Kids need an adult near while playing

Question: At what age do you let young children play unsupervised? We have a 6-year-old boy and live in a neighborhood where children 3 years and up wander around.

We usually bring other children into our home to play while I supervise them. Our son is now becoming aware of the children in our neighborhood and wants to play with them. They're not interested in coming to our home to play. They often play in large groups, and a few of the older children are bullies.

What do I say to my son, and when do I let him play with these other children? -- M.B., Utah

Answer: Many states have laws requiring that children below a specified age not be left alone. Most parents, though, want to be with their children more than they can be. Some have to be away from their children in order to work, yet they are unable to earn enough to pay for child care and after-school programs.

Sometimes we wish things could be the way we like to think they used to be. We dream back to a time when children were taken care of by their neighborhoods and lived in places safe enough for them to learn while exploring on their own.

Today we often do not have communities to rely on as we raise our children. Rarely, now, are adults even around to be in charge.

But it does seem important for children's sense of their own limits to have an adult around who is in control.

Leaving children alone to find their own limits can be pretty frightening for them. Gangs demonstrate one outcome for children who have felt unsupervised, out of control and still in search of a family.

Can you reach out to the other children's parents? Perhaps you and others can take turns being present for your children.

The children may at first resist adult participation, but a patient parent will discover that underneath their resistance is a longing for an adult to be in charge.

What can you tell your son? Tell him that you may not be like everybody else's parents and that he's going to have to learn to put up with that. (Someday he'll cherish the qualities that make you different, but don't expect that now.)

Tell him that you understand how important his friends are to him and that you certainly want to encourage his friendships. But let him know that you need to meet his friends' parents and that he and his friends must play in places that you can be sure are safe -- with appropriate supervision.

This still can leave plenty of opportunities for children to make their own discoveries and their own mistakes to learn from.

Question: My granddaughter is almost 5 and hasn't eaten any fruits or vegetables since she quit eating baby food. She eats plenty of meat, bread, milk, cheese and junk: crackers, chips, candy, soda.

Her pediatrician warned her mother almost two years ago to take away the junk food and limit the meat, bread and milk while making fruits and vegetables easily available. Her mother won't do this because she doesn't want her daughter to be hungry. She thinks her daughter will eventually choose to eat fruits and vegetables.

Could you elaborate on the many evils of no fruits and vegetables? -- N.Q., Germantown, Tenn.

Answer: We agree with your concern about a child being raised on junk food. Obesity and tooth decay are some of the possible end results.

If her mother will listen to you (and often a grandparent's advice is hard for a parent to accept -- especially about sensitive areas like this), you might advise her that a multivitamin would help to cover the child's requirements for fruit and vegetable contents.

Then, if she could start to keep fruits and vegetables around, without a lot of junk food to compete, her child might learn to eat them, gradually, by modeling on her parents' behavior.

But there is no point in trying to force a child to eat fruits and vegetables. A parent will lose the battle, and the child will only hate these foods more. Instead, a parent can introduce them gently and make eating them fun.

Children's tastes for foods often change as they develop. Parents should keep mealtimes enjoyable and unpressured during these early periods when a child's tastes are limited and her need to assert herself is strong.

Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua Sparrow, care of The New York Times Syndication Sales Corp., 122 E. 42nd St., New York, N.Y. 10168. Questions may also be sent by e-mail to: nytsyn-families@nytimes.com

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