Passion of the people: looking for dignity in the Catholic church

"The Talmud tells the tale of two men walking past the ruins of an ancient synagogue. One of them, saddened by the desolate rubble, sighs and remarks, "How much money my ancestors invested here!" His friend gently rebukes him, "How many souls have your ancestors invested here?"

--Rabbi David Wolpe in Healer of Shattered Hearts

"How many souls have your ancestors invested here?" More than just a query of quantity, this question raises the more ultimate concerns of any of life's projects: what have I committed of my soul, of my deepest Self, and does the investment hold meaning for me? These questions run like an artesian well of truth beneath the outer landscape of my life. They flow with an unrestrained energy and give vitality to who I am as a lesbian, celibate woman of faith. For when it comes to being gay, Catholic and a vowed nun one needs to be funded from depths beyond her imaginings!

So why speak out publicly on the issues of gay rights in the church and in society? For me, amidst all the inherent dangers of doing so, it has become a spiritual and political imperative to join my voice with the many who speak truth to power. I am compelled by the gospel life of Jesus. I am compelled by his non-violent proclamation of the inclusive Reign of God. I am compelled by my conscience. I am compelled by the suffering of those I see around me; the spiritually-slaughtered, physically-battered, politically-expendable victims of homophobia. Life shouldn't have to be so dangerous, so un-loving.

With the hope of calling the church to be a more safe and loving presence in our world, I find community and strength with my companions in Dignity, a national organization of gay Catholics and their friends. The members of Dignity believe that lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered and two-spirited people can express their sexuality in a manner that is consonant with the teaching of Jesus Christ, and that all sexuality should be exercised in an ethically responsible and unselfish way.

We seek to be in dialogue with the official Church, and all people of good will, on the life-enhancing questions of faith, sexuality and social justice. Grounded in a commitment to our faith, we gather privately for prayer and community support, and we brave the public arena when necessary. A few months ago I was part of our local chapter's presentation to the Standing Committee on Justice and Human Rights regarding the legal recognition of same-sex marriage. At times fear has gripped me, but giving voice to our struggle, whether publically or privately, has been an important part of my own healing.

My journey "out of the closet" has been a winding path over many years, on many continents, in the graced presence of many good people. Since my youth my love of women's energy and companionship has been an unfolding strength within me, but when that power and longing hinted more surely of a sexual affinity, I became quite scared. I did not recognize this drawing power when I joined my religious community, but when it became more evident, I recall walking through the streets of Regina (where I was in religious training), crying and pleading with God, "Don't make me one of those." Too afraid to talk to anyone about it, I buried the knowing for another ten years, until other pieces of my life could come together within me in order to welcome the truth more freely--as gift rather than curse.

Hungering for a deep and vital intimacy with God, falling in and out of love with wonderful women, and struggling with my vocation, I eventually discovered that my sexuality and spirituality are part of one and the same Life Force. How, indeed, can the tide be severed from its ocean? Sexuality is that yearning for relationship that is meaningful, and spirituality is the way I live out that meaning. Yes, even as a celibate lover of life, I am in relationship with the earth, with other people, with an intimate other, with self, with God and always engaging who I am as a sexual being.

Indeed, I refuse to surrender my joy to the homophobic declarations of our churches. But make no mistake, the anguish felt by me and many gay Christians is deep and cancerous as we are forced to choose between the church who nurtured us and the God who created us. Many of my friends need to leave the church in order to keep their faith. Neither the church's contempt or pity will heal such a tearing of soul.

Despite this ongoing wounding, it is amazing that so many from the gay community are pursuing their spiritual life within our Christian traditions. This is a sign of hope for me and a profound assurance that God is indeed larger than the church. Grounded in the truth of who we are, gay Christians are telling their stories. We are encouraging one another. We are praying together. We are calling the church to conversion. We are creating communities of justice. With an outrageous hope, we refuse to surrender our joy. We know we are lived in by God!

The whole church must bear the burden of the violence that the Vatican's discriminatory stand against gays and lesbians incites. Induced self-hatred among homosexual persons, the scape-goating of gay priests and seminarians, the anguish felt by parents with gay children, gay bashing, suicide (particularly high among gay teens), is to name but a few of its deadly consequences. No discrimination is justified when it results in the violent oppression and control of another, no matter what theological basis it purports to stand on.

And so I say, speak to me, my church--speak to us gay and lesbian members who try to live our love and our lives with integrity, honesty and fidelity. Speak the Good News to us--we long to hear a word of freedom and hope from you.

Stop with the citations of immoral behaviour used to justify the hatred, dressed up as "love the sinner but hate the sin," because we all know that every act of depraved morality declared against us can also be found in the heterosexual community. Stop with the declaration that our relationships are illicit because our love cannot create children; our love can and does create abundant life in many ways.

A narrow definition of natural law can no longer legitimate the discrimination against that part of the Body of Christ that is gay. Our perception of the laws of nature is always evolving. If this were not true, we would still be assuring ourselves that the sun revolves around the earth, and the church, centuries later, would never have apologized to Galileo who declared the opposite. Galileo was forced to repudiate his scientific knowledge lest he be declared a heretic by the official church. Gays and lesbians bear a similar persecution by the church hierarchy as we struggle to live in a faith community that would rather demonize than dialogue.

Speak to me, my church. I am willing to speak with you. I will come to your church basements, your homes, your schools, your favourite coffee shops, or your Vatican offices. I will share the cosmic shift in consciousness that occurred in me when God called me to not only be one with--but also one of--the marginalized in our church and society.

Walking the path of sexual and social change as a follower of an "undomesticated" Jesus is never a comfortable journey. And this is the journey of those who identify themselves as Christian and gay. We are called to be as authentic in our living and loving as Jesus was in his, to invest of our souls with as much passion and compassion as Jesus did with his. We must never confuse the comfort of the "closeted" life with our joy. It is the latter that truly gives life, for comfort is not a gospel value.

The Scriptures of my life tell the tale of two spirits walking past the ancient ruins of my life's journey. One of the spirits, saddened by what appeared to be my meager contributions to life, sighs and remarks, "How much more 'money' my Sandra could have invested here!" The other spirit gently rebukes her friend, "How much of her soul has Sandra invested here?"

As Rabbi Wolpe encourages: The question is not the splendor or achievement of what I have done in my life, but why I did what I did, and what I invested of my soul. Did I create for a higher purpose? Did I conceive of anything greater than myself?. Did I live with joy?

Sandra Stewart has been a member of the Catholic Sisters of Our Lady of the Missions for almost 25 years. She has served in the ministry of spiritual accompaniment since 1988 and received her training in spiritual direction from the Centre for Spiritual Growth in Ottawa, with further studies at the Institute for Spiritual Leadership in Chicago. She also holds a Master of Pastoral Studies degree.

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