Stocking stuffers for shooters: Christmas tips from GUNS' underground gift guru John Connor

I figured out this CUTAP--Christmas Ugly-Tie Avoidance Program--a long time ago, so listen up, an' try this two-step plan: First, 'Gift unto others--like, your shootin' buddies--as you want them to gift unto you." Write, "This is a hint, Doofus!" on the gift tag. Second, shamelessly tape or staple this article to your family's clothing or foreheads after circling your favorites. It works for me. Or, you can keep opening those packages and finding scarves that look like they were slashed outta your great-aunt Winifred's sofa. Your choice, folks. I've already got a good scarf, and enough ugly ties to check my truck's oil a thousand times.

You GUNS guys don't know me, so let's get straight on this: I don't sell snake oil or shill for the carnival freaks. If I write something up, unless I say different, it's either got a gold star on Connor's Good2Go list, or it's a semi-thrashed serious contender. So, with the help of our little Christmas Elf Candy, let's have at it.

CANDLE POWER

I just got Streamlight's new M6X Tactical Laser Illuminator in for testing, and I haven't mooshed & muggled it yet--but man, it looks good! They took the durable M6, made it 30 percent brighter, waterproofed it to 66 feet, and added a Shock Suppression System for protection against tragedies like me using it. Your choice of laser only, light only, or laser-and-light, and optional filters adapt for use with night vision gear. The Slide-Lock interface clicks and grabs onto any rail in one second, and interchangeable back plates allow you to move it from pistol to long gun with ease. At four ounces with two batteries on board, it swings and points quick and smooth. They even got the switch right for me (aka Hannibal HamFist) so it might be okay for you, too. Streamlight, (610) 631-0600, www.streamlight.com.

A PocketFulla Dazzle: SureFire's new E2D Defender has the usual SureFire quality plus a deeply scalloped ring on each end. Yeah, it's a weapon; use it like a Kubotan. Blind an attacker, then engage in a little "pain compliance" or vice versa, whichever. Streamlight's Strion might be the smallest, most compact rechargeable flashlight yet, just 5.3 inches, long and .29 pounds. It comes with both AC and DC chargers, and unlike you, it won't overcharge during Christmas shopping. Surefire, (800) 828-8809, www.surefire.com.

SHARP STUFF

Did it again, didn't ya? Started off hunting season without the right tools. You used a hatchet where you needed a bone saw; a tactical folder for a boning blade. Stop mangling that moose and destroyin' the deer. Get a grown-up game dressing setup. The best boondocks butcher-shop around is the Safari Kit and accessories from Katz Knives. Keith Derkatz hunts and dresses out everything that's big, tasty and wears antlers. His experience pays off for you. Katz Knives, (480) 786-9334, www.katzknives.com. Add Spyderco's stores-in-itself Tri-Angle sharpening system and you're set. Spyderco, (800) 525-7770, www.spyderco.com.

CUBE TARGET THINGIE

I know, I know, it doesn't look like much of a gift, but this is great. The Ballistic Cube is a violently reactive target that jumps, bucks and boogaloos with each hit, then lands showing you a four-inch surface every time. Jeff Kruse, the wiggy-brilliant, chemist-engineer, makes lots of reactive and bullet-eatin' targets, and the Cube is the latest. My rifle-rated Cube has taken 12,675 rounds of 5.56mm, 8,050 of 7.62mm, 578 rounds of .50 BMG, and she still dances every time the music plays. One self-sealing self-healing polymer formula for rifles, one for handguns, at www.JustShootMeProducts.com.

GUN GUY BOOKS

Books to curl up with: The Operator's Tactical Pistol Shooting Manual, by Erik Lawrence, ex-SF trooper and dead-serious trainer, from Blackheart LLC; (814) 683-1048, www.1stoptacticalgear.com, Jeff Cooper's classics The Art of the Rifle and To Ride, Shoot Straight and Speak the Truth, Paladin Press, (303) 443-7250, www.paladin-press.com, the hilarious and informative Complete Glock Reference Guide includes their own bizarre torture tests, Ptooma Productions (www.ptooma.com) and finally, Brownell's catalog is the ultimate bathroom book. Brownells, (641) 623-4000, www.brownells.com

GUN SKINS

The Fobus Roto-Holster System's Universal Mount (215 355-2621, www.fobusholster.com) puts a pistol anywhere you want it in the home, car, or RV, with both horizontal and vertical bases included. If you've got a gun that's saved your life--or you hope it might--Jerry Evans, master crafter at Haugen Handgun Leather ((701) 255-0723, www.haugenhandgunleather.com) can sheath it in somethin' exotic for less than you think. Brian Hoffner (888 597-2643, www.hoffners.com) cruelly kills defenseless Kydex to make his excellent Minimalist mag pouches

EYES AND EARS

Eyeballs an' eardrums are important shooting accessories, so protect and enhance 'em with these: Zeiss Optics' "Scopz" shooting glasses are light, tough, distortion-free, and come in a rainbow of shooter-shades including an everyday-wear polarized neutral gray. Yeah, they look cool, too. Carl Zeiss Optical (800 441-3005, www.zeiss.com).

Walker's Game Ear, (610 565-8952, www.walkersgameear.com) makes the electronic Quad Power Muffs, the best shot-suppressing, sound-amplifying range muffs I've ever used, period. For hunters--but think about the military and police applications--HarrisQuest (800 530-0090, www.questessential.com) makes teensy in-the-ear SportEARs, hearing aid-like devices that amplify twig-snappin', buck-snufflin', and crook-tippie-toein' three to five times, and suppress all loud bangs over 95 decibels--excellent!

BOLT ON STUFF

Keep your guns safe, secure, and standing-by in style with Life Jacket's (888 800-0087, www.mogulsecurity.com) complete series of portable and mountable clamshell-type gun locks. When someone tells you to get a grip, just head for www.getgrip.com and check out Hogue's line of rocket-science-rubber recoil-reducing gun goodies. From handgun grips to buttpads and even complete rifle and shotgun stocks, they've got something tough, weatherproof, and resilient to take the sting outta Zing! I don't do "recreational pain" anymore, so Hogue's and me are pals. Darrel Ralph's new MAXX Grips (740 965-9970, www.darrelralph.com) have just about earned a permanent home on my primary 1911. Precision-cut from G-10, they'll never warp or crack and they absorb liquids--including blood, which you can bleach out without damage--and the multi-directional grooves skid-stop your hand while allowing fabric to slide on by. www.darrelralph.com.

TOOLS AND SUCH

Team up Brownell's "Designated Driver" with SOG's PowerLock (888 764-2378, www.sogknives.com) and you've got a field toolbox. The Driver holds four precision bits in the handle plus one up the spout, and even comes with a choke wrench. Pick other interchangeable bits from a Brownell's Magna-Tip Super-Set to 'zactly match the screws in your gun-of-the-day. SOG's PowerLock mostly does the same things other whiz-bang schizo-tools do--it just does 'em better, and with compound-leverage power. Try this: take any other similar tool, and try to cut a quarter. Now do it with a SOG PowerLock. Now pick up the bits of your two bits. 'Nuff said. www.sogknives.com.

BOOTZ

And finally, for the Freezin' Season: I'm a hardcore ground-pounder, and learned to take better care of my feet than my face. You can't walk on your lips, pal. I've tried. Waterproof, 40-below Patriot boots from Kamik, (603 444-2668, www.kamik.com) give good support, great traction, and have scientific no-stinkum-stuff built in. Next to your skin, Under Armour Cold Gear (888 427-6687, www.underarmour.com) is amazingly toasty. I've worn issue-stuff that's four times the weight and one-fourth the warmth. Frigid fingers? Try neoprene Duty Gloves from Michael's of Oregon (503 255-8690, www.uncle-mikes.com). Neoprene is sandwiched between smooth nylon topside and supple, grippy leather on the underside; warmth and trigger-control from www.butler-creek.com.

Merry Christmas, all you stocking-stuffin' shooters! And since my son and I wear the same sizes, bringing on "mysterious disappearances" of MY gear, you know what to get me, too!

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