Ease child's separation anxiety

Many young children hate the idea of separating from their parents to go to school or child care.

When a child looks up at you, her thumb in her mouth, her eyes sad, her shoulders down, it is very difficult to leave her. Her cry at these moments has an emptiness and a kind of soft, wailing quality.

After the first day, she already knows, beforehand, how upset she'll be when you go. She senses how upset you'll be, too.

At times like these, a parent can lose his or her determination. Not only the child's crying, but her resourcefulness in delaying the separation -- thwarting her parents' efforts to dress her or to feed her -- can wear a parent down. One mother told us that her child would undress herself on the way to preschool. She'd arrive naked in order to delay the separation.

Some children are likely to protest in the form of a temper tantrum. The tantrum can go on and on, as long as the parent is in sight.

The parent is torn: "How can I leave her in this terrible state? I hate to leave her anyway, and she's in no condition to manage." Some teachers may urge a parent to "just leave," saying that the child will calm down once the parent is gone. They are right. The parent is the target of the tantrum.

Fortunately, there are ways to help make separations go more smoothly. Here are some tips:

Always plan to stay with the child for the first days at a new school or day-care center.

Be sure to prepare her for the separation ahead of time -- no matter how difficult it is to face her protest. Promise her a time when you'll return, one you can be sure to stick to. Tell her: "You'll be at your school while I'm at work. I'll be back at the end of the day, and we'll have supper and read together. I'll miss you, and I know you'll miss me."

Let the child bring her favorite stuffed animal or blanket with her, so she can cling to it when you leave.

When the wailing and resistance begin, hug her to help her into the car or bus, or at the door of the child-care center. Be sure to encourage her to use her thumb and her blanket or stuffed animal to comfort herself: "You can squeeze your 'lovey' hard and make her feel better."

Connect her with her caregiver when you first arrive. Let the adult, someone your child knows and trusts, know about your child's sadness. Reassure her that you know the teacher will take good care of her. She counts on you to make judgments like this, and she'll be sensitive to any doubts you harbor.

You can also use her favorite teacher or caregiver to help her get comfortable and to engage her in an interesting task before you go.

Stay a few minutes to help your child with the transition, but be definite about leaving when you must.

To deal with your own feelings about separation, hide outside the classroom to see how long she stays upset. You may be surprised at how quickly she adjusts.

When you do return, remind your child of the promise you've kept: "Daddy always comes back." Remind her of the cuddles and the story- reading to come, the time together that you promised. You can even encourage her to use what she's learning for the next separation: "When I have to leave you tomorrow, you can remember how I always come back."

Admire her for being able to let you go. Tell her you know that she worried about you, but everyone at school loves her too and you'd never leave her longer than you had promised.

At the end of the day, any child is likely to fall apart just as the parent arrives. A temper tantrum may occur then. Someone in the child-care center or school may say: "She's been great all day with us." But rarely will anyone say, "Your child has missed you all day and tried so hard to be a big girl until you came back! Now she knows she's safe enough to let everyone know how hard it has been to spend all day without you."

No matter how loud the protest, don't try to make her quiet down. Just hug her tightly and say "I missed you all day too. Now we can be together."

If your child ignores you or refuses to leave with you, this is all part of her protest. Don't take it to mean she hasn't missed you.

When you are together, try playing games that help a child to remember that you are still somewhere even when you are not visible to her. Peek-a-boo, hide-and-seek, or hiding and finding an object are games that help a young child practice holding on to her image of you even when you are not there.

Questions or comments should be addressed to Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Joshua Sparrow, care of The New York Times Syndication Sales Corp., 122 E. 42nd St., New York, NY 10168. Questions may also be sent by e- mail to: nytsyn- families@nytimes.com. Questions of general interest will be answered in this column. Drs. Brazelton and Sparrow regret that unpublished letters cannot be answered individually. Responses to questions are not intended to constitute or to take the place of medical or psychiatric evaluation, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a question about your child's health or well-being, consult your &#gt;child's health-care provider.

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