Energetic, sociable toddler worries parents

Question: We are the parents of a healthy, active, independent 27- month-old. She is very social, even with strangers. She's not afraid of anyone or anything.

We love her vibrant personality and don't want to change it, but it also scares us to death. It has been easy to keep a watchful eye on her so far, but our situation will soon change: We are expecting another child soon. We're afraid that if we are distracted even for a moment, our daughter might be lured away.

How do we keep her safe without literally tying her to us? How do we teach her to be cautious without making her afraid? --J.D., Pleasant Hill, Calif.

Answer: You certainly can start trying to teach your daughter to slow down and respond to your instructions. It's not too soon to begin this long, important job. But it's too early to expect results.

At age 2 or 3, children still need adults to closely supervise, watch and protect them. That is one of a parent's most important responsibilities during the early years. The children's task is to learn to trust their world and to feel protected. They're not yet ready for parents to rely on them to assess new and changing situations for danger, to figure out what they need to do or to hold back on their impulses to rush into action.

Don't try to change your daughter's personality. She sounds great. However, you may have to institute protective practices that you don't like to be sure she's safe. For example, you may not be comfortable with those leashes that some parents use when they go out walking with an actively exploring toddler -- but you shouldn't hesitate to get one and use it if necessary. It's better than having your daughter run away from you when you're distracted by the baby.

It's interesting that your question comes during your pregnancy, when you must be feeling that you are about to abandon your daughter for the new baby. Perhaps you are also wondering how you can protect your child from the feelings she's bound to have about sharing you with her new sibling. You can't do this, so don't try.

There will be times when you will be "lured away" from your daughter by the new baby. And that's OK. When parents give a first child the gift of a relationship with a second, they are also offering that child the important challenge of learning to handle such feelings.

Question: A recent column included a question from a grandmother about talking to a 2 1/2-year-old by phone. That's always difficult!

I have two granddaughters: a 5-year-old and a 3-year-old. There are times, when they are staying with us, that they don't want to talk on the phone to their own parents. And we have had each of them not want to talk to us on quite a few occasions.

Little children either love to talk on the phone or do not want to talk. Sometimes they just don't want to stop what they are doing to talk on the phone. So I never get my feelings hurt when my grandchildren don't want to talk to me.

My son is a pilot and was away from his 3-year-old girl for a couple of weeks. He wanted to just talk for a short time to his little girl, but all she would say was "NOOOOOOO!"

I'm convinced that children just have moods of wanting to talk or not on the phone. -- No Name, Houston

Answer: How wonderfully understanding of how a small child reacts to the telephone! Hearing a disembodied voice can be confusing, especially if it's the voice of someone important and familiar, such as a grandparent.

When they are prepared by a parent, young children may do better at talking on the phone, but parents certainly can't count on this. It's wonderful that you are able to not take such ups and downs personally.

Sometimes a child will refuse to speak to a mother or father by phone because she's angry that the parent isn't there with her. This is a perfectly natural response.

There are other ways to stay in touch with children or grandchildren who are far away. Some children may find that being able to see as well as hear a parent or grandparent is more rewarding. Web cams can help with this, though this technology will still be hard for them to understand.

Another idea is to send your children or grandchildren a videotape of you reading a bedtime story -- along with your loving wishes for the child. E-mail is another option. And whatever happened to plain, old-fashioned letter writing?

Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua Sparrow, care of The New York Times Syndication Sales Corp., 122 E. 42nd St., New York, NY 10168. Questions may also be sent by e-mail to: nytsyn- families@nytimes.com. Questions of general interest will be answered in this column. Drs. Brazelton and Sparrow regret that unpublished letters cannot be answered individually. Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child's health or well-being, consult your child's health-care provider.

? Distributed by New York Times Syndicate

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