Most 2-year-olds go through a biting period

Question: I have two precious granddaughters: a 24-month-old and her sister, a 5-month-old. The older child is biting other children, including her sister. This is very disturbing to all.

The girls have two Labrador retrievers in their home. The dogs often go after each other with "playful" bites and mouths open. They are allowed to lick adults and the girls alike.

Is the 24-month-old mimicking this canine behavior, or is something else causing her to bite? She also licks her sister and others.

What can be done to help her understand that she cannot bite others under any circumstances? -- V.H., Tomball, Texas

Answer: Children do imitate what they see, and this child may well mean to be "playful" when she bites. Of course, she may not, and her biting and licking may be part of her adjustment to the new baby, an idea which you and her parents have probably considered.

Nearly all 2-year-olds go through a period of biting, even those without canine role models. In fact, one of our colleagues says that a bite and a kiss from a toddler are closely related -- they're on the same spectrum of expressing feelings.

Biting at this age occurs when a child is overwhelmed with emotion. Adult excitement about the behavior reinforces it, and this can lead a child to bite more frequently.

When parents and other adults overreact, children will bite again - - as if to have a chance to learn what all the excitement is about. So, if you can, respond calmly, and tell our granddaughter: "Biting hurts, and no one likes it. I understand how difficult it is for you to control yourself, but whenever you bite we'll have to walk away from you."

Ask your granddaughter what you can do to help her stop herself from biting when she is excited or overwhelmed. Suggest that she try sucking on her fingers or cuddling a doll or rocking in her seat -- anything that will help her calm herself down.

Question: My son-in-law is dying of heart failure. His 3 1/2-year- old son has seen his father's health decline over the past year. He doesn't understand why his dad cannot roughhouse and walk with him anymore.

How does one explain to a 3-year-old about his father's health problems and eventual death?

My daughter is overwhelmed trying to keep her job and traveling back and forth to the hospital. She is not a religious person and does not believe in talking about heaven and the angels. We are trying to find an explanation a 3-year-old can deal with. -- J.C., via e-mail

Answer: This illness in a young man is difficult for any of us to understand. There is little that you can help a 3-year-old with, except the truth: "Daddy loves you. He wishes he could play with you so much. But he is sick, and his body is weak. You and he will have to make up talking games with each other."

I'll bet that your grandson wants to roughhouse with his father again as a way of trying to make him get better. But you must be honest with him, so that he can trust you with all the questions that will come later.

You can't protect the child of a dying parent from his wishes and his disappointment, but you can help him to see the truth about the situation.

After his father dies, a 3-year-old can be expected to wonder: "Did I do something to make him die?" Such thoughts are predictable because a child this age explains everything in terms of himself. A 3- year-old is also likely to wonder whether what happened to his dad will happen to him, to his mother or to anyone else he counts on to take care of him.

At this age, you can't expect him to understand much. But your simple, clear and honest answers to the questions that matter to him will help him believe you when you tell him, "I'm all right. Your Mommy's all right. We'll take care of you, and you'll be all right. Daddy loves you, and we know how much you love him. But his body was too weak for him to take care of you. And that makes all of us feel sad."

You and your daughter may find that Maria Trozzi's book "Talking With Children About Loss: Words, Strategies and Wisdom to Help Children Cope With Death, Divorce and Other Difficult Times" (Perigee, 1999) helps you to understand a child's experience with illness and death. It may also help you to find the right words to say to your grandson.

Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua Sparrow, care of The New York Times Syndication Sales Corp., 122 E. 42nd St., New York, N.Y. 10168. Questions may also be sent by e-mail to: nytsyn- families@nytimes.com. Questions of general interest will be answered in this column. Drs. Brazelton and Sparrow regret that unpublished letters cannot be answered individually. Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child's health or well-being, consult your child's health-care provider.

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