On "knowing your place"

FOR ALL OF OUR ONGOING professional discussion about boundaries, I wonder if, conceptually, we've done sufficient critical thinking about their workings and their many guises. While some boundarying can keep one (or one's ego) safe and make for appropriate and healthy relationships, other boundaries imprison and some exclude and separate us when it would be healthier to extend ourselves to, or touch, one another. Concepts such as "boundaries" too frequently become catch phrases that are subsumed into professional argot and dogma. Too often, deeper thought about such concepts ceases and their ability to help us understand our social environments is curtailed. There are times to gird up boundaries, times to make them permeable, and times to enrich our understanding of them.

I was reminded, obliquely, of the guises that boundaries can take when visiting a friend who is the mother of three and was a childhood playmate of my son. Sitting on the floor playing with her young children, we talked about the mischief that she and her sister and my son would get into when they were little. We laughed and shared happy memories and talked about the courses of our lives. Then she stopped, momentarily lost in thought, hesitated, and unexpectedly said "it was just after we moved away from Sherman Park that I was first called a 'nigger' by someone who I wanted as a new friend. I remember that day-a piece of my heart broke off. I'm different now."

She added, "You're family. I need to tell you about what happened and how it changed me, changed my life, and changed my sisters when similar things happened to them." I listened to her conscious remembrance of one racial incident and its effect on the course of her life and her identity-how her narrative flow was altered by events, emotions, and changes in her sense of self vis-a-vis others; how hurtful words are made peculiarly ugly when one is on the receiving end of them and wants to belong. As I listened to her story, I found I also unconsciously resonated with the changes it brought to her and her life. I had earlier missed the innocence and carefree quality I recalled in her childhood play and banter. My son was present and also heard, head bowed and silent. He, too, knew full well the impact of such moments, those moments when one realizes that they have been assigned a place outside of others' boundaries, moments when one becomes one of "them" rather than one of "us," moments when people first become conscious that any sense of their acceptance and belonging has been qualified by others.

While we may grasp at words to apprehend the import of such bleak epiphanies, their greater insult is to those places within and between us where words and conscious reflection aren't the coin of the realm-places where we intuitively and tacitly "understand" we don't belong. "I am different now from that little girl who played in your house," she said with a mixture of anger and sorrow. Among all the ways of framing her recollection, her identity was altered by being socially disembedded (Josselson, 1996). Building on the thoughts of Martin Buber, Josselson notes that "we need to find a place within a social context ... to entwine our individual experience with an ongoing human narrative" (1996, p. 180). Without entwining our own narratives with the larger human narrative, we do not "belong" and we lose our "voice." Josselson further notes that it is a "grievous" experience to belong nowhere at all. My young friend went from a situation in which she was embedded in a community to one in which she was met by a boundary that denied her the opportunity to be similarly embedded. We don't have adequate words to describe such experiences, nor do we accurately capture the difference between knowing one's place by being included versus learning of one's place from being excluded. One place nurtures and the other wounds. One boundary protects and supports and the other denies belonging. In her case, it was a reminder to me that there are things that parents and friends are ill-equipped to protect children from.

Hearing again another verbal account of the old saw "know your place" and the tacit drawing of boundaries and creating ofgulfs between people was a reminder of those peculiar moments when some of our life's dole of innocence and possibility is lost. One of the insights my friend of a quarter century shared was how the first, remembered, overt slap of racism affected her and her siblings differently, according to their age-an interesting observation in itself. Such rejection of one by another, this drawing of lines and boundaries to exclude one another, is both a tacit and explicit behavior that is finely woven into the fabric of our society. But, figuratively speaking, we various carrots and onions and potatoes-good food all-are likely the last to apprehend the broth within which we all simmer-this separating of one from another is so all-pervasive we've become blind to much of it. But, when any of us is consigned a place outside a boundary, it is not always possible to eloquently state what is eloquently and unconsciously felt.

My friend's comments brought back memories of the injunctions from my own childhood era about "knowing one's place" and of all the unstated "rules of the game" I'd learned before I acquired the words to capture them. Now, many such overt injunctions have politely gone underground, but still exist in a multitude of guises-possibilities blunted because of one's gender, culture, class, neighborhood, skin color, sexual preference, political orientation, religion, race, schooling, appearance, etc. We unconsciously begin to understand the workings of boundaries that separate and divide, that set us apart and blunt our need to belong, before we learn the word "boundary" itself. We may term such things as merely various kinds of "-isms," but the aggregate effect is division, isolation, limitation, mistrust, and conflict. When anyone is categorically excluded, all are divided.

The psychologist Timothy Wilson, in his intriguing new book Strangers to Ourselves (2002), elaborates on the workings of the adaptive unconscious and in it mentions the effects and workings of racism. He observes that racism (and all "-isms") are acted out as patterned and ingrained social behaviors and interaction-rule-driven behavior that our unconscious mind understands quite readily even though our conscious minds are somewhat more oblivious to their subtler permutations. To adapt to our world, we unconsciously learn the intricacies of human interaction well before we learn to consciously process it. In a similar though earlier musing, the naturalist Loren Eiseley (1975, p. 258) pondered whether our conscious minds really see all that is-that it is probable that our unconscious mutely sees even more through the same eyes: "who knows ... what one really is or if someone else gazes from the eyes that we imagine are our own." The rudder on our consciousness, our voice in our reflective minds, is often attached to our adaptive unconscious as well as our intellects. Words are not the only vehicles for knowing and understanding. We are more than we know, and our works more subtle.

The student of yesteryear who used a racial epithet to draw an exclusionary and demeaning boundary between herself and my young friend may not have consciously thought that what she was saying was racist and hurtful, but her adaptive unconscious certainly understood "the rules of the exclusion and separation game." We can grow up implicitly "knowing our place (and your place, and the limitations that come with 'place')" without hearing it explicitly stated in words. Nonetheless, such tacit knowing affects that to which we aspire and that which we can imagine. It makes conditional our sense of mattering, of counting for something in the larger scheme of things. It binds us, boxes us in, separates us, and makes us unnecessarily strangers to one another. More's our collective stupidity for not coming to grips with this.

We in social work and human services are currently living in an era of more extreme conservative politics and witnessing the influence of religious fundamentalists and may be faced by a growing need to ignore our place and get "uppity" if we are to advocate for and preserve social justice and democracy. In (re)considering the richness of the concept of boundaries that divide us, we may need to readdress larger questions about social issues. For example, where is the boundary between capitalism and the larger social fabric? Where should the boundary be between religion and secular life? Where is the boundary between corporate America and the body politic? What are the boundaries that still keep us racially divided? Why is the gulf and boundary between the "haves" and the "have-nots" growing? What is the boundary that keeps a stranger from becoming a friend? Finally, when I think that some boundaries need transcending, I'm reminded of the words of Thomas Merton (2003) who said,

It is my intention to make my entire lift a rejection of, a protest against the crimes and injustices of war and political tyranny which threaten to destroy the whole race of [humankind] and the world with [it].... I make monastic silence a protest against the lies of politicians, propagandists, and agitators, and when I speak it is to deny that my faith and my church can ever be aligned with these forces of injustice and destruction. But it is true, nevertheless, that the faith in which I believe is also invoked by many who believe in war, believe in racial injustices, believe in self-righteous and lying forms of tyranny. My life must, then, be a protest against these also, and perhaps against these most of all. (emphasis added)

Amen.

For Merton, it was necessary to step out of the boundaries of his place and find his voice. The same need confronts us all if we feel called to raise our voices on behalf of those outside the boundaries of power and control, those not embedded in a nurturing society. If any of us struggle with the impulse to remain silent about our beliefs and values and ethics, what is that learned admonition that stills our voices and keeps us in our place? Where is our source of strength and belonging? What is the price of silence and what price the preservation of those walls that thoughtlessly separate us?

This Issue

In this issue we again shine a little light on those far from the corridors of power. As always, there is much to be gleaned from the articles included in this issue if we but take the time to read them. Broadly, several articles cohere about a general theme of practice issues and another group on the well-being of children and families. In the former grouping we have Clinical, Ethical, and Legal Issues in E-Therapy by Karima Kanani and Cheryl Regehr. This article provides readers practical insights on current ethical and legal issues in providing e-therapy-primarily through e-mail and instant messaging. The authors refer to case law and ethical imperatives to clarify issues involved in such relationship and treatment modalities. Joan Beder offers us timely and sage advice in her article War, Death, and Bereavement: How We Can Help. Drawing on the literature on grief and bereavement work, her own practice experience, and knowledge about the effects of past wars, Beder focuses on the needs of those most closely affected by war-related deaths and on the things we can do to help. As she aptly notes, "war is hell" for all involved. This article is available at www.alliance1.org/fis as a PDF document download for free use by individuals (through at least the end of 2003). Michal Krumer-Nevo explores that seemingly simple but profoundly important question "what actually helps" in her article, What Helps in Help? A New Look at the Issue of Help for Women in Deep, Long-Term Economic and Social Deprivation. In her article, we are shown the helping relationship through the eyes of those on the receiving end-the client. What are the patterns of interaction in effective helping relationships? Krumer-Nevo suggests that we need to reconsider our (conscious and unconscious) presuppositions before we work with people who have long-term needs. Her observations can help us put the effectiveness back in helping. Martha Wilson and Barbara Beville address an important issue in Preemployment and Volunteer Screening: Reducing the Risk of Child Sexual Abuse for Social Service Agencies. Their article gives a timely overview of efforts agencies can undertake to diminish the risks of child sexual abuse and they give helpful advice on various screening models. Stephen Wartel provides A Strengths-Based Practice Model: Psychology of Mind and Health Realization. He observes that while increasing numbers of practitioners have been successfully using the psychology of mind/health realization paradigm, it has still been only minimally recognized in the field. The major tenets of that paradigm are identified and readers are provided with applications to social work practice.

Susan Walzer and Thomas Oles give readers Managing Conflict After Marriages End: A Qualitative Study of Ex-Spouse Narratives. Using interview data, the authors link the narrative process of how clients talk about a previous marriage and an ex-spouse to their management of ongoing interpersonal conflict with the ex-spouse. Given the incidence of divorce in our society and the necessity for maintaining some level of relating when children are involved, the implications of this study will prove helpful in clinical work with families and former spouses. Karie Frasch and Devon Brooks provide insights into a thought-provoking subject in Normative Development in Transracially Adoptive Families: An Integration of the Literature and Implications for the Construction of a Theoretical Framework. Research on transracial adoption has a checkered past and the (often value-laden) findings have only marginally been integrated into a coherent whole. A comprehensive vision of the issues involved and the means of making such adoptions successful is sorely needed. The authors have integrated the available literature on the topic and have identified important issues in the development of families as a whole. Their work brings additional and needed insight to the subject, and their work has implications for practice. Stephen Duncan, Tim Dunnagan, Suzanne Christopher, and Lynn Paul bring the reader insights into program effectiveness in Helping Families Toward the Goal of Self-Support: Montana's EDUFAIM Program. This review of a self-reliance program describes its conceptual bases, strategies, and measures of effectiveness and can help readers in other programs utilize the experience of Montana's program in tailoring their own. Walter Ellis tackles an important topic in arranging for the health care needs of children in single-parent and shared custody homes. His article, Parental Custody Negotiations and Health Insurance Access for Children is a timely and informative look at an overlooked subject. His information can be of use to agencies and those providing services to children and parents. Regarding perspectives on the well-being of children and families, Miriam Landsman, Kathy Thompson, and Gail Barber have contributed Using Mediation to Achieve Permanency for Children and Families. Achieving permanency in the living situations of children has received increasing emphasis in the past few years, and the authors of this article describe the workings and outcomes of a child welfare mediation program. The program they describe sought to involve families in the decision-making so that prolonged foster care could be avoided. The results of the program are identified and case studies illustrate the program's workings. Such information can be useful to other agencies and professionals attempting to bring some stability into the lives of children. Erik Laursen and Scott Birmingham offer Caring Relationships as a Protective Factor for At-Risk Youth: An Ethnographic Study. Their study utilizes the observations of kids themselves about the importance of relationships with adults who care about them-someone to whom they matter. The linkage of a caring relationship to the development of resilience in the children is explored and implications for practice drawn. With luck, readers may be able to give further thought to the importance of being embedded in caring relationships of all kinds. Rediscovering the importance of actual caring about people might be a good antidote for the vestiges of functionalism limiting our social thought and case and program planning. Roberta Coles examines thoughts and ideas and motives in Black, Single Custodial Fathers: Factors Influencing the Decision to Parent. Her work studies this often overlooked group of men and expands our notions of who these fathers are, what they do with and for their children, and what motivates them to take a major role in parenting children. Her findings are a good counterbalance for myths and pseudo-truths about Black fathers and provide a basis for more well-grounded and effective work. Jennifer Propp, Debora Ortega, and Forest NewHeart provide a much-needed look at the transition of children in foster care to adults. The article, Independence or Interdependence: Rethinking the Transition From "Ward of the Court" to Adulthood contributes to a small body of knowledge about the subject. Kids grow up, and on their 18th birthday they become adults and their legal status and support system changes. Many are ill-prepared for the transition and poorly supported as they continue their development and maturation and need for supportive relationships. This is a subject we need to know more about and one that needs considerable thought and research. This article is one step in correcting that neglect.

In the multiauthored Comparison Between American Indian and Non-Indian Out-of-Home Placements, Karen Donald, Linda Bradley, Priscilla Day, Ray Critchley, and Kathleen Nuccio compare the lives and characteristics of Indian and non-Indian children placed in foster care. The article focuses on issues involving physical neglect and alcoholism, and the authors make suggestions for providing better services through enhanced collaboration between state, local, and tribal services. Culture comes into play, and knowledgeable practice is better practice. Shirley Zimmerman takes a macro perspective on the interplay of political cultures and family and child well-being in various states. Her Child and Family Well-Being in States With Different Political Cultures uses the notion of political culture theory as a lens to examine national level data about family well-being. The implications for social work practice include the need for more cognizance about states' political and moral climates (their ethos) and their policies that shape practice and the provision of services. This article will be helpful and thought-provoking for readers in the policy arena and agency administration.

Finally, David Hodge offers us a thought-provoking discussion of Differences in Worldviews Between Social Workers and People of Faith. Using the recent work of Hunter, Hodge examines the congruence and divergence of worldviews between people who are deeply absorbed by their faith and those working in traditional social work. He suggests that there is a substantial difference between the lenses of social workers and some people of faith, resulting in less effective provision of services and poor communication. Reminding ourselves of the old dictum to "start where the client is," Hodge's work should serve as a good reminder that some people of faith constitute a unique culture and it behooves practitioners to better understand the world from their clients' point of view.

This issue is replete with valuable information that needs reading if it is to enrich practice and further research. Take the time to read and then discuss what you've learned with colleagues. Small steps toward a better world are admirable things.

References

Eiseley, L. (1975). All the strange hours. New York: Scribners.

Josselson, R. (1996). The space between us. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.

Merton, T. (2003, May). In "Sunbeams." The Sun, 329, p. 48.

Wilson, T. (2002). Strangers to ourselves. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.

Copyright Families in Society Apr-Jun 2003
Provided by ProQuest Information and Learning Company. All rights Reserved