerly awaited by his family - wife Malla, father Itchy and son Lumpy. Malla, Itchy and Li'l Lumpy have several in- depth conversations regarding different Wookie-related matters - but of course, since they're speaking Wookie-ese, we can't understand a word. This nonsensical squawking goes on for 20 minutes until veteran actor Art Carney shows up and bestows upon the family a "mind evaporator". Which, come to think of it, actually explains most of the show so far.

Apparently unimpressed with the low calibre of the show's guest- star cameo, Itchy settles down to indulge in a little Wookie porn via a sort of proto-cybersex virtual-reality machine. Diahann Carroll (later to star in Dynasty) appears in his porn finder, purring: "I am your fantasy. I am your pleasure. So enjoy me." Which Itchy - licking his rubbery lips and shuddering orgasmically - proceeds (at length) to do.

Occasionally, the producers cut to space-battle footage cribbed from Star Wars and check in on Chewbacca and Han Solo struggling to get Chewy back in time for Life Day. Harrison Ford didn't weasel his way out of this TV bad boy either. Nor did Mark Hamill, C-3PO or R2D2. (This is what is known as a "contractual obligation".) Luke Skywalker surfaces briefly, slathered in girlish makeup (this was after the car crash) and blathers incoherently. There is a Tatooine Cantina ballad sung by Bea Arthur (later of The Golden Girls) and a startlingly bad performance by Jefferson Starship.

Chewy eventually shows up back at home. Han greets the family: "Malla. Lumpy. Itchy." Han scruffs the little one's head, saying "Look at Lumpy, he's all grown up. I think his voice is changing." Then Han hugs all four furballs and pauses meaningfully at the door. "All of you are an important part of my life," he says. Finally, we witness the moving Life Day ceremony. And at the end all the Wookies line up in their red robes and walk through the stars and into the moon.

Was Lucas on drugs when he authorised this? Although technically only 120 minutes long, the Holiday Special has the futuristic ability to slow time as you watch it. Yet, as with Schindler's List, everyone should be forced to see it once just so nothing this abominable ever happens again.

But for now, Lucas can count his blessings. You will not be seeing The Star Wars Holiday Special - not this year, not any year. And if you're lucky and pray really, really hard, maybe your grandkids will never have to see it either. Maybe there can be peace on Earth; maybe there can be goodwill towards men.

So have a merry Christmas. And may the Force most certainly not be with you.

The new Star Wars Trilogy box set is available now

Copyright 2000
Provided by ProQuest Information and Learning Company. All rights Reserved.