I'm hetero! Finally the truth's out

Hello. I'm Heterosexual.

Ungay.

I thought it was important you should know.

You know, in case you read my column regularly or we meet on the street.

But mostly because a lot of people seem to be making declarations about their sexual leanings these days. Ellen. k.d. lang. Rosie (what a shock!). Clergy. Politicians. Even newspaper writers.

Boston Herald sports columnist Ed Gray wrote an entire column last week declaring that he is gay. I am following his lead in declaring I am heterosexual.

Ed Gray declared he is "out." I guess that means I'm "in."

Ed Gray is attracted to men. I am attracted to women -- specifically, my wife, who, I feel it necessary to point out in these uncertain times, is a woman (and hetero, if you're keeping score at home).

I'm not sure what this is all about, this business of defining ourselves by our sexual preference and then announcing it to the world. When did we start standing up and saying, "Hey, everybody, now hear this! I like to have sex with (fill in the blank)! "

What these people seem to be saying is that this is their defining characteristic, the most notable thing about them, the thing they want you to know about them. They couldn't just say they were a cat- or-dog person, a boxers-or-briefs guy, a jogger, a broccoli eater, Democrat. No, just sexual preference, the apparent theme of their existence.

What does it have to do with the price of bread, or getting the kids to school, or the "war" in Iraq or getting on with the rest of the business we call life?

Gray and others like him don't have to worry about people labeling them; they're doing it themselves.

"Frankly," wrote Gray, "I'm out because I can't come up with a single logical reason I should have denied myself the right to live and work as openly and freely as everyone else."

And to do that, apparently he is required to announce his sexual preference. Why don't we just hang signs around our necks -- GAY. BI. HETERO, UNDECIDED. We could have them tattooed on our foreheads.

(Memo to Gray from reader: All I wanted was the score of the Sox game, not your Sex game. I . DON'T . CARE.)

Maybe people of a different bent will start going public with their preferences: LIKE TO BE CUDDLED. EARLOBE NIBBLER. TOE FETISH. I ONLY LIKE REDHEADS.

In the near future, when it comes to identifying your sex on job applications, will M and F be replaced by G, L or H?

(Miss Manners should soon address this question: What is the proper response to declarations of sexual preference? What does one say, for instance, when Rev. Eugene Robinson says, "I'm a homosexual?" "Congratulations?" "I'm a vegetarian?" "Sorry to hear that?" "I'm a Canadian?")

I'm thinking of turning this into a hetero column the way that Ellen Degeneres turned "Ellen" into a lesbian show. She was no longer Ellen the Comic; she was Ellen the Lesbian Comic. I'm no longer Doug Robinson the columnist -- I'm Doug Robinson the Hetero Columnist. Every column will be another exploration into the life of a hetero, with hilarious sitcom-type essays on the outrageous lifestyle of a hetero. I'll call my column Will and Grace.

Gray thought it was his duty to write his public admission because, as a sports writer, he covers sports in which he says there is "homophobia." I guess he couldn't denounce homophobia in sports without declaring his own sexuality, which would be like denouncing racism if you aren't a minority.

Maybe it's simply a case of too much information. I keep thinking of an old Carly Simon song, "No Secrets" -- "We have no secrets / We tell each other everything. / And though we know each other better when we explore / Sometimes I wish / Often I wish / That I never knew some of those secrets of yours."

Doug Robinson's column runs on Tuesdays. E-mail drob@desnews.com.

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