If you mess with soccer fans, watch your back

Uh-oh, did you see what Utah soccer fans did to that senator?

They vandalized his home, although by vandal standards it was a poor effort. Vandals wouldn't even let these guys join their vandal club. They'd take away their stocking caps.

Soccer fans found state Sen. Curt Bramble's house and left angry messages and graffiti on his driveway and sidewalk. I guess they didn't have his phone number.

If you read between the lines, it becomes pretty clear that they think Bramble hates soccer fans. We know this because one of the messages said, "Bramble hates fans." Another one said, "You have declared war." They also left a letter on his front porch, as well as a giant soccer ball. (That was a nice touch, don't you think?)

They did this because Bramble, R-Provo, has proposed legislation that would prohibit using tax money to pay for sports stadiums -- specifically, for the new pro soccer team, Real Salt Lake. As it turns out, Bramble's bill passed on Monday of last week, so apparently the graffiti, which didn't appear until five days later, didn't do the trick. What a surprise.

The vandalism was upsetting for Bramble and his family. And wrong. "I like soccer," Bramble told a radio station. "I've got kids who play it. I just don't want to use education funds to pay for a stadium."

Great, we just barely got a team and already we've got soccer hooligans. Bramble should know to step lightly around soccer people. You can mess with Saddam Hussein. You can mess with the Russians and tell them their democracy stinks. You can even mess with Davis County commuters and gay rights activists. If you're really bold, you can take on Rocky.

But don't you dare mess with soccer fans.

(Not that I'm afraid of them. By the way, I live in Panguitch! And I just entered a witness protection program. My driveway is patrolled by German shepherds the size of bears, not to mention a couple of Marines with Uzis. Besides, I have a sign in my yard -- I HEART SOCCER. I have life-size posters of Mia Hamm and what's-her- name who took off her shirt on the field. I know who Pele and Maradona are (but I don't know much about the guy who goes with Posh Spice). I even watched a soccer game once on TV. (OK, for three minutes, while I was channel surfing. I used to drive the car pool to soccer practice and carry the bowl of orange slices to the players at halftime. Some of my friends and neighbors play soccer year-round, winter, spring, summer, fall, and I forgive them for it.)

Apparently, some local soccer fans not only think they deserve a soccer stadium, but they think we should pay for it. (Me, too!! But not really.)

I suppose the vandalism makes us a legitimate soccer town. Look, we already have hooligans!

(Note to soccer fans: Just kidding, heh, heh. Did I mention my German shepherds?)

The BBC Web site reports this: "Soccer hooliganism has often been called 'the British disease' but this kind of antisocial behavior characterized by the term occurs almost everywhere the sport is played."

That can't be good news.

(Ding, ding, ding -- I think the first angry e-mails are already arriving, but my driveway and sidewalk are still clear.)

English soccer clubs have been banned from countries at times because of hooligans. New theme: Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses but not your soccer fans.

(Pardon me, I'll be right back; I've got to see what the dogs are barking at.)

Doug Robinson's column runs on Tuesdays. E-mail drob@desnews.com.

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